


Yet Another Okami Parody

by daggar



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, 大神 | Okami (Video Games)
Genre: Ammy just wants to kick ass and be left alone goddammit, Ensemble Cast, Humor, Issun is Link, Issun is just...Issun, Parody, Sakuya just wants everyone to behave and stop spoiling things, Waka just wants to have a little fun, but especially our main trio, everyone is kind of a dick, kind of a crack fic?, lots of sake-drinking, lots of swearing, with a surprising amount of quasi-plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 75,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22054189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daggar/pseuds/daggar
Summary: Title says all. An Okami parody that's filled to brim of your sake cup with smarmy prophets, annoying tree sprites, windwakering, smiting, parties, and one heckofa rollickin' good time with your favorite white wolf/sun goddess.
Kudos: 10





	1. Which is Full of OOCs and Useless New Items

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, it's been almost 10 years since I first posted this fic on FFN! That's crazy! 
> 
> I recently revisited this fic and still enjoy it, so thought I would share to AO3 as well since it's one of the few longer pieces that I've actually completed. I'll be making some edits as I go along just because it's been a while, but hopefully nothing too drastic. Over the course of the next year I'll be posting some of my other completed Okami fics to this account as a commemoration of getting back into fanfic writing, and also to hopefully motivate myself to write some new fics too.
> 
> Happy 2020, and I hope you enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy wakes up. Issun becomes Link. Sakuya has regrets.

Once upon a time, there were white wolves.

They used to live in a place called Nippon, but unfortunately neither the white wolves nor Nippon exist anymore, mainly because the white wolves have always refused to believe that Nippon is actually the Japanese word for Japan, and so they changed the name against the will of the people and were, as a consequence, killed off. Unfortunately, the tree sprite Sakuya was not informed of these facts and stubbornly insisted that both were still real.

Which made life a pain in the ass for Amaterasu.

Amaterasu had very much liked being a statue, oh yes. Statues didn't have to run around saving the world, or listen to boring lectures, or almost get killed due to ungrateful little nonbelievers. And besides, no one cared if she never took a bath. BECAUSE SHE WAS A STATUE.

So when Sakuya turned Amaterasu into a real wolf, she was understandably upset.

"You must save Nippon!" said Sakuya.

"It's called JAPAN, DAMMIT," said Amaterasu, because she was a white wolf. "Now where're my no good brothers, Susano and Tsukuyomi?"

"I put them in a peach," said Sakuya. "Along with the rest of the village."

"You put them _where_?" said Amaterasu, staring at Sakuya's chest, which was shaped like a peach.

"But before you go, I have something for you." She reached into her peaches and pulled out a tight green uniform.

"Hey wait, that's mine!" cried a strange boy wearing nothing but underwear and a silly green hat.

"Pity," thought Amaterasu. "I thought I'd look good in it." Besides being a wolf, she was also highly into cross-dressing and drag shows. Maybe that's why she liked Waka so much.

The little boy frowned. He was supposed to have black hair, but it was actually yellow. His name was supposed to be Issun, but a while ago Issun decided that he was fed up with hot babes calling him a bug and underwent some intense surgery to make him a real boy. Unfortunately he was still really short and had somewhat of a cartoon character look that did not quite fit with the calligraphy brush-style of the rest of the game. Along the way to becoming a real boy, his identity had been switched and he had become Link from Windwaker.

"Ha, I have a wand," said Issun, who will from now on be referred to as Link. "Now that half-baked flute-playing bastard has nothin' on me, and I'll steal Ammy with my newfound hotness and badass CONDUCTING SKILLZ, BABY." And then he danced a little jig and waved his wand.

"Yeah, 'cept you're still a shortie," Ammy said. "And you don't wear stilettos." Which she thought was hot in a man.

"NETHER OF YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THESE THINGS!" cried Sakuya, who was a stickler to rules. "I'M SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, AND YOU GO OFF AND SAVE NIPPON—"

"It's freakin' called freakin' JAPAN," Ammy interrupted.

"Well I'm from the future, plus I just came back from kickin' some evil old man's ass in Windwaker, so…am I excluded?" asked Link, who had retrieved his clothes and was no longer dancing, thank the gods.

"I'm just here to drag my brothers back to the Celestial Plain," said Ammy. "Can't you just…pull them out of your peaches, or something?"

Sakuya pouted. "I cannot. I'm a stickler to the rules, and I don't care if everyone calls me a busy body because that's how I am, and I believe you have to work for your peaches. So no. But go inside my tree because it's sacred and powerful, and maybe you'll find the secret in there."

She disappeared in a bunch of sparkles like tree sprites tend to do (it's among their top ten favorite things, which probably explains a lot) and chuckled. Amaterasu wouldn't have such an easy time in there. She'd have to go through numerous trials and tribulations and—

"Hey, Sprite Babe! We found two brush gods already!" cried Link.

"Where're my brothers?" cried Amaterasu, and power slashed Sakuya's tree. Much to her chagrin it simply materialized again. Damn. That's what you get for naming your country Nippon. The trees are simply held in much greater esteem and never disappear for good. "Oh well," Ammy thought. "At least I've got endless paper."

Next to her three ink pots, a rainbow colored stack of paper appeared, indicating infinite paper. OH YES.

"How useless," Link scoffed.

"Says the shortie with the wand," replied Ammy. Link was about to make some sort of comeback when he realized she was right, and he went off to pout over by Sakuya.

"Well, that was quicker than expected," Sakuya said. "But a promise is a promise. Cut down this fruit, and the village will be restored."

Ammy was relieved to see that the village wasn't hidden in Sakuya's peach-shaped bust. She used power slash on the tree and Sakuya screamed, "NOT THE TREE, YOU—YOU—" She stuttered, not able to swear at the sun goddess. "AH FORGET IT, JUST CUT DOWN THE FRUIT!"

Another stack of rainbow colored paper appeared. Now Ammy had infinite paper TIMES TWO. Hell yes.

She could have had fun cutting down Sakuya's tree all day, but she decided against it because Sakuya was uptight and no fun, and besides, the sky was all dark and she couldn't tell what time it was. So she cut down the sparkling yellow peach (which is another one of a tree sprite's top ten favorite things), and the village sprung back to life. Well, sort of. They were all statues, which Ammy thought was unfair and cruel. Why should they get to be statues and not her? That's why Nippon is a horrible place, she thought darkly. No respect for white wolves.

She made the sun shine because that's what sun goddess do, unless they're really angry like she was that one time her brother Susano destroyed her rice fields and she TOLD him not to, so she hid herself in a cave, but that was a long time ago and besides, she didn't want anyone else being a statue but her. Gods are very jealous sometimes.

"Oh I forgot to tell everyone, but I'm a wandering minstrel," said Link suddenly.

"Yeah, I kind of noticed," said Ammy.

"Do you want me to dance for you again?"

"Please don't."

"Alright, so do you remember your mission, Amaterasu?" asked Sakuya.

"Find my brothers and bring them home!"

"Erm…What about Nippon?"

Ammy scoffed. "I refuse to save a country with such a ridiculous name."

"But it's _your_ country, Amaterasu!" Sakuya pleaded.

"My country is freakin' JAPAN, not NIPPON," said Ammy. "Let's go, Link."

So, with their newfound powers, they frolicked down the path to the village to find Ammy's brothers. Ammy became distracted by a woman with turnips in her field. For some reason, even though she was a wolf, she found turnips to be strangely attracting. So she dug some up and ate them.

"GAH!" she said, because suddenly the woman ran up to her and whacked her, hard. "DIE, MORTAL!" She tried to smite the turnip woman, but unfortunately smiting is the 12th brush power, and we haven't gotten there yet. The woman couldn't understand her either, but the little dog chasing the dragonfly did.

"Hello," he said, wagging his tail. "I'm actually a Satome warrior in disguise, so to make things more time-efficient I'll just give you this now." A large glowing orb came out of the ball attached to his bandana and hovered over Ammy's nose. Link conducted a dramatic jingle in the background that belonged to Zelda games and not Okami, and a scroll on the bottom of the screen read, _You got Farore's pearl!_

"SHAWEET!" cried Link, jumping up and down in his signature jig. "We didn't even have to do a boss battle for that one!"

"Cool, I guess," said Ammy, who wasn't sure what it all meant but decided to keep the pearl anyway. Then she fed the dog some meat because he looked lonely. He gave her a ginormous lumpy turnip for her courage in battling the turnip woman.

"Yum…" she said, licking her lips. "I don't know why I even like these things."

For some reason, she felt that eating vegetables threatened her wolf-hood, so she hunted down a fat white rabbit and ate that too. Satisfied, she said to Link, "Okay, let's find my brothers now."


	2. In Which the Mission is Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy reunites with her siblings. Susano wakes up. Tsuki tells a joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter heavily references Japanese mythology rather than the actual relationships of characters in the game, most notably the fact that canonically in-game Amaterasu, Susano, and Tsukuyomi are not siblings and also Tsukuyomi isn't even a character but rather a non-sentient sword. I've kind of mashed game canon and mythology together throughout this fic, so hopefully that helps explain some things.
> 
> Another quick note: A mysterious "Clover" character is referenced throughout the fic as well, which makes more sense with the knowledge that Clover Studio was the developer of Okami.

According to Sakuya, there was a very precise series of steps that they had to go through. First, talk to the merchant dude who was trying to push a rock some idiot had placed in the middle of the path, fight some lame-sauce demon, talk to the sake-brewer Kushi, fix her water wheel, get the sake, and then splash it in Susano's snoring face. Or something like that.

"Screw that," Link said, and Ammy agreed. She felt uncomfortable around Kushi, since she was much too touchy-feely for her tastes. She hadn't been pet in like a century or whatever, and even then she had never really been one for hugs. That was just another one of the perks of being a statue - no one wanted to hug one. So they decided to skip the whole process and just raid Kushi's wine cellar. Or sake cellar. Whatever you wanted to call it. Ammy did fix the water wheel though, because her second biggest pet peeve was when things weren't perfectly symmetrical. Her first biggest pet peeve was not being able to tell what time it was due to the lack of a sun, but fortunately she already took care of that.

"Hey, jerk-face," she said, splashing the sake in her brother's face. "Wake up."

"ZZZZ…gnuh? Whazzat?" Susano grunted.

 _Hey, watch it,_ said Tsukuyomi. _It's not like I can wash sake off myself, you know._

"Baths are for noobs," said Amaterasu. "And besides, you're a sword."

 _I didn't_ want _to be a sword,_ Tsukuyomi grumbled.

"Yeah, well _I_ didn't want to be an elf in a green costume, but I am!" said Link. "And what happened to my cape? I used to have one when I was a bug…"

 _…Nice to see you've found good company,_ Tsukuyomi said dryly.

Ammy grinned wolfishly. "He dances and waves a wand, too."

"I know. I'm so talented," Link said, and danced his little jig. Luckily for her brothers, Susano was still asleep and Tsukuyomi was a sword, because otherwise their eyes would have burned out of their sockets.

"Tsuki, punch Susano in the face, would you?" Ammy asked.

 _Remember the sword factor, dearest little sister?_ Tsukuyomi snapped. _And don't call me Tsuki!_

"OH! I'll do it!" Link cried, and punched him in the face.

"GRAGH!" said Susano. "WHO DISTURB MY SLUMBER."

 _I forgot to mention, our younger brother lost his memory when he rudely pulled me out of the Moon Shrine and awakened Orochi,_ Tsukuyomi said dispassionately. _He got what he deserved, stupid bastard._

"OMIGOD!" shouted Susano. "WHO'S THIS KID? DON'T TELL ME I—"

"Brother!" interrupted Ammy. "You're an idiot."

Susano blinked. "Hey, I know I said we were brothers in arms, Fido, but that was figuratively speaking…I mean, you're a dog and I'm a freaking Fozzy Bear."

Ammy rolled her eyes. "A little help, Tsuki?"

 _Personally, I don't care if Orochi destroys you all and the Day of Darkness comes,_ Tsuki said. He was obviously in one of his moods. _Better for me. I'm the moon god, after all._

"You're a sword," Ammy reminded, and cursed. "Damn. Looks like I'll have to defeat Orochi after all…Wait, didn't I already kill him?"

_You obviously didn't do it very well. Plus, because of that little incident, I got turned into a sword. Look at me! I'm not even blue and awesome! I'm a FREAKING WOODEN SWORD, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!_

"Sucks for you," Ammy said. "Not my fault Clover's twisting all these legends around. That's what you get for living in Nippon. In JAPAN, the REAL country, we're all supposed to be siblings, living peacefully in heaven…"

_'Cept you kicked Susano into the underworld._

"Oh shitz," Link snickered.

"…He deserved that."

_Just proving a point, dearest sister. Pun intended._

Ammy was silent. Then she power slashed the two of them, but being wood Tsukuyomi simply materialized back again, just like Sakuya's tree. Except he didn't give her another ream of infinite paper, which made her angry. "I can do this without either of you idiots!" she called. "Just wait until I get the 12th brush power…I'll smite you both, and that turnip lady while I'm at it!"

"Okay, mission changed, Link!" she said, slashing the giant boulder and running out at full speed almost knocking over the fat merchant as he tried to give his thanks. His Praise tried to follow her, but gave up and hung about in the air sadly. "We're going to breeze through this game as fast as possible until we get the lighting power, a'ight?"

"Sounds good to me," Link said. "Do I get to pwn the prophet, while we're at it? I've been practicing my conducting skillz."

"NO."

"…Damn."


	3. Which Still Has Yet to See a Boss Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A man is named. A party is crashed. A bet is made.

"Curse that eight-headed snake!" Ammy mourned when she saw the condition of her favorite field in Japan. "Well actually it's more Yami's fault, isn't it? I mean, he gave birth to Orochi, or whatever."

"Yep," said Link.

"I TOLD YOU GUYS, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT YET!" cried Sakuya, who had been stalking them invisibly and materialized in front of them in a shower of sparkles. "Amaterasu, you must revive my guardian saplings. See, there's one over there."

"Hmph," said Ammy. "And why would I want to do that?"

"To save Nippon, of course!"

Ammy blinked. "I repeat, why would I want to do that?"

Sakuya gritted her teeth. "Because if you don't revive my saplings and save Nippon, you'll never get that 12th brush power!"

"Then what are we waiting for!" Ammy cried. "Let's go revive Sakuya, Link!"

"Only if she turns into a hot babe," Link said. "And gets a personality change."

"I can take care of the hot babe condition," Sakuya said, "but I _like_ my personality, thank-you-very-much."

She then disappeared in a shower of sparkles and flowers while Ammy and Link raced off toward a yawning cave that was the only place not touched by the curse.

"Hey dudes," said a Nameless Man. "Wat up."

"Sup, Nameless Man," said Link. "Just off to save the world once again. Furball here already saved it a hundred years ago, and I'm from the future."

Nameless Man looked hurt. "I'm not nameless," he said. "It's just that no one's ever bothered to give me a name before."

"Ouch," Ammy winced. "Well, my friend here not only dances and waves a wand, but he's also well-known for being worse at nicknaming things than me, and I don't even talk."

"You know what?" said Link. "You look like an Awesome Tarou."

Nameless Man, now newly christened Awesome Tarou, smiled widely and gave them some Praise. "Thanks dudes!" he said, and waved them off.

"Well that was certainly an adventure in itself," Link commented.

"You _really_ suck at naming things," said Ammy. She shook her head sadly. "Poor Awesome Tarou…"

Hana Valley was in even worse shape than Shinshu field, but Ammy didn't care that much because she didn't like Hana Valley. They came across some imps having a party, and Ammy and Link looked at each other with an evil, knowing grin.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"If you're thinking hot babes, then yeah."

"LET'S CRASH THIS JOINT!" Ammy cried, and the imps all jumped up and tried to run away, except an unbreakable barrier came around them and so they just cowered in a corner. Ammy pitied the sorry little creatures.

"Hey, I won't hurt you," she said reassuringly. "We just wanted to party."

"Oh, well in that case…" said the red imp. He slung his guitar over his shoulder and started playing some tunes. He played Hey Soul Sister because it's a catchy song and red imps are really big Train fans. Everyone sang along, but Link kept butchering the lyrics so Ammy was forced to knock him out for a bit. After the song was over Ammy complimented the imp, and he started prattling enthusiastically about Train, and how he had been waiting all his life and saving all his money to go to one of their concerts. Personally, Ammy had been to one of Train's concerts, and she didn't have the heart to tell him that Pat Monohan's voice was absolutely horrendous live.

They partied for a long time, but the barrier still didn't come down. After a while, when they were tired of partying, they just sat there, waiting for something to happen.

"Man, I never thought I'd get tired of partying," Link groaned. "So what happens now?"

They waited in silence.

"I think I have to defeat the imps," Ammy said.

"HUH? Wait, but I thought we were cool! We partied together, for goodness sake!" the imps cried, scuttling back to the far end of the barrier. Ammy sighed. "I really didn't want to do this, but…" She power slashed the imps and they burst into flowers. Immediately, the barrier came down. Ammy sniffed. "I'm really sorry, guys…Red Imp, I hope you get reborn as a human and can go to Train's concert someday…even though they suck live…"

"They sure knew how to party," Link added sorrowfully. "Anyways, let's get outta here!"

They continued up the path and met these nasty little trees that threw purple fruits at them. Ammy power slashed it and it hit the tree, making it dazed. "HA! GOTCHA!" she shouted triumphantly. Link did his victory dance.

They came across a cavern with a huge stone mural on the wall that was covered in graffiti. Susano and Tsuki were there too, much to Ammy's surprise.

"Susano? Tsuki? What are you guys doing here?"

"I'm trying to get to my hiding place—er, I mean, training ground, yes, training ground. Wait, why can I understand a dog?" said Susano.

"Cuz you're my brother, you idiot," Ammy snapped.

 _I'm secretly manipulating him,_ Tsuki explained. _We're actually here to sabotage your plans to save the world. I'm betting 100 yen that Susano can do it before you._

"100 yen's only a dollar, idiot," said Ammy.

_WHAT? DAMN! THAT'S NOT ANY SORT OF BET, IS IT? Fine, I'm betting your astral pouch for my mochi. Yumigami makes excellent mochi, you know._

"You can just _take_ the astral pouch," Ammy said, hoping to get rid of it.

_NO! I have to earn it fair and square!_

"Whatever," she grumbled. She drew a sun on the stone mural and the huge rock disappeared.

"Nice!" said Susano. "NAP TIME, BABY!" And then he ran off.

"Yeah…Good luck with that bet, Tsuki," Ammy smirked. They walked into the next room and saw the most adorable baby plant they have ever seen.

"OH. MY. GOD," said Link. "That is the most adorable plant I have ever seen."

It jiggled. It was so cute, they died of cuteness.

At the Game Over screen, Ammy pressed continue and woke up again at the save point.

"Foiled by a plant!" she cried. "I don't think I've ever died in this game before, but we get FREAKIN' KILLED BY A PLANT!"

"Killed by a freakin' adorable plant," Link reminded her. "Never underestimate cuteness."

So they went through everything again until they came back to the room with the plant.

"Okay, we're prepared this time, aren't we?" Ammy asked. "Just don't look at it straight on. It'll melt our hearts with its cuteness." They skirted the dangerously adorable plant and came into a cave where Susano was busy bullying a bear.

"YOU FOUL BEAST!" he shouted. "I WILL SLAY YOU WITH MY EXPLODING-IMPLODING-SUSANO-STYLE-MONKEY-BALL-TECHNIQUE!"

The bear looked at him sleepily. "What the hell," it said. "I didn't even _do_ anything to you." Then it got up and walked away, leaving behind some strange ball thing it had been standing—er, sleeping on.

"GAHAHAHA!" Susano said. "I SHOWED YOU, DIDN'T I? VICTORY IS MINE!"

Ammy and Link ignored him and took the ball back to the room with the dangerously adorable plant, did some mumbo jumbo black magic, and made the plant grow into a full-fledged Sakuya tree. Even though the sun was shining, a constellation showed up, which irritated Ammy slightly because it screwed up the time of day, and she hated that. She made two stars appear out of nowhere.

"Um…" Link said. "You kinda missed." The stars shot off.

"I did that on purpose," she said darkly, and covered the screen with black dots, hoping at least some of them would connect. Besides, it was fun, and it annoyed Link.

"Ooooh, Mother Amaterasu," Sakugami crooned. "I have missed you so much, I am one of the Hanagami trio, we actually form a band, as you can see, or maybe you can't, I can't tell because this huge instrument is in my face, blah blah blah, take my power so you can make things blooooooooom!"

"Well how convenient," Link said. "How'd you know we needed to make all Sakuya's trees bloom?"

Ammy used her newfound power to bloom the once-dangerously-adorable plant, and all of Hana Valley burst into petals and lily pads and bunny rabbits. There was much rejoicing.

Ammy and Link teleported to the beginning of the valley because it was too time consuming to run all the way back. Then they went back out into Shinshu Field and revived the Guardian Sapling there as well.

"Huzzah!" cried everyone. They went exploring and found lots of cool things, like Awesome Tarou's lost ceramic kilns (although how you lose a ceramic kiln was beyond Ammy), Ida the mailman or whatever, a house they couldn't enter until nighttime, an extremely paranoid priest who kept "accidentally" hitting them with his stick, a boat dock that was out of commission for all eternity, and a studio. They went into the studio cuz they were bored waiting around until nightfall.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Link cried. "Wasn't this supposed to be a _martial arts_ studio?"

All the students who had been stretching and holding onto the bar by the mirror glared over at them for a second and went back to their exercises. Soft music played in the background.

"It's a dance studio," one of the students said as she twirled past them. "Duh."

A wizened old man with a fat head walked around giving out kind advice to the students. "Move your arms up just a tad…there, perfect. Now pirouette! No, not like that, it's like this, let me show you." And he did an amazingly perfect pirouette that made Ammy jealous.

"What the hell," Link said again. "And here I thought _I_ was a fruitcake."

Everyone gasped. "Don't say the _f_ word!" said the helpful student who informed them that this was a dance studio. "Sensei gets mad!"

The old man's eyes glowed red. "Did someone say….FRUIT?" He came towards them and his head started to spin. It spun around until his head was now upside-down, and what used to be a floppy mustache became pointed eyebrows. "I DESPISE FRUIT! ONIGIRI IS WHERE IT'S AT, NOOBS! I'LL TEACH YOU TO SAY THAT IN MY PRESENCE!" He whacked them with a wooden sword he pulled out of nowhere and Ammy had to learn to sidestep it. After chasing them for a while, he stopped and appraised them. "Hmph. You've got a beautiful side-step, Wolfie. Even better than some of my students, I must say. For now, I will overlook the fact that you used the _f_ word in my presence. NOW BE GONE WITH YOU!"

"Whew," Ammy said, panting. "Thanks a lot for that, Link."

"Hey, anytime," Link replied irritably. "At least it's nighttime now. Let's check out that other dude's place. We might even get another brush god."

Ammy gave him a look and they burst out laughing. "Haha, yeah right, good one, Link!" Ammy said, wiping tears from her eyes. "I didn't know you were a joker."

"Heh, well, you know," Link said proudly.

Inside the house was Tama the pyrotechnic, according to the screen that flashed at the bottom when Tama the pyrotechnic introduced himself. "For some reason, I no longer have any inspiration to finish my greatest design," Tama sighed. "Maybe if someone drew a bomb in my face and it exploded, I'd get an idea…"

"Was that an open invitation?" Ammy asked, drawing a bomb for him. Usually people didn't ask for things like that but hey, why not, right?

The bomb exploded in Tama's face. Normally people would've been either upset or dead, but Tama was an exceptional case. "Oh! Yes! That's it!" Tama cried, his face blackened with soot and his clothes on fire. He threw a bunch of explosives together in his fire pit, which Ammy didn't think was such a great idea, so they hurried out of the house just as it exploded in a bunch of strangely shaped fireworks that summoned a constellation. "I really hate doing this," Ammy grumbled. "What sort of brush power is making stars, anyway?"

"Hello, Amaterasu, origin of all that is good and mother to us all blah blah blah…by the way, aren't my chillens adorable?" Bakugami said, beaming at the little piglets torching his bomb.

"Um…You're going to explode," said Ammy.

"Oh! Don't worry, happens all the time. Take my power and make them cherry bombs, Amaterasu!" cried Bakugami as he rolled away with his cute chillens scurrying after.

"Cool. Well, I think we've seen everything here, Ammy," Link said. "Let's get back to Sprite Babe so she can give us another brush power that'll aid us on our quest."

Ammy was reluctant to leave her beautiful field, but she realized Link was right if they wanted to breeze through the game to get the 12th brush power. She turned around before entering Kamiki and put a serious expression on her face. "I'll be back," she said in her Terminator voice, then briskly swished away to revive Sakuya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never actually been to a Train concert so I'm sorry for the slander, Pat Monohan.


	4. In Which We Discover a Tree Sprite's Number One Most Favorite Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old man dances. Sakuya becomes hot. Many trees are bloomed.

The first thing they saw was the man with the bucket on his head dancing a jig that was unnervingly similar to Link's.

"Hey," Link said, going up to him and frowning. "You can't steal my jig!" And then a one-sided dancing contest commenced.

"Only 15 more!" Man-With-Bucket-On-Head cried, ignoring Link dancing in his face. A sign above his head showed the number 15 in bright red, which probably meant it was something important. There was a flowering tree in front of the red 15, too, which was also probably something important. Oh well.

Ammy left Link dancing with Man-With-Bucket-On-Head and headed up to Sakuya's tree.

"Hey Sakuya! I'm back!" she called, but to no avail. She even power slashed the tree, but nothing happened. She meant to wake the tree sprite up, but in reality she just liked power slashing trees. "Hell yes," she muttered. "Another ream of infinite paper, baby!"

Personally, Ammy didn't care if Sakuya wasn't alive or not. In fact, it was better if she wasn't. Life would be so much happier for everyone. However, she was hiding a brush god that they desperately needed if they had any hope whatsoever of proceeding in the game, so, with a sigh, Ammy turned and talked to Mr. Orange if he knew anything about Sakuya.

"I am not in the mood to do my Konohana Shuffle until all **15** of the trees in this village are restored," he said.

"Damn," said Ammy. "So _that's_ what the picture of the tree next to the number 15 meant!" So she had to go all the way back down and revive all the trees, then all the way back up to talk to Mr. Orange again.

"Now it's time for my Konohana Shuffle!" he cried. "First, though, I must drink my SAKE, because I am too embarrassed to do the Konohana Shuffle sober!"

"…Whatever," said Ammy.

He wiggled his butt and kicked his legs up in such a way that any high school cheerleader would've been jealous. Then he wiggled around and kicked around some more and pointed at the tree with his stick, where blossoms suddenly sprouted. Ammy helped him finish it off, and at last the painful dancing ended and Sakuya was in full bloom. Link caught up to them, panting.

"What'd I miss—OH SHITZ LOOK AT SAKUYA, SHE'S A BABE!"

Ammy turned to look and she saw that Sakuya looked much happier…and her clothes were skimpier. "Amaterasu, I was going to scold you for power slashing my tree again, but I am feeling very generous now that I have been fully revived, thanks to this man's dance." She blew them all a kiss.

A sudden disturbing thought occurred to Ammy. "Yeah, well, speaking of that, Sakuya, why did you revive from the old man's dance? Don't tell me you…"

Link got the drift and gaped at the tree sprite. "Wait, WHAT? SAKUYA HAS A FETISH FOR OLD MEN?"

Sakuya blushed violently. "T-That's not true! He's just sweet, that's all! He always looks out for me…GAH FORGET IT, STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT! TAKE YOUR BRUSH GOD ALREADY!" She chucked Hasugami at them and disappeared in huff and a shower of sparkles. Hasugami stared at them and played his flute. Since he couldn't talk, Ammy imagined having a conversation with him that went something like this: "Hello, Amaterasu, origin of all that is good and mother to us all…take my power of water lily, blah blah blah." They got the power and headed back to Shinshu Field, still more than slightly disturbed by the fact that tree sprites have a thing for dancing old men.


	5. Which is Full of Epic Fail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link embarrasses himself. Kokari has a horrible, no good, very bad day. The first boss is fought.

Agata forest was in just as bad condition as Shinshu Field had been, except actually worse because they couldn't find the stupid Guardian Sapling.

They ran around what was left of the forest and didn't find anything but a cave with a house inside. There they met a creepy old woman who offered to tell them their fortunes for 500 yen, but Ammy was a cheapskate and refused. Besides, she had a feeling that the fortune wouldn't be helpful anyway and would only tell them something straightforward that anyone would be able to figure out on their own. Frustrated, they went back to the top of the hill.

"Can you see anything, Ammy?" Link asked.

She leaned forward, squinting into the mist, and fell down the cliff, somehow managing to get behind the waterfall where they discovered a hidden path.

"Well, 'They' sure didn't make it easy on us, did 'They'?" Ammy huffed, using the universal and equally ambiguous "They". "They" were the same ones who made Susano take Tsukuyomi out of the Moon Cave and convinced Sakuya to awaken Ammy from her statue state. When she got her smiting power back, "They" were going to pay dearly for that, oh yes.

"Damn," Ammy swore, coming up to a blocked wall with a crack shining through. "What do we do now? We should've gotten that fortune from the creepy bone lady!" She made Link run off to buy the fortune and waited until he came back with a piece of paper that said, _Use a cherry bomb, dumbass_.

"Of course! Why didn't we think of that?" Ammy said, hitting her head with her paw. She then drew a cherry bomb and the wall exploded, exposing one of Sakuya's Guardian Saplings.

"WOTCHA!" Ammy cried as she circled the tree. It bloomed into full magnificence and purified the water, from which sprouted huge ugly mossy trees. And lots of deer.

When they went outside to resume their quest they were rudely interrupted by a cut scene. Normally Ammy would have been upset, but she recognized the flute music and eagerly anticipated the coming of her favorite person.

"Hark…the call from the heavens, the earth, the sea…they summon me forth to defeat evil."

Ammy and Link looked up into the trees, where a familiar pink-clothed figure stood, giving them his signature pose. "Waka, god's gift to man is here! _Bonjour_!"

"Yay!" Ammy squealed, just like a fangirl. That was because, much like the fangirls, Ammy believed Waka was gay, and she found that hot.

Waka facepalmed. " _Ma cherie_ …" he said, sighing. "How many times must I tell you? I. Am. Not. Gay."

"You're not?" Ammy asked, a little disappointed. "But you wear pink. And hot red stilettos. Plus, I thought you and Link would look good together."

Waka sighed again. "How many times must I tell you? THEY'RE NOT STILETTOS, AND I'M SORRY MY LEGS ARE SHORT."

"HA!" said Link, who had also been eagerly awaiting this moment. He whipped out his wand. "Get down here, you half-baked flute-playing bastard! I'm gonna pwn you with my badass CONDUCTING SKILLZ, BABY!"

"This is getting beyond my control," Waka sighed, wishing he could just leave now. But then he realized it could be 100 times more fun if he annoyed Link, and he grinned evilly. He jumped down from the trees and landed on top of the water, because he was at Jesus-level. BABY.

"You're still small and bouncy, I see," he said to Link. " _Tres bien_. I was worried I'd have to call you something else, but I suppose you will forever be my little bouncing friend, _oui_?"

"GAH!" said Link, who was getting angrier by the minute. "Take this in your face! WINDWAKER DANCE!" And he waved his wand WHILE dancing, which was a new trick Ammy hadn't seen him use yet. "HA! Ammy, have you fallen for me yet? Did I beat him?"

The whole scene was such a fail that Ammy almost died of embarrassment for Link's sake.

"…I'm going to ignore that and forever erase it from my mind," Waka mumbled.

"…Agreed," said Ammy.

"Anyways, _Ma Cherie_ , where were we? Ah yes…Ahem. Those crimson shadings…the divine instrument on your back…You look kinda weird but I reckon you pack a punch, baby!" He did his pose again and Ammy squealed. "STOP SQUEALING!" Waka cried, blushing and breaking his pose. "Anyway…" Apparently, his flute was extendable because he pushed it down and then drew a lightsaber out of it.

"OMIGOD AMMY HE'S A JEDI!" Link screamed.

A scroll at the bottom of the screen read: _Jedi-Master Waka_

" _Oui_. This is how I get my point across, pun intended," Waka said, smirking. He must have thought it was clever, but frankly, Ammy was tired of hearing that same pun.

"Yeah yeah, just fight me and get this over with," Ammy said. "I'm starting to get off schedule for that 12th brush power, and I kind of want it as soon as possible."

THEY FIGHT.

"Hmm, not nearly as good as you were 100 years ago, _Ma Cherie_ ," Waka said. "I'm sorry to say, but our battle just now was a big disappointment. You're not what you used to be, Amaterasu. You better pick up the pace if you plan on getting that 12th brush power. And may I offer a suggestion? You should probably defeat Orochi first."

"Yeah, we kinda figured that out," Link muttered.

"Well, then, one last thing," said Waka. He paused for a moment, smirking at Link. "I think my little bouncing friend has been looking forward to this."

"WHAT THE HELL? I HATE YOUR HALF-BAKED PROPHECIES, YOU FRUITCAKE!"

Waka ignored him. "I foresee a log and great thrills! That's all! _Au reviour_ , baby!"

He flew up into the air with the wings of his hat and disappeared.

"Dammit, pretty boy, you win this time," Link said, shaking his fist at the sky.

Link's demonstration was interrupted by a loud cry, and upon investigating a round island in the center of the lake they found a small boy holding a fishing pole and wailing.

"Oh Ume…" he sobbed.

"Hey, what's up kid?" Link asked.

"I'm having a horrible day," he choked.

"I bet it's not as bad as mine," Link challenged.

"Well, first off, I woke up with a dead rabbit on my head. Then my dad comes and tells me I'm a failure at life. Then my dog and I go into the Tsuta ruins and I get scared and accidentally lock him in there. Then, when I try to go back in, I trip and drop the key in the Deep Abyss." He gazed sadly down into the water. "Plus, I tried putting all this up on FML, but my computer got a virus and broke down."

"Ouch," Link said. "Yeah, I think you beat me hands down. Man, you make my life seem like heaven! Sucks to be you, sorry though."

"Is he trying to fish with no line?" Ammy asked Link, apparently not at all interested in the boy's sob story.

"Heheh, what an epic fail," Link chuckled. "I have to put this on Fail Blog."

"YES, I UNDERSTAND I HAVE NO LINE," the boy said. "And don't bother. My dad, Madame Fawn, and the two merchants already did."

"Ouch," said Ammy. She felt bad for him, so she created a line using rejuvenation and helped him catch come fish. It should have been easy, but the stupid Wii remote was acting up and refused to let her power slash the fish correctly. "GRAWGH!" she screamed, at last getting it to work in time for the giant salmon. No way was she reeling that thing in more than once.

By some great coincidence, the salmon spit out the Tsuta Ruins' key. Ammy nabbed it and ran off to the Ruins.

"OH SHITZ Ammy, what if we find treasure?" Link said. His eyes grew insanely huge at the thought, and he started drooling.

"Link, that's not attractive," Ammy said, and together they headed deep into the ruins.

"Woah, how'd we get here?" Link asked, looking around the small, dark room that was known as Tsuta Ruins Deep.

"I think it's because the author of this story hates this dungeon," she said. "And also because writing dungeon scenes are really boring."

So yeah. Don't hate.

They walked up a narrow stairway and the music became increasingly more dramatic and twangy. Ammy saved because she felt that a boss battle was coming up soon. Finally.

They fell and miraculously survived, and Link spotted a huge flower.

"OOOHH!" he said. "Huge flowers like these often hide treasures in them!"

"And you would know this…how?" Ammy asked.

Suddenly the flower snapped shut and in the shadows eight monstrous Orochi-looking heads appeared. "So you are the dog who has been sniffing about!" said a scratchy voice. The flower stirred and a bunch of arms reached out and banged on the ground heavily. "I will not allow you to ruin my master's return!" The beast turned around and Link screamed.

"OMIGOD THAT THING IS FREAKIN' SCARY, AMMY!" he cried. "SHE'S LIKE, ONE OF THOSE DEMON GIRLS FROM THOSE JAPANESE HORROR FILMS!"

"That's because I am the _inspiration_ for all those demons girls, foolish mortal!" the Spider Queen shrilled. "Now I will eat you, for dog will be a delicious new deviation from my menu!"

AND SO, THE BATTLE BEGAN.

It took forever for the Spider Queen to lift her poisonous egg thing over her head, because she was apparently too busy throwing webs at Ammy and running up and stamping her feet and in general wasting time.

"HURRY IT UP ALREADY, WILL YOU?" Ammy finally shouted.

"Fine, fine. Take this then, little dog!" the Spider Queen cackled, holding the egg up high.

"AN OPENING!" cried Ammy, and power slashed the egg. The Spider Queen screamed and fell on her face, exposing the hooks on her butt.

"Well isn't that convenient," Ammy said, and attached vines to them. The flower opened and Ammy used her exorcism slip L.

"That's cheating!" the Spider Queen hissed.

"Not when you've got a Wii remote, it's not," Ammy replied smartly as the Spider Queen shriveled up and died. She left behind a pretty pink flower with a pretty pink dog inside.

"That's probably Ume," Link noted, coming out from his hiding place. "Let's nab 'im. Maybe he knows where the treasure is."

They grabbed Ume and brought him out of the ruins, where they met a breathless Kokari.

"Bad doggie!" Kokari said. "Give me back the key! I have to save Ume—wait, isn't that Ume?"

"No, he's a rabbit. What d'you think he is, kid?" Link said as Ammy let go of the dog.

Ume growled.

"B-But Ume…what's wrong? Why are you mad at me?" Kokari started to sniffle.

"Hey, you better not start crying again, kid!" Link warned. "Besides, I'm sure he's tellin' ya to stop being such a wuss and do some adventuring to become a real man, or something like that."

Kokari straightened. "I'll become a real man and make you proud, Ume," he said. "I'll show dad and Madame Fawn and the merchants that I'm not some loser kid who fishes without a line. C'mon, Ume, let's go fix the bridge!"

"Huzzah!" said everyone, and they went to fix the bridge.

And of course, Susano had to ruin it by bowling down the river on a log, destroying their newly fixed bridge.

"GAAAAAAHHHHH!" he cried.

 _GAAAAAAAHHHHH YOU IDIOT!_ screamed Tsuki. _SAVE US, LITTLE SISTER!_

Ammy sighed. "Why am I the only sane one around here?"

The log ran into Kokari's fishing line and he, Ammy, and Link got dragged along onto Susano's wild joyride. Luckily there were vine flowers along the cliffsides to help pull the log back from the fast-approaching waterfall and their impending doom. Not so luckily, the Wii remote started acting up again and Ammy just barely managed to hook every line so that they didn't fall. By another strange coincidence, the log flung backwards and fell into place exactly where the old bridge used to be, dumping its passengers onto the other side of the river.

"Alright, on to Taka Pass!" Link cried valiantly, even though he didn't do anything, and they headed off leaving Susano and Tsuki in the dust.


	6. In Which an Unnecessary Amount of Feedbags are Used

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waka uses the slang. A ghost tells it like it is. Many dogs are lost and then found.

"NOOOOOO," Ammy lamented. "MY FAVORITE PASS IN JAPAN…"

"Okay, are you gonna be like this EVERY time we find a cursed zone?" said Link irritably. "Cuz I'm pretty sure Taka Pass is like the only pass in Nippon anyway."

"DAMMIT LINK, IT'S CALLED JAPAN," Ammy snapped, in no mood for his smart-assing. "And I didn't like Hana Valley, did I? Or Agata forest. So there."

"Whatever," Link grumbled. He was still angry about his epic fail against Waka. "Let's go through that tunnel. Maybe the tree's in there. You know, I never noticed before, but somehow it seems like there's always at least one way to get to the tree. Nowhere's completely cursed by the cursed zone. Weird, isn't it?"

"It must be 'Their' doing," Ammy said, whispering when she said "Their".

Inside the tunnel was a huge tree that wasn't the Guardian Sapling.

"Damn," said Ammy, but she brightened up considerably when Waka appeared in a flash of sparkles.

"Long time no see, eh, _ma cherie_?" he grinned.

"GAH! WAH—YOU—ERGH!" Link said. No one was sure what he said, but they didn't particularly care.

Waka glanced at him as if he was still a bug and turned back to Ammy. "Anyway, did you enjoy the log ride I prophesized?"

"WHAT THE HELL WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME WE WERE MEETING THE PROPHET SO SOON I WOULDA PRACTICED MY TECHNIQUES AND PWND 'IM FOR SURE! Wait, did he just say he was responsible for that near-disaster of a joy-ride?"

Waka's mouth twitched as he tried to act hurt and not burst out laughing. " _Moi_? Of course not! I simply had a passing glimpse of your future." He paused, considering something as he tapped his flute against his chin. "Although if I _were_ after your lives, I would be much more direct about it, my little bouncing friend. And you would probably be dead by now. I would—how did you say?— _pwn_ you, fo sho."

"ASDLFKHQ!" said Link unintelligibly. Ammy nearly died laughing. Somehow, Waka saying "fo sho" was the one thing she never expected to see in any of her lifetimes.

"Don't laugh, _ma cherie_ ," Waka said, pouting. "I can be hip when I want to be. And fashionable too. It just so happens that I prefer walking around in my pajamas."

 _Yeah yeah, just get back on track you stupid prophet,_ said the voice in his head that gave him his visions and epiphanies. He sighed. Why was it he always got off topic whenever he was around these two?

"Anyway," he continued. "I saw your first boss battle against the Spider Lady. A very clumsy attempt, I must say."

"SO YOU _ARE_ EVIL, YOU STALKER!" Link shouted, his tongue and his mind having reached a compromise of sorts. Or maybe just his tongue. His mind seemed to have walked off somewhere without them knowing.

"Enough idle chit-chat," Waka yawned, drawing his lightsaber and his other sword. "Although certainly, if you'd like to have tea sometime after all this, that's another story."

THEY FIGHT AGAIN, AMATERASU PWNS.

"Whew!" Waka said, wiping his forehead. "Not bad… _ma cherie_."

"Whaddya mean 'not bad'! We pwnd you that time, didn't we, prophet? You're all outta breath!"

Ammy glared at Link. "You didn't do anything, you idiot."

Waka paused and gathered his breath, then said, "Oh yes, I had a question for you. You've seen the barrier by the Moon Cave, haven't you? I want to dispel the barrier, but I need the Serpent Crystal in order to do that. You guys know where I can find it?"

"Of course not," Ammy said. "Usually we luck out and get this kind of information from Sakuya and random strangers."

"I thought so," Waka mused. "Oh well…mumble grumble…BIG WINDMILL…mumble grumble…"

Ammy and Link looked at him with blank expressions. He wasn't sure they got the hint. He sighed. "Maybe I will check out that HUGE WINDMILL at KUSA VILLAGE."

Link looked at him suspiciously. "Why're you so interested in that windmill, you half-baked fruitcake?"

"Maybe because I like windmills, you annoying bouncing bug," Waka replied. "Well, at any rate, I will have to find it myself. But before I bid you _adieu_ …" He grinned widely and Link groaned. "I foresee a dog-gone difficult quest! That's all for now! _Au reviour_ , baby!"

"Heh, we should blow up that windmill just to make him mad," Link said when Waka disapparated.

Ammy rolled her eyes. "I think you should find your brain before you attempt to do anything else," she muttered. They ran up the stairs and through the tunnel and _viola_! They found the Guardian Sapling.

"WOTCHA!" Ammy cried, circling the tree. That had become her new favorite habit, besides power slashing Konohana.

"Yay!" Ammy cried, and jumped down to frolic in her favorite pass. While she was frolicking and exploring, she came upon a rundown house in a small valley.

"Oooh, what is this?" croaked an old woman with a creepy expression on her face. "I was just looking for something tasty to put in my pot! You'll do just nicely, little mutt. COME HERE, DOGGIE, I'LL CUT YOU UP!"

Whatever, Ammy thought. She won't do any—

"OMIGOD!" Ammy shrieked as the creepy old woman ran after her with a knife in her hands. The creepy old woman ran FAST, too! "OMIGOD SOMEONE SAVE ME, PSYCHOTIC LADY ON THE LOOSE!"

She ran and ran, not stopping even after she got out safely. There was a little dog outside the entrance that barked at her as she barreled past, and she shouted, "RUN WHILE YOU CAN, DOG, THAT WOMAN'S GONNA EAT YOU!"

They ran up the hillside and finally stopped to rest in Kusa Village.

"Whew," said Link, who had turned ghostly pale. "That was freaking scary. Do you think she's still following us?"

They looked behind them, jumping at every shadow and rustle in the bushes. They would never sleep the same again.

Kusa Village was very dark, and it wasn't quite a cursed zone but it still sucked out Ammy's powers.

"What? Oh damn," she said when her godly powers disappeared and she turned into a normal-looking, somewhat unclean white wolf.

"Look, I can kinda see the windmill!" Link said, squinting and pointing. "Let's head up that way!"

Apparently, her regaining her powers wasn't high on his list of priorities. They went all the way to the back of the village and stopped when they saw a helpless girl crying on the ground.

"Oh," said the girl. "This is unfortunate. I have been possessed in a momentary lapse in vigilance! I tried so hard to protect this village…alas my strength…it wanes…"

A purple demon appeared from behind, holding a tube to her neck as if sucking out her blood or something. It saw them and apparently decided they were better food and attacked.

"No problem!" Ammy said, getting into her fighting stance. "I still have my dance moves!" And she karate kicked the demon's ass in midair.

"Nice goin' Ammy!" Link cried, cheerleading on the sidelines. The curse disappeared and Ammy gained her powers back. "Huzzah!" she said, and struck a pose.

The girl stood up, surprised. "Hmm? Have I been freed of the curse? You have saved me, but I do not know how."

"What happened, sweetness?" Link asked. Ammy felt like gagging.

"You're such a perv," she muttered. Link stepped on her toes.

"I am Princess Fuse, priestess of the Gale Shrine," she said. "The Gale Shrine is the windmill. It is where Kazegami, the god of wind, is enshrined."

"Damn, so we can't blow it up," Link muttered.

"Um, what?" Princess Fuse asked.

"Nothin' nothin', just keep talkin', pretty lady!"

She blinked, but moved on. "The divine wind that blows form there protects us from demons. However, one day it stopped blowing, allowing demons to sneak into the village. Oh, it is all the fault of the evil monster!"

She paused in a momentary lapse of self-pity. They waited for her to continue, but she didn't seem like was about to any time soon.

"Er, care to elaborate, sweetness?" Link asked.

"Oh, did you want to hear more?" said Princess Fuse. "I thought I bored you."

"Well, to tell the truth, you do, but we kinda need more information than that," Ammy said, but like always, no one listened.

"Well, the divine wind could only have stopped for one reason. It is 'that' monster!"

"And that monster is…?" Link prompted.

Princess Fuse scrunched her eyebrows and put a finger to her temples. "Oh, I can't seem to remember…was it Scarlet Headdress? No, not quite right. Ruby Regalia? No, no…well, it's Crimson something-or-other, I can't remember. But anyway, the point is, the beast and his minions have been vying to gain control of Gale Shrine, and last year they killed the head priest, who was weakened by sickness, and the shrine fell into their hands. But I am no match for the barrier that blocks the entrance. There is only one hope now…only the warriors who have served the Satomi house can right this wrong!"

She stopped talking again, making Link prompt her to finish her tale of woe.

"Our last remaining hope for defeating Crimson what's-his-face is are the Satomi Canine Warriors!"

"Um yeah, you pretty much told us that," said Ammy.

"They are the guardians of the shrine and have protected the Satomi house for ages, but they are scattered throughout Nippon. If we bring them together again, they can break down the barrier and retake the shrine!"

"Shaweet! Call those puppies back home then, pretty babe!" Link said, pulling out his wand. "We'll take it from there!"

"Well, that's the thing," Princess Fuse sighed sadly. "They won't return when I summon them. I'm afraid they might be injured, or killed, or even worse!"

"What's worse than being killed?" Ammy asked, only to be ignored once again.

"Use this. It might be useful in tracking them down."

A random metal thing with a tassel on the bottom came out of nowhere and started circling Ammy. "I don't remember agreeing to this…" she mumbled.

"C'mon Ammy, do it for the pretty lady," Link said. "And besides, we have to get into Gale Shrine before that prophet dude. I bet he knows of some secret treasure or something."

"Why can't she just look for her own dogs?"

"Erm…"

"That's what I thought."

"You'll do it, won't you nice doggie?" Princess Fuse asked, giving them her puppy dog eyes.

"Gah!" said Ammy. "Not the puppy dog eyes!"

"I sense five warriors in Kusa Village," she went on. "They're a temperamental bunch, but when they see the Canine Tracker they should come back. Or they might attack you. Either one."

"Oh, well that's nice," Link said. "Ammy'll take care of it!"

Easy for him to say. One of these days she was going to make him fight on his own and see how well he held up.

They headed off, following the direction the Canine Tracker pointed. Except it pointed in a direct straight line, so they would have had to go through walls. They opted out of that and took the long way around, down a wooden path and up to a flower petal and then inside a cave, where a dog was waiting for them.

"I'm hungry. Feed me," said the dog.

"What, we actually have to waste money on these things?" Ammy said. "Link, do we have any food bags?"

"Erm, no," he said, pulling out his pockets.

"Damn. Come on then, I guess we have to buy some."

So they went to the merchant and bought 100 food bags of each type. Then they went back and fed the dog some meat.

"Now that my stomach is full, I will go back to my master!" the dog said.

"Wow, what a lazy dog," Link noted. "Kinda like their master…though not nearly as cute, heheheh…"

"Hmm," Ammy thought. "You know, this feeding thing is kind of addicting."

They found another dog by reviving the little girl's field of flowers. They weren't quite sure how the dog got in there, but they decided not to question it.

They headed behind the inn and were surprised to see Susano and Tsuki.

Susano was fast asleep like usual, but he seemed to be having a nightmare because he was tossing and turning and mumbling something about "you can't make me" and so on. Tsuki was wide awake and troubled.

"Hey Tsuki, what's going on with Susano?" Ammy asked, concerned for her little brother's welfare.

 _He's been having these horrible nightmares,_ Tsuki replied. _Other than that, I'm not sure what's wrong. But mostly I'm worried about our bet. If this keeps up, it's bye-bye to the astral pouch and Yumigami's mochi for me…_

"I already told you you could just take the astral pouch, you know," Ammy said.

Susano jumped up. "AGH, not that dream again! I thought by coming to this village—"

He turned around and noticed them. "Oh, poochie and little elf. I was just, um, well, you know, even in my sleep I'm devising strategies to defeat that Crismon something-or-other, the name slips my mind. But I am! Don't look at me like that! Well, off to sleep—I mean, devise more strategies!"

"Whatever," said Ammy, and they left him alone to find the other Canine Warriors. One was in another cave (really what was with them and caves?) and the other was in a huge shoot of bamboo over by Mr. Bamboo's house. They decided not to question how he got there either.

Ammy stopped in the path to feed some birds.

"What the hell are you doing, Furbrain?" Link said.

"This feeding thing is really addicting," Ammy replied. "I think I've changed my mission now. My new mission is to feed every single animal in this game!"

Link snorted. "You know you still really want that smiting power though," he said.

Ammy thought about it and decided it was true. But she was still going to feed every single animal in the game. On the way back to Princess Fuse she found some monkeys and tried feeding them herbs. For some reason she always thought monkeys liked herbs, but they didn't. So she fed them some fish instead.

"Are you comin' or not, Furbrain?" Link fumed.

The last Canine Warrior in the village was waiting for them by Princess Fuse's house.

"How convenient," Ammy thought, and she tried feeding him some meat.

"You bear the Canine Tracker," the dog growled, ignoring her attempts to feed him. "I must prove you are worthy of receiving such a gift from my master!"

"Damn," she said. "Looks like he's one of the ones that attack me when they see the Canine Tracker." She sighed. "Oh well. Bring it on, pup."

The dog was surprisingly strong, but in the end he was no match for Ammy's godliness. After the battle she fed him some meat, and all was good.

"There are three more Canines outside the village that have yet to return my summons," Princess Fuse said. "I have marked their locations on your map."

"What the hell, when did she get the map?" Link said.

"We had a map?" said Ammy.

"In any case, please hurry!" Princess Fuse grieved. "We must get the Satomi Power Orbs to break the barrier!"

"Wow, a little pushy, isn't she?" Ammy said as they explored behind the Satomi house and headed to the Gale Shrine. There was a huge red barrier that blocked the entrance. Ammy wanted to touch it.

"WOAH!" cried Link. "Ammy, look at that dude! I can see right through him! Not to mention he's floating!"

"You can see me?" questioned the ghost. "I am Yatsu, an earth-bound spirit. I was the head priest of this shrine, before Crimson what's-his-name killed me. If you don't believe me, I have a windmill on my head to prove it."

He pointed. Ammy was duly impressed.

"My eyes have failed me, but my inner eye can see quite clear. You appear to be a maiden most fair!"

Link snickered. "Heheh, Ammy, is he talking about _you_?"

"OMIGOD!" Yatsu cried. "The fair maiden is accompanied by a little booger!"

Link scowled. "I'm not a freakin' booger, ghost dude! I'm a handsome and talented young man!" And to prove it he did his windwaker dance.

Yatsu shivered. Apparently whatever his inner eye was seeing seemed to be most horrendous, which it was.

"At least you don't live with it every day," Ammy said pointedly, and the ghost sympathized.

Deciding to ignore the little booger, Yatsu continued. "Inside this shrine is not only the god of wind, but also the legendary Serpent Crystal, which is said to be the only thing that can remove the 8-headed snake's curse. But you cannot enter in any case, as we need the Satomi Power Orbs. Plus, I cannot rest in peace knowing I have let a fair maiden such as yourself enter into certain death."

Ammy blushed. "You're such a charmer," she said.

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Let's find those other dogs, Ammy," Link scowled, dragging her out of the village.

Back in Taka Pass, Ammy took a detour to feed all the aminals.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP FEEDING THE FREAKING ANIMALS!" Link cried.

"You're just jealous, little booger," Ammy replied happily.

They saw a man trying to push a rock wall.

"What's with these merchants trying to push ginormous rocks?" Ammy muttered.

Link asked him.

"I'm trying to get to Sasa Sanctuary!" the man replied. "The gate marks the entrance, so I know it has to be past here!"

"Yeah, um, little tip? Walk _through_ the gate next time and maybe you'll find it," Link said as he and Ammy walked through the gate and the wall disappeared. They walked down the path with lots of bamboo shoots and came to a nice looking inn guarded by…sparrows.

Ammy's eyes lit up.

"NO," said Link, who had read her mind. "You are NOT feeding these sparrows."

"Just watch me," Ammy said darkly.

"Hey hey hey!" cried one of the sparrow guards in a Brooklyn accent. "Whatchu doin' here, Scruffy?"

"Yeah, whatchu doin'?" chimed in the other bird with an even thicker Brooklyn accent. "Skippin' in 'ere with that dumb look on your face! Youse gots a lot a nerve for a wolf!"

"You know dis is the turf of the Sparrow Clan, 'ight? We can't jus let you leave now that you're here!"

"Yeah, we'll 'ave ta tan your 'ide and send you packin'! We'll rip off your toenails and wear 'em as beak rings!"

The other sparrow looked at him with a disgusted expression. "Um, no, we won't. That's gross, pal."

"Oh. Well, I was goin' for da dramatic approach, ya know? Thought I'd scare 'im up a bit."

"Well yeah, except you scared me too. No more o' dat gross toenails business, at least not when I'm on duty, 'ight?"

"Um—" Ammy tried to say, but the sparrows were talking too fast.

"A'ight, a'ight. We'll let da Boss give it to 'em then!"

"Yeah, da Boss!"

"Da Boss!"

"What the hell is going on?" Link asked Ammy.

The huge panels in the middle of the inn turned around to show the biggest, ugliest sparrow either of them have ever seen.

"Hey Scruffy, d'ya even know who dis is?" asked the Sparrow Who Was Obsessed With The Thought Of Ripping Off Their Toenails, who will from now on be referred to as SWWOWTTOROTT.

Before she could hazard a guess, the other sparrow cut in saying, "He's da Boss!"

"Yeah, da Boss!"

"Da great Boss o' the Sparrow Clan, the Big Daddy Jamba!"

The sparrows giggled like little children on Christmas. "Take it away, Big Daddy! Show dem scruffies how we do it at the Sparrow Clan!"

"…chirp," said Big Daddy.

"…WTF," said Link.

"Uh-oh!" said the SWWOWTTOROTT.

"Da Boss is…SERIOUSLY PISSED!" cried the other. "Ya see, Scruffy, here's how it is. Da Boss's daughter got kidnapped, and he's mad! SO MAD!"

"So we're not gonna let anybody get through dem gates till she's safe and sound, gots it, Scruffy?"

"Yeah, so go on! Get outta here!"

Big Daddy Jamba pressed a button and the panels turned back around again, signifying the end of his part in the conversation. But it wasn't over yet.


	7. In Which a Lot of Animals are Eaten (or Almost)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy faces her worst nightmare. Ume gets eaten again. The stakes are raised.

"Well okay," Ammy said to the remaining sparrow guards. "So do you guys know where she could have gone?"

"Hmm," said the sparrows. "Last time we 'eard, she was headed off toard da Cutta's 'ouse. Dun know what she'd do there."

Ammy had a momentary relapse and awakened a short couple seconds later.

"Well that's nice," she said, smiling pleasantly. "Thanks for sharing. Hope you find her soon."

She padded off back into Taka Pass and proceeded to feed some foxes nearby. Then she circled some trees. Although she accidentally made the sun come out instead, which irritated her slightly.

"Um, Ammy?" said Link. "Aren't we supposed to find the sparrow girl?"

Ammy didn't look at him, but kept blooming trees. "I am NOT going back to that house again, Link. They freaking tried to KILL me. And the way that woman came after me…" She shivered. "I'll forever have nightmares about it." She then looked at him, grinning wolfishly. "But if you'd like to save the sparrow, be my guest."

He turned pale. "Um, no, I think I'm okay, ha ha…"

So they wasted time pleasantly that way until nightfall. Then a demon scroll came after them, and while trying to run away they fell down a cliff and ended up in the Cutter's valley again, except this time on the roof. After their hearts stopped pounding with fear, Ammy blew a hole in the roof with a cherry bomb and peered inside. Mr. Cutter was asleep, and Mrs. Cutter was sharpening her knifes. She glanced up at the hole in the roof and scowled. "Hmph, how inconvenient. The moon reveals our true character. I must stay out of it." And then she turned back to her knives a maniacally happy smile on her twisted face.

"That sounds interesting," Link whispered to Ammy. "Heheh, let's drag her into the light and see what happens."

"Do it yourself!" she hissed at him, pushing him into the hole with her nose. Unfortunately he grabbed her paw and dragged her down with him.

"DAMN YOU, LINK," she said.

"Hmm? What are you doing back here, mutt?" Mrs. Cutter asked, stopping her work for a minute. "You sure got some nerve, breaking into people's houses like this." Ammy's heart stopped for a dangerous minute as the creepy woman inspected her hungrily. "Nah, you wouldn't even make a decent snack," she said, going back to sharpening her knives. "Luckily, my husband caught us a nice sparrow. When it's finally stopped tweeting, we can dig in. Hee hee!"

"What a creeper," Link shivered. "Drag her into the moonlight and see what happens!"

Ammy closed her eyes and grabbed Mrs. Cutter's dirty kimono and dragged her into the light. Her shadow was all clawed and twisted and in general not human-looking.

"GRAWGH! HOW DARE YOU, MANGY MUTT! YOU SAW ME! YOU SAW ME! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL EAT YOU ALL UP!"

"LINK, THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA!" Ammy cried as the Cutters transformed into giant evil fan-and-sword birds. "WAAAAAAAH!" she screamed, and frantically power slashed, cherry bombed, and hit them with all her divine might. At last they were defeated, and they left behind a box, from which popped out the sparrow's daughter. She was adorable and wore pink with a pretty red bow on top of her head.

"Thank you so much for saving me, doggie!" she cried, and ran up and pet Ammy's head. It was strange to be pet by another animal. She giggled and said, "My name's Chun, the flower of Sasa Sanctuary! Can you take me back home, doggie? I'm afraid more monsters will come and get me."

"We're not a day care, kid," Link said. "But I guess we'll suffer to escort you back home."

Chun looked at Link and giggled. "Booooooger!" she said.

Ammy stifled a snicker. "Oh shut it, brat," Link snapped.

They arrived back at Sasa Sanctuary, and the sparrow guards stopped them.

"Hey hey hey, whatchu doin' back 'ere, Scruffy?" said the SWWOWTTOROTT.

"Yeah, nobody's getting' through this gate till da Boss's daughta's found! Got it?"

Chun chirped. "I'm back guys!" she cried, jumping up and down.

"Boss! Boss! She's back! Chun's back!" the guards shouted.

The panels moved again, revealing the giant ugly sparrow.

"Pop! Pop!" Chun cried, flying up to him and bouncing with love on his stomach. "I'm sorry Pop, I won't go out on my own again!"

"…chirp chirp," said Big Daddy Jamba.

"Uh-oh!" said the SWWOWTTOROTT.

"Da Boss is…ECSTATIC!" said the other.

"Are you sure about that?" Link asked, still confused.

"This doggie saved me, Pop! Please give him a reward!" Chun said, smiling up at her daddy. For a moment, Big Daddy didn't do anything. But then he chirped and raised his wings, and the gates burst open.

"You're lucky, Scruffy," said the guard. "Da Boss has takin' a liking to you."

"Yeah, so you bettah gets your butts inside and thank 'im greatly!" said the SWWOWTTOROTT.

And because they didn't want to get their toenails ripped off, they did.

Inside the inn was hectic. Sparrows ran around carrying dishes to all the rooms, shouting back and forth in Brooklyn accents. It was pretty funny, especially when Ammy head butted a sparrow carrying some food and he stopped to catch it all again. Then she fed him some seeds.

"AMMY, DO NOT FEED THE BIRDS!" Link ordered.

"I'll do what I want!" she retorted. He pointed at a sign that said, "Do not feed the animals" and showed a picture of a sparrow. "Dammit, stupid rules," she muttered, and headed up the elevator to receive her gifts and praise.

When that was finished, they headed to the bathhouse area, because that was where Princess Fuse marked the Canine Warrior on their map. Ammy was going to bypass the spring because she hated baths anyway, but a sparrow was making a scene and Link wanted to check it out.

"Excuse me, I'm sorry, but the hot springs is closed!" the sparrow said tersely. "We've run out of water at the moment! I've been praying and praying, but the water just won't come! Oh I am a failure at life! I must beat myself to death with my fried drumsticks!" And he proceeded to stick the burning drumsticks on his forehead until his feathers caught on fire.

"Wow, what a deranged way of going about things," Link said.

"What would my ancestors think?" the sparrow wailed. "I was born to watch over this bathhouse, and I have failed! Oh, beating myself to death with my drumsticks is a fitting end for someone like me!"

He wailed and continued to burn his feathers. Ammy and Link felt quite disturbed but didn't know how to handle the situation.

"Ah, the smell of bamboo and burning feathers sure brings back memories!" said a voice they recognized from Mr. Bamboo. He staggered towards them, taking a long time about it. "Oh hello wolfie, little green elf, masochistic sparrow. I'm feeling very fine today, how about I help you with something?"

"Please leave me alone to sacrifice my flesh in offering to the gods!" the sparrow sobbed.

"Ugh," said Ammy, sniffing the air. "I don't _want_ his burnt flesh. Turnips would be better."

"Well how fortunate for you!" said Mr. Bamboo. "I just so happen to have a water stick on my back! I can dig up that water for you in no time (wellwiththehelpofwolfiethatis)."

"Did I just hear a disclaimer?" Ammy huffed.

"Oh come on, wolfie, it'll be fun! Like a game!" Mr. Bamboo said.

"She'll do it!" Link said. Ammy glared at him. He grinned back and kicked her down the hole.

"DAMN YOU, LINK I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" she called.

"Let's do this, wolfie! OUCH!" said Mr. Bamboo as he stepped onto a spiky block.

DIGGING GAME COMMENCES WITH EPIC DIGGING MUSIC.

"Here it is!" cried Mr. Bamboo, doing the disco with his finger pointed to the sky and his other hand on his hip. Ammy dug in that spot and water gushed into the spring.

"HUZZAH!" everyone cried.

"Oh, I am so happy!" the sparrow said. "I shall dance the hot spring hop forever more!" And then he started jiggling his butt and waving his drumsticks up and down in the air, which apparently prompted another constellation to shine.

"Ah, Amaterasu, origin of all that is good and mother to us all blah blah blah…I, Nuregami, will be happy to lend my power, Waterspout, so you may be forever clean and sparkling and smelling of roses!"

"I hate roses," Ammy grumbled, but she took the power anyway. She had evil intentions of dunking Link with it, and she chuckled to herself at the thought.

"OH NOES I'M ON FIRE!" shouted the sparrow, whom by this time Ammy believed to be a first-rate idiot.

"What are you waiting for? Put 'im out, Ammy!"

She ducked her brush in the water and sprayed it…right on Link.

"GAH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR, FURBRAIN! I SAID THE SPARROW, NOT ME!"

"That was for making me go into the Cutter's house," she said. "And for forcing me to play that digging game."

She was very tempted to leave the sparrow like that, thinking he would at some point realize he could just go into the water himself. But she hated the smell of burning feathers, so she put it out for him.

"Shaweet. One step closer to getting that smiting power, Ammy!" Link said.

They headed up the path to the bamboo forest and found a fat sparrow crying about his dog. They found the dog in a huge shoot of bamboo, not knowing how it got there or how it could move around from one shoot to the other.

"I think it's a wizard, Ammy," Link whispered.

"Or maybe an alien," Ammy whispered back.

But anyway, no one really cared about this dog. It was so unimportant, in fact, that they forgot all about what happened after that.

"Hey Link, how'd we end up getting this blue orb?" Ammy asked as they headed towards Agata Forest. "It says _Satomi Power Orb, aka Naryue's Pearl_. And I don't know how it got there."

"Beats me," Link shrugged. "Just go with it."

So they left Sasa Sanctuary behind, although not before Ammy fed all the animals (excluding the sparrows, much to her chagrin).

When they reached Agata Forest they found Kokari whistling by the Deep Abyss, looking worried. Ammy was getting hungry, so she hunted down a rabbit. Then she fed the others.

"Have you guys seen Ume?" he asked. "He disappeared again! Oh, what will I do? I must be the unluckiest guy on earth!"

"Yeah, probably," Link said. "But we haven't seen him. We kinda need to though, cuz we think he's a Canine Warrior."

Kokari stared at him blankly. "What?"

"Nevermind," Link said.

"Well, I hope he hasn't fallen in," Kokari said, looking over the edge. "My fisherman's instincts tell me the legendary fish has awoken. Its name is…WHOPPER!" His eyes grew big as he described the huge fish. "Legend says he swallowed the reflection of the moon, which is why the moon never rises in Agata Forest!"

"Or maybe you can't see it cuz of all the ugly mossy trees," Ammy offered.

"You don't think Whopper could've swallowed Ume too, do you?" Kokari asked Link, ignoring Ammy.

"Well, that dog has a tendency to get eaten a lot…" Link said. "There's probably a high chance he was…Wait, damn, that means we failed our quest for the Canine Warriors! C'mon Ammy let's look around for him, he's gotta be here somewhere!"

They headed up to the spring and found Kushi with an insanely huge and heavy-looking barrel.

"Hmm, so here's the barrel…and here's the water…and…and…ugh, I don't know how I'm going to get the water _in_ the barrel!" She mumbled some more to herself and stared down into the spring. Ammy took pity on her and filled the barrel with her newfound power. She "accidentally" overshot and hit Link too.

"GAH FURBRAIN, DON'T HIT ME TOO!" he shouted.

Kushi turned around. "Oh look, it's you two! I don't remember meeting you because you raided my sake cellar instead of asking me, but I am a very forgiving young woman. I'm trying to make 8 Purification Sake for the upcoming festival, but I seem to be having problems…" She looked into the barrel. "Oh, what's this? I seem to have water in the barrel now! How wonderful! Now to just—carry—this—back—"

"I WON'T LET YOU!" cried a red imp, throwing his guitar at her.

"What the hell, dude?" Link said. "She didn't do anything to you!"

"BACK, FOUL BEAST!" said Susano, running up to save the day. Two more imps appeared, this time yellow drummers. "AH—ERM—T-take one m-more step and it will be your l-l-last!"

 _Be a man, idiot,_ Tsuki said, ever sympathetic as always. More imps flew onto the scene.

"I think they're just trying to have a party," Ammy said helpfully. Everyone ignored her.

"F-f-f-fine! Y-y-you as-asked for it! D-do not fear, f-fair Kushi, the g-great Susano is here to s-s-save the day!" He dropped his sword, he was trembling so much.

 _DON'T DROP THE GREAT ME, YOU IMBECILE!_ Tsuki shouted.

"Susano style SWORD OF PASSION!" Susano cried, jumping up and cutting down the demons with the help of his godly siblings. "Huh?" he said, inspecting the sword. Even Susano wasn't an idiot. He knew wooden swords did not cut down demons, although why he still carried it, no one had any idea.

"T-thank you, Susano," Kushi said, blushing. "You were so brave…are you listening, Susano?"

"I knew it," he said. "This sword is possessed!"

 _Give him a cookie, little sister dear,_ Tsuki said sarcastically.

"By the gods, I will expose your nefarious scheme!" Susano declared. "You listen to me, O evil spirit of the sword! I will not be controlled like some tool!"

 _Too bad, cuz you are,_ said Tsuki. _And I'm not evil, or planning a nefarious scheme, you idiot!_

"He thinks trying to take my astral pouch is nefarious and evil," Ammy smirked. Tsuki sent her poisonous vibes, and she power slashed him.

_Dammit, Amaterasu! I'll get your astral pouch if that's the last thing I do!_

"Whateves," she said, going back down to Kokari. Kokari pulled on his fishing line and miraculously brought up a huge red tadpole.

"What the hell, is that tadpole the Whopper?" Link said incredulously as it went by. Then he rubbed his eyes and gaped at the pink thing in the tadpole's mouth. "OMIGOD IS THAT UME? WHAT THE HELL'S HE DOIN' IN THE FISH'S MOUTH?"

"UME!" Kokari cried. "Oh no, my line snapped!"

Ammy sighed. She hated fishing with the Wii remote, but it was all for the sake of the Satomi Power Orb. And Ume too, she supposed. So they fished and caught the Whopper, which floundered about on shore and spat up Ume, who was miraculously not digested. It also spat out a rabbit with red markings, which Ammy thought looked delicious and decided to eat.

The water on the surface of the Deep Abyss shimmered, and a constellation appeared. Ammy filled in the blank stars and waited, but nothing happened.

"Where's Yumigami?" she asked, looking around.

 _Amaterasu,_ said Tsuki tetchily. _Did you by any chance eat the rabbit that came out of Whopper's mouth?_

Ammy looked guilty. "Um, yeah. Why?"

_Because that was Yumigami._

Silence.

"OH SHITZ, YOU JUST ATE A GOD, AMMY!" Link cried, not helping things a bit.

"Not like that brush power was useful, anyway," she retorted. "Tsuki can always make the moon shine for me, can't you?"

 _Stupid little sister,_ Tsuki grumbled.

A sudden thought occurred to Ammy. "Tsuki," she said. "If I ate Yumigami…does that mean the mochi in our bet is the last mochi Yumigami ever made? As in, we won't ever eat her mochi again?"

Silence.

_Well shit. That just made our bet worth so much more, now didn't it?_

A new fire kindled in Ammy's eyes. "I AM SO GETTING THAT MOCHI, TSUKI!"

 _NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!_ Tsuki cried. Ammy now had so many things at stake. The fate of the world, her pride, and Yumigami's last mochi.

"Alright Ume, let's get this fight over with so I can get a head start on my brothers," Ammy said.

THEY FIGHT.

"You are worthy of bearing the Canine Tracker," Ume said. "But I cannot return Princess Fuse's summons. Please take this in my stead."

An orange orb came out of his bandana and hovered over Ammy's nose. Link conducted the Zelda jingle and the scroll at the bottom of the screen read, _You got Satomi Power Orb Justice! (aka Din's Pearl)._

"Yes," said Ammy. "Thanks to Hayabusa's time saving technique, we now have all three of the last Satomi Orbs! Alright Link, let's sprint back to Fuse's place! Yumigami's mochi is at stake here!"

"Plus, we're probably way behind the prophet in terms of nabbin' that treasure," Link grumbled. "Alright, Ammy, FULL SPEED AHEAD!"


	8. In Which Names are Apparently Very Important

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy discovers a sadistic pleasure. Link discovers his favorite brush power. A demon's name is misremembered.

The headed up to Princess Fuse's house and found the other five Satomi warriors sitting on pillowcases underneath their own umbrellas.

"Geez, how spoiled can you get?" Link muttered. The dogs wagged their tails, apparently thinking they were being complimented. Ammy wondered if they acted like idiots on purpose. It was a good strategy, especially considering no one expected anything of them, and on top of that they got their own, personalized pillows. She would have to try it out in her next life.

"Oh my, if it isn't my favorite wolf and elf!" Princess Fuse exclaimed. "I must speak with you about the remaining three Canine Warriors."

She stared at them expectantly. They stared back, even more expectantly. Finally, Ammy gave up on the Princess and stared expectantly at Link instead, and he said, "We're ready to listen, so shoot."

Princess Fuse blinked. "I was waiting to hear from you about them."

Ammy snorted derisively. Link coughed and replied, "Erm, well, you didn't ask."

"Oh!" exclaimed Princess Fuse, genuinely surprised. "I thought it was self-evident."

"Er, right," said Link. "Well, I'm afraid we've got some bad news…"

"THEY'RE DEAD?" Princess Fuse cried, paling and gripping the edges of her seat.

"Um, no," Link assured her. "I mean, we found 'em and everything, and they were alive, no worries there, but they didn't want to come back."

"Oh, I see." Princess Fuse relaxed and released her breath. "Well, that's good then, I suppose. As long as they're happy and protecting their new masters, I have no regrets."

"What about the Satomi Power Orbs, though?" Ammy asked. "We can't get into Gale Shrine without them."

"Oh yeah, that's right!" Link said.

"Oh," said Princess Fuse, looking troubled. "Well. I forgot about those. Hmm. I suppose that is a problem. Oh dear."

"HA just kidding!" Link cried, bouncing up and down as Ammy presented the last three orbs. "Ha, you shoulda seen the look on your face, sweets! PRICELESS!"

Princess Fuse pouted. "That wasn't appreciated," she said. "But I'll forgive you. At any rate, the Satomi Power Orbs were returned, and that's all that matters. Now I can break Scarlet Headdress's barrier!"

"Huzzah!" barked the dogs, their tongues lolling out of their mouths. The orbs broke loose and started to swirl around Ammy instead.

"Oh my!" said Princess Fuse. "Have the Power Orbs accepted you as their new master?"

"You bet they did," Ammy replied. "I think they'd prefer someone who could actually _do_ something, for a change."

"Whew, well that sure relieves a lot of my stress," Princess Fuse said, falling back onto her cushioned chair with a flop. "Thank you for doing this for me, Amaterasu. I will pray that you do not die in battle, or worse."

"…Right," Ammy said, and took off to Gale Shrine, where, much to her shock, she found Susano. Fortunately, though, he was fast asleep, and nowhere near beating her in that bet. "Hey Tsuki," she smirked. "How's it going with you? Oh, right. You can't get in the Shrine."

 _Shut it, little sister,_ Tsuki snapped. _Susano's just meditating, preparing for his big battle. Which he will win, by the way._

"Not before me," Ammy sang. "And that mochi will be aaaaaallllll mine. Oh, and guess what else I got? A way into Gale Shrine."

While Tsuki sputtered unintelligible threats at her, she pranced up to Yatsu and the barrier.

"Why, if it isn't the fair maiden again!" Yatsu said. "And you are back with an intense power! Could it be…the Satomi Power Orbs?"

"None other," Ammy said, smiling. Yatsu always put her in a good mood with his compliments, plus she was closer to winning that bet than Tsuki, so she was quite happy.

"Why, the Satomi Power Orbs will only choose the savior of the Satomi House! That is more than enough proof for me, fair maiden. I suppose I have no choice but to let you pass."

"That's right, you flaky ghost!" Link retorted.

Yatsu shivered. "Ugh, the booger." He turned and faced Ammy. "Beware, fair maiden. Vermillion Garland is a terrible foe. It is said after the 8 headed snake was slain 100 years ago, the monster sprung out of a pool of blood. Like a daisy."

"How…horrifying," Ammy said, feeling goosebumps all over her skin. The Satomi Power Orbs, apparently deeming the time was right, swirled up and burst through the barrier, locking into place in the stone, which allowed the gate to open. Susano rushed over to them.

"At last, the gate to the Shrine is open!" he said. "Foul spirit of the sword, the time is come! I will reveal your true form!"

 _Thanks a bunch, little sis,_ Tsuki smirked as Susano hurried into the cave as if he was possessed, which he very well could have been.

"Grawgh, dammit!" Ammy muttered. "C'mon, Link!"

They headed into the Shrine, which was mostly a cave with a little lake in the center. Ammy found a path to the side and came across a demon gate, defeated the weird water-pot monkey-tiger-lizard thing, and found an exorcising arrow. She really liked these things. It always gave her a cruel satisfaction whenever the arrow pierced the damn demon's eye.

"Mwahaha, die, sucker," she chuckled.

"I think you're taking this bet too seriously," Link noted, more than a little uncomfortable with Ammy's dark sadistic side.

They stepped onto the platform and their ears were assaulted by some nice elevator music.

"Good thing they had the music, cuz if not I wouldn't have known what this thing was," Ammy said, and drew a cherry bomb in the center. A giant tube sucked it up, it exploded, and they soared up to the second floor, where Ammy made quick work of another weird water-pot monkey-tiger-lizard thing and retrieved another exorcising arrow.

"Meheheh," she chuckled darkly, all the way up to the third floor. Link stood by awkwardly, unfortunately trapped in the elevator with a psychotic wolf. It would be a good awkward moment to share with his mates when he got back to the Great Sea in Windwaker, though.

Ammy watched the demon lock twisting and turning in fear and agony at the sight of the arrow, and she chuckled evilly.

"FOR GODS' SAKE, PUT THE POOR THING OUT OF ITS AGONY!" Link shouted.

"Alright, alright," she conceded, chucking the arrow at the demon's face. They walked outside and headed up the stairs. It was really dark out when it was supposed to be daytime.

"I thought I already took care of all the problems concerning time of day," Ammy muttered. She reversed the direction of the wind, and at once the skies cleared up to their normal daytime blue. The big windmill creaked and groaned as it got used to being moved again, and just when Ammy was starting to feel better about the proper time of day a constellation shined down and ruined it.

"Ah, Amaterasu, origin of all that is good and mother to us all, blah blah blah…take my power of wind so that you can blow up women's skirts!"

"Yes! Finally! A brush power that's useful!" Link cheered.

"I was kidding about that," Kazegami said. "And besides, it doesn't work. I've tried. It's actually more useful for blowing the flowers off trees you've bloomed, making them look like they haven't been bloomed yet. And when you do bloom them again, you get angry because you don't get any Praise."

"Damn," Ammy grumbled as Kazegami faded away. "I hate when that happens."

Link looked crestfallen. "So no sneak peeks for me…." he sighed.

"Couldn't you do that on your own?" Ammy asked. "I mean, you _are_ the WIND waker, aren't you? Implying that you control wind?"

Link was silent.

"Useless," Ammy scoffed.

"Oh, shut it, Furbrain," he snapped. "Don't you have Crimson what's-his-face to destroy?"

They headed back to the room with the windmills and Ammy used her newfound power to blow them to the other side. She vined up to the wooden planks and hopped across the hanging scrolls, blew away the fire being spewed out of nasty little statues, and finally came to the boss room.

"Woah, look at that treasure, Ammy!" Link said, drooling. "Alright, we got here before that half-baked prophet! SHAWEET!"

"And my brothers aren't here either," Ammy said smugly, looking around the shadowy room. Link ran forward to nab the crystal, but then the lamps around the room burst into flame, and a fiery presence swirled into the air before materializing before them as a mean, armored horse.

"A crimson helmet?" Link said. "Ammy, do you think this is that monster they were talkin' about? What's his name…Scarlet Headdress?"

"Ruby Regalia?" Ammy offered.

"No, no…it was more like Vermillion Garland…"

"FOOLS!" the monster bellowed. "IT'S CRIMSON HELM! CRIMSON HELM, GOT IT? CAN NO ONE REMEMBER SUCH A SIMPLE NAME?"

"Geez, alright, sorry. It's just a name, come on!" Link said.

Crimson Helm affixed him with an evil, smoldering glare. "IT IS NOT 'JUST A NAME', FOOL! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY YEARS IT TOOK FOR ME TO COME UP WITH THIS FEARSOME NAME THAT WOULD GARNER MY REPUTATION?"

"100?" Ammy hazarded.

"THAT IS CORRECT! YOU HAVE INCURRED MY WRATH, WOLF AND LITTLE ELF! I WILL MAKE SURE YOU NEVER AGAIN FORGET THE NAME: CRIMSON HELM!"

The beast charged at them, and Ammy hit him until his armor fell off.

"Yikes! Hot! Watch it, Furbrain!" Link shouted. Ammy blew the flames out of the way and attacked his vulnerable bones.

"GRAWGH!" Crimson Helm roared. He lifted his swords and the earth cracked open, revealing eight fiery Orochi heads.

"Man, they just keep getting realer and realer!" Link said, cowering behind Ammy. "Last time they were just shadows, weren't they? Now they actually look like they can do some major damage!"

"WAIT!" cried a voice. Susano jumped in next to Ammy. "I can handle this one, Fido. CHARGE!" He leapt at the Orochi heads, and Ammy helped him cut them down. Then he landed in front of Crimson Helm and started spinning.

"What the hell's he doing?" Link said.

"Now, for some WIND!" Susano cried.

"Man, he couldn't be any more obvious, could he?" Ammy muttered, giving him a burst of wind so he could spin faster.

"ONIGIRI SECRET TECHNIQUE: WINDS OF WRATH!" he shouted, spinning into the air and cutting apart the Crimson Helm's helmet.

"NO—NOOOO!" Crimson Helm cried. "NOT MY HELMET…THE ACCUMULATION OF EVERYTHING I'VE WORKED FOR…" His armor disappeared and his skeleton body fell to the ground with a crash.

Susano landed next to him, doing a perfect pirouette. "Yeah baby, learned that one from the dance studio," he said. Ammy was jealous, but didn't admit it. Susano then glanced down at his sword.

"I knew it," he murmured. "This is not my doing. The gods are mocking me. HEY, ARE YOU LISTENING UP THERE?" he called to the ceiling.

"Yeah, but I'm down here," Ammy said, grinning.

"ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?"

"Yeah, it's pretty funny watching you."

"ALL I WISH IS TO LIVE IN PEACE! DO YOU ENJOY DOGGING MY EVERY STEP?"

"Heheh, 'dogging', that's a good one, but I'm a wolf."

"SHUT _UP_ FIDO!" Susano glowered, and Ammy snickered. He turned back to his rant at the ceiling. "I've had enough with all this 'Nagi's descendant this, Nagi's descendant that'! NOW LEAVE ME BE!" He then raced back out of the Shrine to go somewhere else, heaven knows where.

"Phew, for a minute there, I was scared he'd take the treasure!" Link said. A movement up on the platform caught his eye. "HEY, WHAT'RE YOU DOING THERE?"

" _Bonjour_!" said Waka. "Oh, am I interrupting something?"

"WHAT—WHAT—?" Link sputtered.

"What, this?" Waka said, holding up the crystal that looked suspiciously like a grape. "This is the Serpent Crystal, and it's all mine at last!"

"HEY, WE SAW IT FIRST! IT'S OURS!"

"Finder's keepers," Waka reminded, shaking his finger at Link.

"See, look, you guys are having a lover's spat!" Ammy squealed.

Waka gave her a _what-the-hell-goes-on-in-your-brain-nevermind-I-don't-want-to-know_ look and tried (in vain) to ignore that comment.

"Anyway, it won't do you any good to take it," he went on. "After all, I'm the only one who can dispel the barrier. You know, the barrier at the Moon Cave, Orochi's stronghold."

"Yeah yeah, we know, you stupid prophet," Link grumbled. "And I doubt you're the only one. There's nothing special about you. I don't even know why you're in this game."

"You will soon," Waka replied cheekily. "And I don't see you being much use either. You're not even in the _right_ game, my little bouncing friend."

"He's got a point," Ammy said, and before Link could defend himself the ground shook with a raging roar.

"Hm? You calling me, big boy?" Waka said, presumably to Orochi. "Keep your scales on, I'm coming." He flew up to the roof of the little shrine and then remembered something. "Oh yes, I almost forgot my prophecy!"

"WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR IT."

He smirked at Link's comment and of course went on anyway. "I foresee a rendezvous with a sweet little thing!" he said, winking and blowing them a kiss. "Anyway, I must be off! _Au reviour_ , baby!"

"Dammit, I don't like that he's having more appearances lately," Link muttered darkly. "He's already appeared in three more chapters than he should be in!"

"He's only been in three chapters so far," Ammy said.

"Exactly."

"Meh, whateves," Amy shrugged. "Let's get going. Standing around here's not going to help anything. And I want that mochi, dammit."

So they headed back out of Gale Shrine, through the Mermaid fountain in Taka Pass (because Ammy hated going through Agata Forest, such a pain in the ass) and ended up in Shinshu Field, just in time for a festival. BABY.


	9. Which is Sadly Lacking in the Sake Department

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Susano strikes again. Kushi emulates her hero. Waka performs a song and dance.

In Okamiland, a festival can only mean one thing. Festival usually translates to party, and party immediately translates to sake. Therefore, by transitive property, festival equals sake.

"HELL YES," said Link. "I could definitely use a little sake right now."

He sounded like he had actually done something, which he still hadn't. Ammy rolled her eyes. "Right. Broken pride is _such_ a tragedy."

"Oh, shut up," Link scowled. He noticed all the villagers standing outside Susano's house. "Hey, what's goin' on over here?"

"Get out here this instant, Susano!" Mr. Orange seethed. "You have some explaining to do! How could you drink the sacred sake meant for Konohana?"

"OH NO HE DIDN'T," Link said, his eyes flashing dangerously.

"You can come out, Susano. We're not mad at you," Mrs. Orange pleaded.

"OH YES WE ARE," Link and Mr. Orange said simultaneously, glaring at her and instantly shutting her up with their deadly aura.

"I don't care if it's so special!" came Susano's muffled voice from deep inside his house. "I just had to have a drink!"

"Yeah, well so do I, but I don't get any because you freaking DRANK IT ALL!" Link shouted.

"And this isn't just any old festival!" Mr. Orange explained. "It's been exactly 100 years since Nagi and Shiranui's great victory! Look, we've even been blessed by a full moon similar to the legend! How could you do such a despicable thing, drinking the 8 Purification Sake?"

"Is it really all gone?" Link asked wistfully.

Mushi nodded solemnly. "Susano came running back to the village like a madman," he said. "He drank all the sake Kushi brewed and holed himself up in his house."

"Damn," Ammy sighed. "What an idiot. Especially since Orochi came back. You know, since it's a full moon and all, won't a maiden have to be sacrificed? Has anyone other than me thought of this yet?"

No one paid any attention to her, as usual. Susano hiccupped and began his tale of woe.

"It's all my fault…Orochi coming back…the cursed zone and everything…I wanted to prove that the legends were fake…hic…that I wasn't Nagi's descendent. I don't think anyone noticed—hic—but I'm lazy and a coward."

"Um, no, we all knew that," Mr. Orange said.

"…Oh. Well, ahem, yeah. I am the one to blame for all your misfortune! I singlehandedly brought utter devastation upon the world!"

"I wouldn't give you _that_ much credit," Ammy said.

Just then, a sacrificial arrow appeared in the air and whizzed over their heads to land with a whack on Kushi's house.

"I told you guys," Ammy said.

"Ammy, not helping," said Link.

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!" Mr. Orange lamented. "According to legend, we must sacrifice the chosen maiden, or else our village will be wiped off the face of the earth!"

Kushi looked at her house with grim determination, then turned around to face Susano's.

"You are no coward, Susano," she said, holding her sleeve above her nose in an epic pose. "I believe in you. After all, you saved me before, didn't you? I know you can do it. I know you'll come save me again!"

Ammy thought she sounded more like she was trying to convince herself, but nonetheless she was impressed by Kushi's courage.

"Wait, Kushi, you aren't going to actually go, are you?" Mr. Orange flailed desperately.

"No shit, Sherlock," Ammy said, rolling her eyes.

Kushi ran into her house and changed clothes in two seconds, which would have been shocking to them if she hadn't already been named Fastest Clothes-Changer of the year. She carried a sparkling yellow jar of sake above her head. Link gazed at it wistfully.

"Sakeeeeeeeeee," he drooled.

"NO," Ammy ordered.

"Sake is my life!" Kushi told them, holding the sake high so no one could reach it (no one, namely being Link). "Orochi of the legend was said to be intoxicated with sake. I believe I can do at least this much!" Then she ran off toward Shinshu Field. Ammy watched her go with newfound respect. She knew firsthand, running in yukatas was no easy feat, especially since they had an unpleasant tendency to split open at the most inconvenient times.

"She just ran off with the sake, Ammy!" Link whined. "And besides, does she think she can defeat Orochi all by herself? She's just a girl!"

Ammy glared at him. "Girls aren't helpless, Link. You're so sexist. Just look at me. _I'm_ a girl, and I kick ass."

Link choked back a laugh. "That's cuz you're not a girl," he snickered.

Ammy kicked him in the groin. "I am if I say I am," she said threateningly, hoping Link learned his lesson. The lesson being: When a girl says she kicks ass, she's kidding. She really kicks balls, so watch out.

"Alright, alright, lesson learned," Link winced. "But shouldn't we help out at least?"

They found Kushi just outside Kamiki, sitting on the ground and panting.

"Wow, she didn't get very far," Ammy noted.

"Please don't stop me, Snowy and little elf," she said. "If Orochi's chosen victim runs away, disaster will befall Kamiki."

"Erm, I don't think you're going anywhere, sweets," Link said.

Kushi ignored him. "But I am not doing this for Kamiki. I am doing this for the sake of world peace!" Her eyes lit up with a determined fire. "I will use my sake and cleanse us of this evil menace!"

"Woah, she sounds like Jesus," Ammy marveled.

"Yeah, well, I don't know what Jesus _you're_ talking about, Furbrain," said Link, "but the Jesus _I_ know doesn't cleanse the world with sake. And besides, how do you even know about Jesus? The Portuguese haven't come to Nippon yet."

"JAPAN," Ammy huffed. "And I'm a god, remember? I've _met_ Jesus. And you're starting to sound like Sakuya."

"Are we perhaps talking about Jesus?" Kushi asked. "He is my hero!"

Orochi must have sensed the conversation steadily moving away from the point, since he roared impatiently in the distance.

"Oh yeah, we still gotta defeat Orochi," Link said. Kushi grabbed her sake and Ammy pulled Kushi onto her back and they all headed for the Moon Cave. There, Waka was waiting for them, preparing to break the barrier.

"There you are, Amaterasu," he said. "I take it you enjoyed your rendezvous with the sacrificial girl? You sure took your time about it."

"We were having a very stimulating conversation," Ammy replied. "But I must say, your prophecies really do suck."

Waka put an arm behind his head and smiled with embarrassment. "Well, I can't help that, _ma cherie_. Clover whispers these things in my ear and I just repeat them, you see. Sorry if they're lame. If you don't like it, take it up with the big man. But you must agree that they put a little extra pizzazz in the storyline, don't they?"

Ammy shrugged. "Meh, I'll give you that."

"You…" Link spat, glowering at Waka. "You're Orochi's familiar, aren't you!"

Waka gave Link a look of pity for the unfortunate size of his brains and then turned back to Ammy. " _Ma cherie_ , if perhaps you could do something about the pest…?"

"I've tried," Ammy said, and then grinned. "You have to admit, though, he's pretty entertaining."

Waka smirked. "Yes, I suppose I'll give you that." He pulled out the Serpent Crystal he stole from them at the Gale Shrine and did some fancy-shmancy sword/flute spinning that Ammy thought was completely unnecessary and played his pretty theme song. Pink snake-looking things in the barrier swarmed into the crystal and then simply disappeared.

"Heh, the prophet's got a girly theme song," Link muttered.

Waka, not even bothering to look back, replied smartly, "Yes, but at least I look hot no matter what I do, my little bouncing friend."

"Agreed," Ammy said, laughing at Link's expression.

The earth shook, and from deep inside the cave a huge, snake-like shadow lunged out and grabbed Kushi in its jaws. Ammy and Link ran after her, only to find the barrier close behind them.

"WHAT THE HELL! AMMY, I TOLD YOU HE WAS EVIL!" Link shouted, running into the barrier multiple times.

"You ran in of your own accord, no?" Waka said. "Only one other besides the victim is supposed to go in." He smirked. "I suppose you still don't count, my little bouncing friend. Nice try, though."

Above Link's unintelligible remarks, Waka continued, "Here is another prophecy for you, _ma cherie_ , because I know you enjoy them so much. I even choreographed a dance for it. Look, the moon, the moon came out!" He did something that looked like the hula, then said, "Eh? Eh? Wasn't that a good one? No, no, nevermind, don't answer. Don't worry, I'm saving my best for last. _Au revoir_!"

"Damn flaky prophet," Link muttered as they ran up the stairs of the Moon Cave. He sighed heavily. "I could _really_ use some sake right about now…"

"Too bad Kushi brought the last jar with her…and too bad she's also the last sake brewer, otherwise she could brew more," Ammy said, just to lighten things up.

That seemed to stir Link up a bit. "Ammy," he said, his eyes clear and serious. "We have to destroy Orochi. FOR SAKE!"

"And mochi!" Ammy added.

Oh yeah. And Kushi too. And perhaps for the sake of the world, but their top priority was sake at the moment. After all, what would be a world without sake?


	10. Which is Full of Inedible Delicacies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link initiates a joke-off. Ammy discovers a new use for Link. Ajimi does his thing.

If Ammy remembered correctly, getting to Orochi's lair was actually pretty easy. All they had to do was climb the stairs and _viola_ , there would be Orochi.

But of course "They" had to make it extremely not easy.

"Dammit, the stairs are out," Ammy growled.

"And the elevator's not working," Link added, pointing to the doors to the side with a button that had an arrow pointing up. "Says 'Sorry, out of Commission until after the Kamiki Festival'. Well that sucks, cuz by then, Kushi'd be dead and all the sake'd be gone."

Ammy sighed. "Give me a hint, Link."

"Okay," said Link, closing his eyes and holding out his hands. "Let me think. Oh yeah, how about that saying of mine! You know, leap before you think!"

Ammy blinked. "I've never heard you say that before. And it's a lame catchphrase."

Link grumbled. "Well, _I_ like it," he said. "And it's better than anything the prophet's ever said, so there."

"French is hot," Ammy said. "Although, not nearly as hot as British accents. Especially _gay_ British accents." She squealed and went off in her own somewhat problematically fetishistic dreamland, and was so absorbed that she didn't see where she was walking and fell down the gap in the stairs.

They landed in an icy lair underneath Orochi's throne room, and a couple imps behind them called out sharply.

"Oi! Whaddya think you're doing down here, Fluffy?"said the red imp, whom we will call EE.

"This is the stronghold of our master, the great Lord Orochi-sama! No place for a wolf like you!" said the black imp, whom we will call HEH.

"Not just any wolf, the ugliest wolf I've ever seen!" said EE.

HEH sniggered and added, "Look at that ugly mug! It's so long, I could've spotted it a kilometer away!" (Because imps use the metric system, like every other country in the world that has any common sense.)

"Oh yeah!" Link said, jumping to Ammy's defense and snapping out his wand. "Well, yo momma's so dumb, she got stabbed in a shoot-out!"

The imps scoffed.

"Is that all you've got, peewee?" said HEH.

"LAME," sniggered EE.

"Let's see you two do better!" Link retorted.

"Yo momma's so dumb, when a brain sucker attached to her head it starved!"

"Yeah? Well _yo_ momma's so dumb, she tried to climb over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!"

"Are you guys quite done with the trash talking?" said Ammy, coming up from behind and swinging Link up onto her back. While Link was swapping yo momma jokes with the imps, she had gone off to explore and found what was left of Kushi's sake and a piece of paper that she decided would look good on her face.

"Woah, hey, whadd're you doing here?" said EE. "Looking for intruders?"

"Pft, wouldn't worry about it if I were you," said HEH. "There was that silly looking wolf a while back…but we got this place covered. You should go inside—I'm sure they have better use of you there."

"Cool," said Ammy, slightly confused but grateful all the same.

"We'll continue this when I get back," Link told the imps, glaring them down.

They entered the Moon Cave and headed to the only place that wasn't blocked off, which was the kitchens. They rescued an imp out of a huge pot of soup, and he wiped the hot liquid off his forehead.

"Whew!" he said. "Thank you kindly, sweetheart. That was too close for comfort there, wasn't it darling? By the way, I am the fabulously amazing head chef of this kitchen. You may call me Ajimi." The imp called Ajimi beamed at them.

"Cooking is my life, darling. I absolutely love it! And as head chef, I am in charge of whipping up a lip-smacking appetizer to whet Lord Orochi's appetite before the human sacrifice course. But alas—"

"Don't tell me you lost some secret ingredients or something," Ammy said.

"Oh my, you _are_ a bright one, sweetheart!" Ajimi said. "I have indeed lost four of the special ingredients. I _suppose_ I could finish up without them…but then I wouldn't be putting my heart into my beloved meal! Incidentally, if you find these ingredients for me, I just may give you the special once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to bring the appetizer up to Lord Orochi's throne room! Not every imp gets that privilege, sweetheart, don'tcha know."

"Oooh," said Ammy, who was liking this imp more and more every minute. "Okay, I'll help you out."

"OH MY that's fabulous news, sweetheart!" Ajimi cried, jumping up and down with joy. "I almost forgot, take this key with you. The rest is up to you, darling!"

Ajimi gave them an exorcising arrow, which Ammy thought strange for a demon to do to another demon, but she was grateful for it anyway because she liked stabbing the demon lock in the eye with it.

They found Ogre Liver so easily it was a piece of cake. Well, they wished it was cake, at least. Cake is a lot more appetizing than liver, hands down.

They did some more exploring and found a brush god, which was pretty convenient. Moegami gave Ammy the power to burn things, which was almost as cool as being able to smite them. But not quite.

She used her newfound power to melt those evil ice wheel things and earned the Lips of Ice for her reward, which wasn't so bad because it was one of the things they needed on Ajimi's grocery list.

"Hey, remember that wooden bridge we tried to cross that broke on us?" Link said.

"Vaguely," Ammy replied.

"Well, I think we can go back to it now because we can melt that huge ice block in front of the door!"

"Cool," said Ammy, who went back to the room, restored the bridge, and melted the huge block of ice. As they walked into another demon gate she told Link, "You know, it's a good thing I have to repair things now and then because sometimes I forget I still have the Rejuvenation brush power. It's pretty useless otherwise."

They battled a new wheel made out of fire, which Ammy thought was slightly unfair because it wasn't affected when she tried to burn it. Nonetheless, it was defeated, and they won the hard-earned Eyeball of Fire and an exorcising arrow.

"Yes, only one more of these freaking gross ingredients—what'd Ajimi call them?"

"Spices."

"Yeah, these things are definitely _not_ spices," said Link, making a face as Ammy tossed him the Eyeball of Fire. Being next to useless, it was his job to hold all the ingredients until they gave them to Ajimi.

If Ammy thought she was done with strange rooms, she was completely wrong. This one was by far the strangest. Plus it had absolutely nothing to do with the theme of ice that coated the rest of the dungeon. Instead it was almost entirely made of sand, complete with sand piles and sand castles and sandwiches. Probably the only thing not made of sand in the entire room was a heavy stone ball that was a pain in the ass to headbutt all the way across the room since it kept falling down holes when no one wanted it to.

"GRAWGH STUPID-ASS STONE BALL NO ONE LIKES YOU!" Ammy shouted when it fell down yet another hole. She cursed at it more colorfully when it stubbornly refused to go on top of the switch where it belonged. But at last it worked and the stone balls in stone pedestals all around the room burst into flame. Ammy was sure it was useful somehow, because if not someone was going to pay very dearly.

Ammy vined up to the top floor and hopped across the banners where she quickly discovered the usefulness of the burning stone balls. She used them to light the end of the spinning cannon, which was yet another annoying task because it took a lot of patience and perfect timing, neither of which Ammy was in any mood to divulge at the moment. Plus, she ran out of cannonballs and was forced to use Link instead.

"DAMN YOU AMMY BLARGHFSHGRAWMPH," he said, his voice muffling deep inside the cannon.

"Sorry Link, some of us have to make sacrifices, and since I'm the one with the brush technique…" She sighed heavily for show, then muttered under her breath, "Heh, payback, sucker."

"GYAAAAAAAAA!" Link answered as he burst out of the cannon, taking a perfect hit to the wall on the opposite side of the room. Ammy picked him off the ground and they headed into the new cavern Link made with his head, where they painstakingly rolled another ball (this time using wind because it was on fire) all the way down the corridor until Ammy could use it to melt the huge ice block barricading the way. The rest was easy as pie. The thought of which made Ammy's stomach rumble, because all this nasty food was making her hungry for something edible.

With the collection of the last ingredient (Black Demon's Horn), Ammy and Link headed back to Ajimi in the kitchen, grateful that there were no more painstakingly annoying tasks to complete.

"What's this?" cried Ajimi when they presented him with the secret ingredients. "OH MY darling, you're just too wonderful! Now it's time to finish off my special dish! Feast your eyes on my cooking skills, darling. With a true heart and tender loving care, I shall prepare a symphony of demonic goodness!"

Ajimi juggled all the ingredients in the air and threw them into the stew, which bubbled and turned a nasty shade of purple.

"Gross," said Link, who looked like he was going to be sick.

"TADA!" cried Ajimi. "I present you with my masterpiece…Dungheap Slimebucket Goulash!"

Ajimi looked so proud that Ammy tried hard to put on an excited face for him, when she realized that he couldn't see her face anyway because both their faces where covered in paper.

"Well, let's not keep Lord Orochi waiting, sweetheart," Ajimi said. "Go ahead and ring the epicurean bell for me, would you? Eight times, one for each head, and then you can help take the appetizer on up to the throne room."

"Alright," Ammy said, and went out and did it. "Link, let's kidnap him," she told him when they went to go back to the kitchens.

"Who, the chef?" said Link. "Why?"

"Because he's adorable," Ammy said.

Link scoffed. "You only like him because he calls you 'darling' and 'sweetheart'. And besides, he's an imp. Imps aren't adorable."

"Ajimi is," Ammy pouted. "And maybe if _you_ bothered to be nicer to me, I wouldn't have put you in that cannon."

Link grumbled darkly but shoved his mouth closed as soon as they smelled the stench of the appetizer from the kitchen. With the tedious dungeon behind them, they prepared to take on their most epic boss battle fight yet.


	11. Which Ties Up a Bunch of Loose Ends, But Not All of Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Orochi tries to be persuasive. A bet is won. Celebrations are had.

Together with three other imps, Ammy and Link helped bring the goulash up the elevator to Orochi's throne room. Link gulped. He was still looking sick from the stench of the appetizer, but the thought of defeating Orochi and drinking sake seemed to bring some of his old spirit back. They stood on the edge of the precipe overlooking Orochi's throne room, which was pretty much an open arena of dirt and rocks with a small garden and a bell in the center. The appetizer was forgotten.

"Alright Ammy…leap before you think, right?"

"Whatever," Ammy muttered. "I swear you made that lame catchphrase up in the spur of the moment anyway."

"Doesn't matter," Link replied, his eyes flashing as he whipped out his wand. "Cuz that snake's gonna wish he'd never been born from Yami! He's gonna pay for eating our sake brewer, I tell you! Because, dammit, I WANT SAKE."

Ammy tried to hide it, but Link finally spotted the Thunder Brew that she had salvaged from the dungeon. His eyes lit up and he started drooling.

"NO," Ammy said firmly, but Link darted towards it and snatched an end.

"Give it to me, Ammy, I've been in desperate need of a drink for years and years and years!" he moaned.

"No—you— _haven't_!" Ammy growled at him, barely holding the neck of the jar in her mouth. "It's for Orochi, you idiot! You can wait another ten minutes or so!" She gave a final tug and the jar went sailing over their heads and down into the pit with Kushi and Orochi (who was still sleeping under the earth or whatever). The last of the sake spilled into the rivulets and dispersed evenly into eight circular pools.

"Well that was convenient," Ammy said, jumping down. Link was so furious, he had trouble forming words. Then the earth cracked and Orochi swirled out in a shower of dirt and rock and self-impressiveness, even though he was nowhere near as epic as he was 100 years ago. Ammy told him so.

"Wow, you're not looking near as epic as you did last time I kicked your ass," she said. "Last time, you were covered in golden full-body armor. Now you're wearing…is that steel?"

" _Iron_ ," Orochi hissed. " _The process for creating steel hasn't been invented yet, foolish god of the heavens!_ "

"Whatever," Ammy mumbled. "I have another question for you. Why are you, Fire Head, the leader? Personally I think Poison Head or Dark Head is better suited for the job, though I won't say no to Lightning Head either, he seems a little off, which is good news for me."

Orochi bared his teeth. " _I AM THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS, WILD GOD! GOT IT? THE GREAT ME—_ "

" _Yeah, why_ can't _I talk to the god for a minute? I've always wanted to practice my evil voice,_ " piped up Kaminari, the Lightning Head.

" _You? You have no idea what goes on half the time,_ " sneered Tsuchi, the Soil Head. " _That's why Hi doesn't let you talk much, and a good thing too, I might add._ "

" _You're one to talk,_ " Kaminari retorted. " _You keep banging your head on the ground and knocking yourself out. I'm surprised you even have the sense to talk at all._ "

" _Oh, knock it off, you two,_ " said Hikari, the Light Head. " _I hate being in the middle of your arguments._ "

" _I_ would _like to have a go at being the spokeshead, Hi,_ " said Doku, the Poison Head.

" _Me too, actually. Hi_ always _gets to talk. I thought we were supposed to take turns,_ " grumbled Yami, the Dark Head.

" _I don't see why you guys want the job so much,_ " said Mizu, the Water Head. " _I'm perfectly content to let Hi take all the responsibility. It's tough stuff, coming up with all those evil speeches._ "

" _Will you all SHUT UP!_ " the Fire Head, Hi, snarled. " _In case you haven't forgotten, we voted on this fair and square. I became the spokeshead, and I changed the rules so that the new spokeshead would be chosen every hundred years. So it's still my turn. Besides, I have the best Orochi voice of us all, and I have all the brains, and I have all the good looks. Leave the god to me._ " With the disputes all roughly settled, Orochi turned back to Ammy and Link.

" _Now what was I saying before I was so rudely interrupted…? Ah yes…I liked it better when you were a statue._ "

"So did I," Ammy sighed.

" _STOP INTERRUPTING!_ " Orochi hissed. " _I still do not know how you came back after perishing and turning into stone, but having spent 100 years in a cold stony tomb, you reek of decay!_ "

"Hey, hygiene has nothing to do with this," Ammy said. "I don't mock _you_ for your bad breath, do I?"

" _Enough talking!_ " Orochi cried. " _I am getting hungry…how about that sacrificial maiden to start!_ "

All eight of Orochi's heads turned inward towards Kushi and were about to grab her in their jaws until a voice shouted, "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, VILE SERPENT!"

High up on the weird tongue-looking thing that Amy and Link used to get up to Orochi's throne room stood none other than Susano and Tsuki.

"What the hell, how'd they get in here?" Ammy said. "Didn't Waka say only one other person besides the sacrifice could get in? Didn't the barrier close behind us? Am I imagining things?"

Ammy could tell Tsuki was smirking and feeling very proud of himself. _Surprised, Amaterasu?_ he said. _I managed to pull a few strings._

"Susano! Oh Susano, I _knew_ you would come!" cried Kushi.

"Of course!" said Susano, glaring down at the 8-headed snake. "I have a score to settle with Orochi!"

" _At last you have come, O descendant of Nagi!_ " Oroshi said, grinning evilly at Susano, who stared back without flinching. Ammy figured all this was somehow Tsuki's doing. He never knew when to give up. " _Now we shall fulfill this burning desire which has consumed us!_ "

"Woah, sounds erotic," Link snickered.

" _Someone eat the elf,_ " Orochi said, without looking back. " _The descendants of Nagi have kept me imprisoned here for 100 years. Yet it is that accursed bloodline which shall unleash my true power. A pact between Nagi's descendant and I, the great Orochi, shall deliver unto me dark powers beyond all comprehension. Let us seal the blood pact for all eternity! Speak the words, 'I wish darkness upon the world'!_ "

"No," said Susano.

" _Wait—WHAT? Did you dare refuse the great me?_ "

"Erm, yeah, I think I just did!" Susano said, pulling out Tsuki and waving him around. "Hear me, vile serpent, I AM SUSANO, THE GREATEST WARRIOR WHO EVER LIVED! I DO NOT SEEK HELP FROM NEITHER GOD NOR DEMON! PREPARE TO FEEL THE WRATH OF MY TRUSTY SWORD!"

" _I'll deal with you later, pest!_ " Orochi snarled. He turned back down to Ammy. " _As soon as I dispose of this foolish god!_ "

Ammy expertly danced around Hi's fire and then poured sake into his mouth when he roared.

"No fair, dammit!" Link whined. "Ammy, I want sake!"

"Oh shut up, you'll get some later," Ammy said.

She got half the heads drunk, which seemed to be sufficient enough, and then ran up the fallen heads to reach the bell at the center. She wasn't sure why Orochi's life force was centered in a bell, but she didn't really have much time to question it. She killed the bell and it burst into flame. Orochi roared in pain and his mountainous body fell back into the earth, destroying the golden barrier around his heads and putting them within rosary bead whip-lashing reach.

"OH SHITZ Ammy, isn't Kushi still in there?" Link cried, pointing at the fire where the bell and the pretty garden used to be.

Luckily Ammy was level-headed in emergencies such as these. She had called in the fire department beforehand, and sure enough, they rushed out of the shadows in their yellow suits and oxygen masks, giving her a thumbs up to show they had the situation under control.

"Meh, she'll be fine," Ammy said, and turned her attention back on the snakes, who were now attempting to whack her out of the way with their heads. When she had disposed of them all, Susano came running to her side.

"The time has come!" he said. "O sacred moon of the heavens, come forth and pierce this darkness!"

He lifted Tsuki to the sky and the clouds magically parted.

"Damn, this is like the only situation where having Yumigami's power is useful," Ammy said. "Tsuki, it's all you."

 _And whose fault do you think that is,_ Tsuki muttered, but he made the moon come out anyway. The light of the moon made him all shiny and golden and made the leaf on his twig turn into a pretty pink flower.

 _Aaaand I'm still lame-looking,_ he scowled.

"Susano style…BLADE OF TRUTH!" Susano shouted, leaping at each of the Orochi heads. Ammy helped cut them down until only Hi was left. He looked around as each of his fellows fell, headless, beside him, then prepared to blast them into smithereens.

"Finish him, Ammy!" Link cried, but Susano stopped them.

"I don't need your help for this one, Fido," he said. "Now, for the ultimate Susano technique, which I have been practicing on trees that never get cut down - which, those things are very convenient, by the way…CELESTIAL CLEAVER!"

He leapt into the air and sliced Orochi's last head clean in half.

"HOLY SHITZ THAT WAS EPIC, POPS!" Link said, his eyes as wide as plates and his mouth nearly hitting the floor.

"Heh, well," Susano said, blushing.

"Susano!" cried Kushi, leaping into his arms. "I knew you could do it! You are so wonderful!"

While Susano and Kushi talked, Ammy was busy settling her bet with Tsuki.

 _Well,_ Tsuki said. _That was certainly an unexpected ending, wasn't it?_

"Well, I already pretty much knew how it'd turn out," Ammy replied. "I mean, I did the same exact thing with Nagi 100 years ago. But who saved the world first? Me or Susano?"

 _I would say Susano for the sake of winning the bet, but to tell the truth you both made your own contributions._ Tsuki sighed.

"So…it's a draw then?"

_Seems like it._

"Well, since it's a draw, how about we trade? My astral pouch for Yumigami's mochi," Ammy said hopefully.

 _No, I want some mochi too. How about we split the mochi and you can keep the astral pouch. Deal?_ said Tsuki.

"I guess," Ammy sighed. "Damn. So in the end, I still get the worse end of the bargain, don't I?"

 _I'm sure you'll find someone out there who wants your astral pouch,_ Tsuki said, smirking.

Just then, a black cloud erupted from Orochi's corpse and spread off into the sky.

"Ew, that looks nasty," Ammy said. "I bet that's some more of Orochi's offspring, like Crimson Helm was."

"Meh, don't worry about that now, Ammy," said Link. "You promised me sake, and I believe there's a festival we have to attend. So let's bust outta here and head over to Kamiki!"

Tama's fireworks burst in the sky above Kamiki, and festival music played in the background. And of course…

"SAKE, AT LAST!" Link was so happy, tears streamed down his cheeks. He hugged a barrel of sake, which was taller than himself, and swapped stories with Awesome Tarou, Kokari's dad, and Mr. Bamboo. He was being very enthusiastic about it, too, jumping up and down and whipping his wand everywhere. Ammy hung out with Hayabusa and Ume and pigged out on delicious turnips. She hadn't had a good turnip in a long time, and frankly she was sick of rabbits after the incident with Yumigami. Mrs. Orange came by and fed her some of her cherry cakes, which tasted almost as good as Yumigami's mochi. All in all, it was a good way to celebrate Orochi's demise, and Ammy and Link partied all throughout the night, blissfully ignorant of the fact that their quest was far from over.


	12. Which is the Intermission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakuya is annoyed. Waka gets hired. An unknown person is very mysterious.

Sakuya the tree sprite was feeling rather miffed. She had been out of the action for some time now, and being the busybody that she is, she was getting restless for some meddling. So when the author of this story announced that it was high time for an intermission and needed a character to foreshadow events and build tension, Sakuya jumped at the job. Unfortunately for Sakuya, however, the job announcement was just a hoax, since the author of this story had already decided beforehand who the characters running this particular intermission would be. As expected, Sakuya was incensed.

"Why bother putting up an announcement if you already have the person?" she huffed. "And do I _ever_ show up after this again? It's boring not being able to boss Amaterasu around."

"Sorry, Sakuya," said the esteemed author of this story, whose voice magically rang down from the heavens. Fortunately Sakuya was used to disembodied voices speaking to her, so she didn't die of shock, although Ammy and Link would have been happy to hear she did. "But I'll let you know if you come up again. Ammy and Link miss having you around, despite anything they say or do otherwise."

Somewhere far away from the conversation, Ammy and Link sneezed.

"Anyway," said the magnanimous author of this story, "you can take these Spamalot tickets as consolation. You probably won't enjoy it because it's far too humorous for your tastes, but the Lady of the Lake reminds me a lot of you. You know, she sings a song about how her role in the plot has virtually disappeared, which pretty much sums up how you feel right now—"

"Please stop talking," snapped Sakuya. "You're annoying. And I don't want anything with spam in it, thank-you-very-much. That stuff is thoroughly disgusting. Plus, it hasn't even been invented yet."

"This is why I didn't give you the job," muttered the author of this story, and went off to find the person she _did_ give the job to, who had a considerably better sense of humor that unfortunately did not stretch towards his sense of fashion.

"At last," said a disembodied voice that was staring through something that looked like a huge floating ball. "At last the time has come. The unseverable bonds between heaven and earth…Waka!"

The familiar pink-clothed figure in the crystal ball tapped his chin with his flute and looked at the speaker, vague amusement on his face.

"The situation has grown urgent," continued the disembodied voice when it was somewhat certain it had captured the prophet's attention. "You must return to the city at once."

" _Tres bien_!" said Waka, who then mused darkly. "Amaterasu, you may have slain Orochi this time, but do not assume it will be so easy next."

The image in the crystal ball faded, leaving the players of the game feeling quite confused about where Waka stands on the good-evil scale and wondering what the hell was in the background of the ball where Waka was standing. Watching the whole scene comfortably from their couches at the game design studio, "They" chuckled evilly. Of course "They" knew everything, and it was quite an enjoyable experience manipulating the players' little brains. In fact, the most esteemed author of this story had been confounded by "Them" when playing through the game the first time, and it soon became her interest as much as Ammy's to have "Them" smited. Except then she realized that "They" were coming out with a new sequel to Okami, and she decided that she liked "Them" after all.

Sulking in her tree at Kamiki, Sakuya huffed. "Authors," she muttered, rolling her eyes. But she didn't have much time to grumble, because it was a festival, after all, and even Sakuya cannot stay uptight when there's sake and fireworks and old men dancing around.


	13. In Which They Head to the Capital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakuya reveals some spoilers. Ammy plays with animals. Link gets hyped.

"Hey Link." Ammy jabbed Link in the back while he was doing an impression of the battle with Crimson Helm. Apparently in his version, he had played a much bigger role than he had in reality (which seemed to involve lots of wand waving and dancing), and of course Awesome Tarou was lapping it all up. Kokari's dad watched politely, and Mr. Bamboo couldn't care less, too preoccupied in his own thoughts.

"Ouch, Ammy, what wazzat for?" Link pouted, rubbing the sore spot where she had poked him.

"The game's not over yet you know," she said. "I still haven't completed my mission."

"Oh, right…" said Link, nodding wisely. "The one where you save Nippon."

"No, the one where I feed all the animals and get the 12th brush power," Ammy corrected. "And I think you've had enough sake for one night."

"Nooooooooooooooooooo," Link said when she tried to drag him away.

"We're going to the city," she said temptingly.

Link pouted. "Yeah, so?"

"There'll be plenty of treasure…and hot babes…"

That was enough to convince him. He sprung up, completely sober. "Alright, Ammy, what're we waiting for? Full speed ahead!"

"Wait, Amaterasu!" cried a voice they only knew too well. Sakuya appeared in a bunch of sparkles just outside Kamiki.

"Are you still going to try and convince me to save Japan?" Ammy asked her irritably.

Sakuya raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Well, pardon my saying so, Amaterasu, but you certainly seem to be in constant need of reminding…"

"No I don't, you just like being bossy," Ammy said.

Sakuya scowled at this. "I do _not_ like being bossy," she said. "Just because I am the only _responsible_ one out of all of us…In any case, Amaterasu, I came to remind you that you must not overlook the Guardian Saplings in other areas of Nippon, because I know you will. Unfortunately I cannot travel great distances from my roots in Kamiki, otherwise you could be sure that I would accompany you and keep you on track for your quest."

Sakuya sighed as she said so, and Ammy and Link exchanged a meaning look expressing their gratitude for the immovability of trees.

"And by quest do you mean _my_ quest, or the quest you _want_ me to complete?" Ammy asked. Sakuya wisely pretended she hadn't heard the question.

"In any case you'll want to visit the capital in Ryoshima Coast beyond the bridge in Taka Pass," she continued. "And I thought I'd remind you, while I'm at it, that you're NOT supposed to know about Rao being possessed by the Kyuubi, or that the Kyuubi is one of Yami's servants/offspring or whatever, and that whenever you two talk about future events I'll be there in spirit to yell at you about it."

"Wow, I actually _didn't_ know that, thanks for the tip-off, Sprite Babe!" Link said, grinning.

"And you said _we_ weren't supposed to know things like that, Sakuya!" Ammy added, in false shock. "I'm surprised!"

"Wha—wha—" Sakuya went red and spluttered angrily at them, who were desperately trying to hold in their laughter. She continued on like that for some time before finally huffing, "Oh, fine you two, be that way! Good riddance!" And then she disappeared in another shower of sparkles.

"Ah, I love annoying Sakuya!" Link said happily as Ammy skipped Agata Forest by traveling through another Mermaid Fountain. They headed down the path to the right, away from Kusa Village, and came to the pretty little area known as City Checkpoint. Straight ahead, they saw a huge bridge known as Big Drawbridge.

"Not very clever at coming up with names, are we?" Ammy said sarcastically.

"Yeah? What would you name it then, Furbrain?" Link asked.

"The Great Wooden Plank that Unites us All," she answered promptly, as if it were the most obvious name for a big drawbridge.

Link sweatdropped. "You've had plenty of time to think about this, haven't you?"

"Oh shut up," Ammy snapped. "You would think up stuff like this too if you were a statue for 100 years."

She talked to Yoichi, who was apparently the greatest archer ever, just like how Susano was the greatest warrior ever. Ammy somehow found it hard to believe that every single character in the game was the greatest at something. She had met someone somewhere who introduced himself as the greatest left-handed, one-legged, middle-aged finger whistler in the world, and figured that great achievements were getting hard to come by these days.

"Look at what my bow can do, poochie!" Yoichi said, and sent an arrow soaring over the water and straight into the mouth of the cannon. Link shivered a bit. He had bad experiences with cannons.

"Pretty good, eh?" said Yoichi. "Now my friends, why not have a bite to eat and relax a bit?" He pulled an apple out of his pocket and tossed it to Ammy. It was good, but not quite as good as a nice, juicy turnip. On a whim, Ammy set fire to Yoichi's arrow just after he sent it soaring into the air. It went into the mouth of the cannon and it exploded, destroying all the buildings and lowering the drawbridge.

"What in the world?" Yoichi cried. "My arrow just burst into flame! And I just remembered I have to resume my guarding job in the city! Farewell, my friends!" He ran off, leaving a trail of apples in his wake.

The only other guard left was the fat one who looked as if he had been Yoichi's practice target before the cannon came along, and he wasn't likely to stop them from crossing the bridge, seeing that he was fast asleep.

Ammy cleaned up the area on the other side of the bridge and made it look pretty. She hated when things were left messy and unorganized. When everything was to her satisfaction, she headed onwards to Ryoshima Coast.

"NOOO—"

"Yeah yeah, your favorite coast in Japan," Link finished for her. "Still, weird that it's still around…even after we defeated Orochi and everything…"

"It's cuz of the Kyuubi, remember," Ammy said in hushed tones so that Sakuya's spirit couldn't hear.

"Oh right!" Link whispered back.

They headed down the path and burst open a crevice in the rock to reveal a bunch of little lakes. Ammy filled all the lakes up with water, and when she reached the highest one the water magically made the adorable baby plant grow into a full-fledged Guardian Sapling, which was good news because if they had set their eyes on the baby plant sooner, they would have died of cuteness.

Ammy bloomed the Sapling and Ryoshima Coast became the Ryoshima Coast she knew and loved, complete with abandoned temple and sunken ship.

"Wait, what the hell?" Link said. "That sunken ship was definitely _not_ there before."

"Meh, I'm sure it's just there for decoration," Ammy said, shrugging. She frolicked down the path and fed all the animals, including a baby boar, a black and white rabbit, and a pink little baby pig Ammy fondly named "The Baron". While playing with "The Baron," she spotted an island and decided to swim towards it, just because. She and Link entered the building and were surprised to find themselves back in the dance studio, only it wasn't the same dance studio as Shinshu Field because the statues in the back looked more like merfolk and were bedecked in stone starfish and anemones. There was hardly anyone there, probably because the studio was on an isolated isle in the middle of the ocean.

"Why hello, wolfie and little elf," Onigiri Sensei said. "How are you doing today?"

"Just peachy, thank you," Link replied.

Onigiri Sensei's eyes bulged, and his head spun around in anger. Crap. They forgot about his aversion to anything fruit-related.

Link jumped on Ammy's back, and Onigiri Sensei chased them around the room with his kendo stick, slicing horizontally so that it was hard to dodge. Instead, Ammy jumped up into the air, twice as high as she normally could have done.

"Phew," said Onigiri Sensei when he was tired of chasing them. "You are quite skilled, wolfie. In fact, I am so impressed that I'll let you join my dance studio. How about it? Normally I do not permit animals, but you are an exceptional case."

"And he's running out of funds," Link muttered to Ammy.

"Maybe later," Ammy said, and they swam back to shore. The capital city was so close, and Ammy felt Link quivering with excitement, singing, "Treasure and babes, treasure and babes!"

"On to the capital, Ammy!" Link cried, and Ammy flew down with her new super-jump technique into the capital city.


	14. In Which Several Items that Appear Useless are Proven Not to Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link's dreams are crushed. Ammy gets inspired. Paper beats wand.

"Wha…" Now it was Link's turn to be crestfallen. While Sei-an city wasn't made into a cursed zone, it was coated in thick, green mist that did not look good for general public health at all.

"NOOOO," Link lamented. "The city…what happened to my beautiful city…hot babes…bathing suits…clubs…"

Ammy wasn't sure what strange fantasies he'd had about the city, but he looked so depressed that she almost felt sorry for him. She went over to the Tool Dealer and bought some useless things because she had loads of money that she wanted to splurge, and thus ended up with Blinding Snow, Marlin Rod, Herbal Medicine, and Charcoal.

"Wow, you bought the most useless things on the market," Link said, but his argument sounded halfhearted. The state of his precious city had taken a huge toll on him.

They headed past city dwellers crawling along the floor in various states of agony and talked to one of the only people who didn't seem to be affected at all by the mist.

"Look at those weaklings," scoffed Naguri, the Greatest Carpenter in the World. "I can't afford to be weakened by something like this. You see that?" Naguri pointed to what looked like a giant stopper in the earth. "That there was caused by the Water Dragon. Made the whole lake plug up, just like that. Now, I can't be sitting around like those bums while there's digging to be done!" he said, as if it was the people's fault they chose to get sick. "Will you help me out, wolf?"

Naguri stared at Ammy and then said, "That looks like a yes to me!"

"What? What if I didn't want to help?" Ammy protested.

"C'mon, Ammy, anything to help the city spring back to life, right?" Link said, pushing her down the digging hole with Naguri. "Get to work then, Furbrain!"

"Damn you, Link," Ammy muttered, but she was getting used to this digging game, and the music was quite worth the effort.

Water flooded back into the city canals, and after a short-lived celebration Ammy and Link headed towards the Aristocratic Quarters. Link had gotten it into his head that Queen Himiko was responsible for the state of the city, and his old fighting spirit returned at the prospect of setting her straight.

They met Benkei, the Greatest Warrior-Monk in the World, and he told them that he was in the middle of earning his 1000th sword.

"I have traveled far and wide challenging master swordsmen," Benkei said imperiously. "And 999 I have claimed by my own hand!"

Ammy wondered if Susano fell into the category of the 999 master swordsmen, but she didn't see Tsuki poking out from the warrior monk's pack.

"By claimed, do you mean stolen?" Link asked suspiciously.

"…ahem, well," said Benkei. "…I prefer the word claimed, you see, it has a better connotation than stolen…ahem…ANYWAY," he went on, "I have yet to claim the last, the 1000th sword, but it would not do to have just any old sword. I must lay claim on the greatest of them all…THE LIVING SWORD! (butofcourseIhavetofishforit)"

"Was that another disclaimer I heard?" Ammy huffed.

"Oh my, you have the rod I seek! I didn't have enough money to pay for it! Give me that rod, Blinding Snow!" Benkei said, taking the rod away from Link.

Ammy helped Benkei fish for this elusive "Living Sword". As usual, it only took three tries for the momba jomba fish to show up, but it took three times as long to reel it in because the stupid Wii remote started acting up like it always did during fishing. But at last, they hurled the fish into the air, revealing a very skinny, very ugly, light blue fish known as the Cutlass Fish. Benkei appeared disappointed.

"Well what did he expect when he went fishing? And for something living, no less?" Ammy said to Link.

"This wasn't what I was expecting," Benkei sighed. "But I suppose I'll make this jigsaw bridge passable again." He sat heavily onto the bridge, which somehow made it rise back up to join its counterpart. Ammy and Link left him staring moodily into the lake and continued up the path to the Aristocratic Quarters, but were quickly interrupted again by the appearance of Waka.

"Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in!" Waka said, grinning lazily. "What took you so long, _ma cherie_?"

"GAH!" said Link. "I thought you had finally died!"

"Sorry to disappoint you, my little bouncing friend," Waka said. "So, _ma cherie_ , I see you still kept the pest with you. You could have left him drinking sake in Kamiki, and none would be the wiser."

Link jumped up and down angrily, bringing Waka's attention back to himself. "We still haven't forgotten what you did to us at the Moon Cave, ya know," he cried. "And why d'ya keep popping up everywhere we go, huh? I knew it, you ARE an evil stalker!"

Waka pretended to be affronted. " _Excusez moi_ , but I have no time to follow you around. You see, I am looking for something—"

"HA! You hear that, Ammy? What a sorry excuse for a prophet, not even knowing where to find his own stuff!"

Ammy noticed that Waka had long since adopted the look of a person with endless patience dealing with someone unfortunately less intellectually gifted than himself whenever he talked to Link. "Well, perhaps 'look' isn't the right word. I already _know_ where it is, it's just…getting there is proving to be a problem. You see, I want it quick and easy."

"SO YOU'RE BEHIND THE FUNKY MIST, YOU HALF-BAKED PROPHET! YOU'RE PLANNING WORLD DOMINATION, AREN'T YOU? YOU'RE IN CAHOOTS WITH QUEEN HIMIKO!"

Waka stared at Link for a while and then turned to Ammy. "Is he like this often, or only with me?" he asked.

"Hm…only with you, really," she admitted.

"I see," he mused, a wicked gleam in his eyes. Ammy suspected that he was having a lot more fun with this than he ever wanted to admit, and her inner fangirl squealed with joy. She was definitely writing a fanfic about this when she got back to the Celestial Plain.

"NO, _ma cherie_ ," Waka said, interrupting her brainwave of new ideas. "You are most definitely NOT writing a gay fanfic starring me and the bug. Perish the thought this instant."

She sighed heavily. Oh well, what Waka didn't know couldn't hurt him…

" _Ma cherie_ , I told you to perish the thought," Waka reminded. "I've known you long enough to recognize that disturbing gleam in your eye. Anyways, where was I? Oh yes. You were only half wrong about the whole world conspiracy, my little bouncing friend. I seek a path to the other world…to the heavens."

"The heavens? What kinda place is that?" Link said. "I bet that's some crazy prophet euphemism for world domination, or something. Why don't you stop beating around the bush and let us know what's on your mind already!"

"That would be no fun, would it?" Waka smirked.

"GRAWGH!" sputtered Link.

"In any case, _ma cherie_ , you should deal with this mist first. It is slowly but surely killing the people of this city. Wait too long and it's _au revoir_! No more night clubs and parties for you."

"DAMMIT, how'd you know about the night clubs?" Link spouted.

"I have a treat for you this time, my little bouncing friend," Waka said, ignoring Link's outburst. "Just a tip instead of a prophecy. Go through the hole in the wall, little ones!"

"What the hell," Link said, after an awkward moment of silence. "I think I preferred your prophecies. At least _those_ made sense."

Waka coughed. "Well, how about I put it this way, then? Even the most solid defense has a tiny gap like the eye of a needle! Oh, you'll find out soon enough, anyway. Go on then, I think it's time for your conference with the priestess. I won't stop you." He winked at them and remained on the bridge instead of disapparating or flying off like he usually did.

They entered the building and met what appeared to be the priestess. She wore a light blue shawl over her hair and had huge red prayer beads around her neck. Probably the most noticeable part of her, though, was her breasts, which were insanely large and jiggled every time she talked, which was immensely distracting. Link was in heaven.

"Holy shitz, Ammy, this sister's STACKED!" he said.

"Erm, excuse me?" Rao said.

"You might want to use your whisper voice, Link," Ammy said.

"Ammy, lemme sit on your back, the view's better up there," Link said, ignoring her.

Ammy rolled her eyes. "Someday you're going to get arrested for molestation, and I'm not going to sympathize."

Rao, oblivious to the entire conversation, went on to talk to Ammy. "My, it's not every day a wolf comes to me for advice," she said. "These are hard times indeed. So what's troubling you, then?"

"Pretty much everything," Link said. "You know, the green mist, the Water Dragon—the usual works."

"The Fox Rods," Rao added, nodding her head wisely.

"Um, no, we don't know anything about the Fox Rods, Busty Babe."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Rao said. "As you can see, the city is in a desperate situation. I believe the Fox Rods will help us, but it appears they were on the ship that the Water Dragon attacked. You have seen the sunken ship on Ryoshima Coast? That's the very one."

"Hey, I'd hate to see you and your two friends looking so sad!" Link said. "Don't worry, Ammy here's a god, she can make miracles happen! Ammy, show Busty Babe some of your divine powers."

Ammy drew a line from the candles to Link's hat.

"AMMY, NOT THE HAT!" he shouted, stamping it out on the ground with his feet. "OUCH OUCH OUCH, HOT HOT HOT!"

"Heh, that's what you get for being a perv," Ammy said.

"What remarkable powers you have, Amaterasu!" Rao said with delight. "Yes, they are just what I need…" _You got that right_ , Ammy thought, thinking of all the perverts Rao could get rid of if only she had access to fire-burning powers. "Oh, but I still cannot do anything without my prayer slips…" She continued muttering to herself, and Ammy interrupted to ask, "What are prayer slips?"

"Just useful slips of paper that have strange drawings on them to ward off evil spirits," Rao answered. "I will need them if we plan on raiding the sunken ship."

"TREASURE?" Link said, holding his hat, which now had smoking holes in it. "If it's treasure, I'm in!"

Ammy dragged Link away to find Rao's prayer slips and promptly brought them back. She wasn't sure how they got near the Emperor's Palace, but she had long since decided not to question the mysterious ways of the universe.

"Alright, to the Moon Turret, Amaterasu!" Rao said. "The tide will only recede when the moon can be seen from the Moon Turret!"

So they headed back out along Ryoshima Coast to the Moon Turret, where they waited silently until nightfall. This was another instance where having Yumigami's power would have been useful, but since Ammy ate Yumigami, they had no choice but to wait.

When at last the moon shone down onto the ship, the tide receded and the trio jumped down to board the sunken ship. Rao threw one of her prayer slips at the barrier and it dissolved. Three ghosts blocked the stairway, but unfortunately Rao only had two more prayer slips left.

"Oh dear, I seem to have run out of prayer slips, Amaterasu," she said.

"Good thing I have my endless supply of infinite paper!" Ammy replied, and Rao took some to chuck at the last ghost.

Link scoffed. "Wow, it actually came in handy."

"It's better than you and your wand," Ammy retorted. "Name one thing your wand can do that me and my items can't!"

"It can raise wind!" Link cried.

"Galestorm."

"It can transport me places in a giant cyclone!"

"Mermaid Coins."

"Well…Well…" sputtered Link, who was having trouble casting about for counterarguments. "It can…It can…It can turn night into day!"

Ammy yawned. "Old news," she said, and to prove her point she made the sun come out and water flooded the ship again.

Ammy grinned wolfishly at Link, who was thoroughly defeated. "I just won the useless item contest!" she sang. A scoreboard scrolled down the screen, reading: PAPER: 1. WAND: 0.

"You'll see, my wand'll do something amazingly useful that you can't do, and then you'll be sorry!" Link retorted lamely, trying to salvage some of his pride.

"How about summoning some sake to start?" Ammy suggested innocently. "I know how tragic it is for you to have your pride broken."

"Oh shut up," he snapped sourly. "I'm an conductor, not a wizard."

They traveled into a new chamber where a strange and creepy green hand tried to squish them. Ammy rolled the barrel across the water, but she fell in a couple times and she freaked out because a creepy green face slid under her like it was going to eat her or something. The barrel hooked onto the other side, and they hopped up back to the room where the sky showed through and waited for nightfall once more. The water receded again, and Ammy and the gang continued on through the room with the creepy face. She was about to creep around it when she noticed a spiky barrel and got a nasty idea.

"Ammy…" Link sighed. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Mwahaha, die, sucker," Ammy chuckled darkly as she rolled the spiky barrel over the monster's face. It was very satisfying.

"Does she do this often?" Rao asked Link in a disturbed sort of whisper.

When Ammy was finished tormenting the monster, they headed back to the room with the cannon, where, much to Link's immense relief and Ammy's disappointment, she had to use cherry bombs to blast holes in the wall. Ammy found the exorcising arrow and went down the hallway where Rao threw another piece of paper at the barrier. They opened the chest in the middle of the room, Rao nearly exploding with anticipation. But instead of the Fox Rods, they found something much more useless.

"Is that a mushroom?" Link said.

"Nice," said Ammy. "A giant mushroom that bounces."

Which was pretty much what it did.

Of course, Rao had to ruin Ammy's excitement. "It's the Lucky Mallet," she said, clearly disappointed. "It shrinks people."

"I'll add it to my useless item collection, then," Ammy said, and they left the ship. The Water Dragon chased them to shore, scaring Rao off, much to Link's chagrin (since both of them had to ride on Ammy's back together, and that was the closest Link had ever been to a babe in this lifetime). Suddenly the mushroom mallet popped out of their grasp and started bounding away.

"Hey! No treasure escapes me like that!" Link cried indignantly. "After it, Ammy!"

Ammy chased it all the way to the Emperor's Palace, where she cornered it by a little hole in the wall where the ugly green mist poured out.

"HA! We've got you cornered now, you mushroom!" Link said, advancing on the mallet with his wand drawn. "I'm gonna sell you to some greedy merchant, and…and…"

Apparently, the mallet did not appreciate being threatened, since it whacked him on the head and sent him flying through the hole in the wall. The mallet turned on Ammy next. She gulped.

"Hey, I wasn't the one who said anything…" she began, but the mallet said in a mushy sort of voice, "Yeah, but he's useless by himself."

"Good point," said Ammy, and the mallet gently tapped her on the head, making her shrink to the size of a dust mote and sending her through the hole in the wall after Link.


	15. In Which a Number of People Have it Out for Link

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy gains the power of the Matrix. Link commits a crime. Another babe is rescued.

Ammy was surprised to see that Link wasn't there. Most likely he ran away to vent his anger on some poor mushroom by stabbing it with his wand. Or maybe he freaked out at being made small again, after all those surgeries he put himself through to turn himself into a (somewhat) normal sized boy. Ammy felt strangely lonely without him there. Now who would she tease and argue and swap smart-ass comments that annoyed Sakuya with?

While she was lost in her thoughts, something stalked up behind her and leaped onto her back with a triumphant, "HA!"

"GRAWGH!" Ammy shouted, flinging the hitchhiker off her back bucking bronco style. Whatever it was landed in the forest of grass.

"Tee hee hee, I got ya good, didn't I?" Link said, coming out of the grass and grinning maniacally.

Ammy scowled. "Dammit Link, you're so annoying, I don't know why I missed you at all."

"Tee hee hee," Link said, spinning around dazedly. "That was funny, Ammy. The look on your face! Priceless!"

"…That hit with the mallet knocked a few screws loose, didn't it?" Ammy said wryly.

"Tee hee," said Link, still spinning.

"…Whatever," Ammy muttered, and threw Link onto her back.

"Ammy look, Ammy look, a spider," Link grinned, acting like a child who had accidentally gotten hold of some liquor. "I wonder if it'll squish us, hee hee."

They passed a jail cell where they heard a girl crying, then came to an area of the Emperor's garden with a lot of guards stamping their feet and sweeping.

"Geez, it's like they don't have anything better to do then try and step on me and sweep EXACTLY WHERE I'M FREAKING STANDING!" Ammy glared up at the guard who was sweeping, wondering if he even knew she was in that exact spot and if he knew that when she got the 12th brush power, her first stop on the way back to Kamiki would be here.

"Hee hee, Ammy, Ammy, do you know what they're wearing? They're wearing THONGS!" Link said, pointing at the guard's sandals and giggling madly. "Tee hee, THONGS, get it? OMIGOD!" he cried, looking up as Ammy ran underneath a random guy trying to step on her. "AMMY, THEY'RE ACTUALLY WEARING THONGS!"

Link was being so annoying, she threw him at a wall.

"Ugh," he said. "What the hell was that for, Furbrain?"

"Good to have you back, dumbass," she replied, and picked up the exorcising arrow that fell down next to him.

She followed the path back to the demon lock, which she had spotted near where they had entered the garden, but Link stopped to chat with the girl in the dungeon, who had turned to face them.

"Hey, are you the girl we heard crying before?" he asked. "Cuz it sounded kinda fake if you ask me. You're not some no-good demon, are you?"

"Hm? Oh! No, or at least, I don't think so," the girl said, sounding slightly puzzled. "I came here to sell some of my grandfather's bamboo ware. But then the Emperor suddenly had me arrested, and I have no idea why." She seemed to consider something for a moment. "But-But if I were a demon, he'd have plenty of excuse to lock me in a cell!" she went on, flailing with distress.

"I'm sure you're not a demon," Link said reassuringly. "But you said your gramps sells bamboo? Would he be that Mr. Bamboo from Kusa Village?"

"You know my grandfather?" the girl said, surprised. Then she leaned forward, narrowing her eyes at them. "You two aren't demons, are you?"

"NO ONE HERE'S A DEMON!" Link said exasperatedly.

"Oh, good," the girl said. "My grandfather always told me not to tell my name to strangers, but since you guys aren't demons I guess it's okay. I'm Kaguya. But I'm afraid that's all I can tell you about myself. I don't know who I really am or where I came from." Kaguya lowered her hands from her face and looked into the distance dramatically.

"Another babe," Link sighed, drooling. "Man, Ammy, you're so lucky. Your country's full of babes!"

"Is this conversation with Kaguya of any importance in the plot?" Ammy said. "Because I kind of want to get going. I hate being small."

"Alright, alright, I'll wrap this thing up," Link said. "Hey Kaguya, don't worry about the whole 'being-locked-up' thing. We'll get ya outta there, even if it means threatening the Emperor himself!"

"That seems a little extreme," Kaguya said. "But I appreciate the thought. Be careful, though. I am convinced the Emperor is a demon!"

"She thinks everyone is a demon, doesn't she?" Ammy said to Link when they headed down the path behind the demon lock.

"Maybe we ARE," Link replied in his mystical philosopher voice.

They dropped down a hole and came to what Link referred to as the Emperor's secret treasure hoard, although how he knew there was treasure in here, Ammy had no idea. There were lots of spiders moving up and down and side to side, which he also pointed out to Ammy. She jumped on the spiders' backs as they moved, and came to the very highest platform, where she dug up a clover.

"So…where's the treasure?" Ammy asked, looking around.

"Oh, it's down there." Link pointed at the very bottom, directly underneath where they had started.

"So I did all this for nothing," Ammy said.

"Yeah, pretty much," said Link.

Ammy wanted to bite his head off. But instead, because she is a god and above such things as anger, she threw him off the ledge.

Ammy opened the way to the Emperor's secret storage room by blowing a hole through the wall, while Link jumped up and down with excitement. When they entered, however, he was sorely disappointed.

"A flask?" he said. "Is that it? What about gold? And jewels? And Busty Babe's panties?"

"Gross!" Ammy said, making a face. "Is _that_ what you consider treasure?"

She cut the flask down onto Link's head, and a silvery mist eked out of it. Then, since they couldn't go anywhere else, they jumped into the flask. On a whim, Ammy blew some of the mist out, and she and Link, being the size of dust motes, flew out as well.

"Whew!" said Link. "Now I can kind of see why the Emperor hid this flask away. That mist is comforting stuff!"

All of a sudden, a constellation appeared in the middle of the room, and by this time Ammy was convinced that these constellations were seriously impaired. She understood (but was annoyed) if a constellation came out in the middle of the day, but where there wasn't even sky… _that_ was drawing the line.

Kasugami staggered into view, dead drunk as always. "Amaterasu, origin of all that is good and mother to us all, blah blah blah…take my power of mist and sparkle over all creation like a fleeting dew!"

"What the hell does _that_ mean?" Link muttered.

"It means that I now have Matrix power…BABY!" Ammy said, using her Matrix power to slow down all the spiders and brooms that swept in her way, finally making it all the way up to the planks above the Emperor's bedroom. The Emperor's face was the blue color of dead people and he breathed green mist, which Ammy didn't think was good for his health at all.

"Alright, Ammy, you know what we say, right?"

" _I_ don't say it," Ammy retorted, " _you_ do. And I am _not_ jumping into his mouth. I know I've done a lot of things, but I draw the line at fighting in people's intestines."

"Good, cuz we're going to his stomach," Link said, and pushed her. "Down you goooo!"

"DAMMIT LINK I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Ammy shrieked on her way down into the Emperor's mouth. She slipped all the way down to his stomach, which was flat and surprisingly contained no hydrochloric acid to melt her bones, which she supposed was a good thing for her. There was a nasty, rusty-looking sword jammed into the Emperor's stomach tissue, which would probably give him tetanus considering tetanus shots weren't invented yet.

The green mist swirled and condensed into an empty coat of samurai armor with a ton of swords stabbed into the back. The figure lifted the rusty blue sword out of the Emperor's stomach tissue and began unraveling its evil monologue for their benefit.

"Under my control, this body breathes green mist over the city," Blight said. "And you, mutt…you dare attempt to clear the skies of my poison? I will not have it! And neither will Goldnail, who, by the way, is the source of my life energy, in case you were wondering about how to kill me."

"Oh. Well that's good to know," Ammy said, and the battle began.

Ammy was very excessive on the use of her new Matrix power, so the battle was quite easy. When Goldnail, and thus, Blight, was defeated, the mist disappeared from the Emperor's body, and they heard him snoring deeply.

"Well, Ammy, we could walk out and leave now, or," Link grinned evilly, "we could have a little fun with the Emperor. How's about it?" He jumped up and down, which somehow made the Emperor stand up, even though he was still asleep. By bouncing hard against the wall of the Emperor's stomach, Link managed to move the Emperor forward. Ammy stayed out of the whole business and let Link do all the work, since this _was_ the Emperor after all, and she was pretty sure there were some strict laws about taking advantage of the Emperor's body.

The Emperor, with Link in charge, jerked down the path to Kaguya's cell and busted her open.

"See, I told ya we'd get you out, no matter what happened!" Link said.

"I'm pretty sure there's a law about taking over the Emperor's body…" Kaguya said.

"Meh, this big oaf won't remember any of it," Link said dismissively. "But you better get going, pretty blonde babe. We wouldn't want you to get captured again!"

"Alright…" Kaguya said, still worried. "Well, good luck. And thank you."

She left, and Link made the Emperor sneeze, which brought them out of his body. And apparently the impact with the ground miraculously made them normal sized again.

"Emperor!" cried the guards with the brooms who were so annoying when Ammy was dust mote sized. "Emperor, what were you doing out of bed?"

"Oh my," the Emperor said, gripping his head. "I think I was being controlled…yes, by something green…" The Emperor and the two guards looked over and spotted Link. "Yes, that's him! Arrest him for defiling my body, which is against the law!"

"Told you," Ammy smirked as the guards chased Link out of the palace.

The Emperor was very nice to her, on the other hand, and even sold her special treasures for demon fangs, which she unfortunately didn't have a large supply of. She became determined to get some more and come back later.

"Goodbye, my lucky doggie!" the Emperor called. She found she had a sort of soft spot for him. He was one of those cute bumbling types that everyone adores, even if they are a bit strange.

"GYAA SAVE ME AMMY THEY'RE GONNA CUT OFF MY HEAD!" Link cried, running back towards her. She sighed and threw him on her back and then sprinted out of the Aristocratic Quarters, slowing time on her way out so that the guards chasing Link couldn't catch up.


	16. Which is Probably the Most Fun (and Pointless) Chapter Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link parties it up. Ammy gathers more fanfic content. Some men run really fast.

"Well, Link, now that you're an escaped convict, being in the city will be a lot more difficult for the both of us. Good job," Ammy panted irritably when they arrived safely in the Commoner's Quarters, only to find that Wanted posters of Link's face were posted everywhere.

"Good thing I found this mask," Link said, whipping out a silver eye mask, like the ones people wear on Mardi Gras. He put it on his face. "There," he said. "No one'll recognize me now."

And amazingly enough, they didn't. Then again, no one recognized Ammy when she put a piece of paper over her face, so why should this be any different?

"Yes. Now I can partay!" Link said, striking a pose.

Ammy wanted to leave Sei-An City and continue her quest for the 12th brush technique by finding Kaguya (who they happened to bump into outside the Emperor's Palace, and, after a short conversation, discovered that she was going to Sasa Sanctuary to uncover the mystery behind her past), but Link's enthusiasm for the newly restored city was hard to control, and besides, she figured they could afford a break every now and then. Plus, the city was a treasure trove of side plots just waiting to be completed, and Ammy hated leaving things undone. Thus the start of an entirely pointless, but undoubtedly fun, quest.

First things first, Ammy had to deal with the trees. Especially the ugly ones surrounded in purple smoke. But first she had to bloom every other tree in the city, which was no small feat. She managed to find most of them, but then resorted to looking the last two up on an online Okami walkthrough and bloomed the one on the old man's head and then the one in his house. Finally, she talked to Mr. Flower, the resident horticulturist with the tree on his head, and he said, "At last, all the trees are in bloom! Now I can perform my Gura Shuffle!"

Epic flower dancing music, which sounded suspiciously close to the epic digging music, played in the background while Ammy and Link raced after the old man to bloom the ugly purple-smoke trees.

"OH SHITZ, Ammy, he just jumped the canal! Did you SEE that?" Link cried.

"What the hell!" Ammy said. "How am I supposed to find him now?"

Since she hated getting her paws wet and drawing lily pads, Ammy ran as fast as she could around the walkways to catch up with the old man, who was just finishing up his dance that cleared the evil purple smoke away. Ammy bloomed the tree.

"That's one down!" Link said, and they ran on another wild goose chase after this old man with the superhuman ability of jumping across canals and over walls.

"Whew!" Ammy said, when they were finished. "I'd say that was worth the trouble. Now look how pretty the city looks!"

"Yeah," Link said, lying on his back and looking up at the sky. "But it still disturbs me that even the city tree sprites seem to have a thing for old men. I thought it was just Sakuya."

Nearby was a little girl who was sitting on the ground, contemplating the sidewalk.

"Hey, what's up, little girl?" Link asked.

"Oh, an elf and a little doggie!" the little girl said. "I was just thinking about what I would draw if I had some Charcoal. I ran out, and I don't have money to buy some more."

"Good thing I bought this Charcoal beforehand, right?" Ammy said, and generously donated her Charcoal to the little girl.

"Yay! Now I can draw more beautiful pictures!" the little girl said. "I'm not just any ordinary kid, you know. I'm a fashion whiz! I always know what design will be the next big hit!"

Ammy read the girl's thoughts, because she's a god and can do those types of things. The little girl was thinking of a star.

"Cool, I guess," Ammy said, and they moved on to the other end of town, where they entered a shop with very flat, very strangely colored kimonos. In the back room was a very fat man wearing an ugly pukerish-yellow colored kimono.

""Hmm, this is a puzzle," the fat man who was introduced as Mr. Chic said. "I'm getting tired of the same old colors, and I need an exciting new design for my kimonos!"

"I'll say," Ammy muttered, staring at the giant rainbow kimono on the wall.

"But it's not as easy as I'd hoped," Mr. Chic went on, ignoring her. "I'm so at loss, I'm tempted to even ask you for help, doggie. Can you help me come up with a design that could catch on across the city? Something marvelous and fashionable?"

"Sure, I guess," Ammy said, and drew a star. It was the first thing that came to mind, since she had just recently visited the fashion whiz girl.

"Oh my heavens!" Mr. Chic cried. "That pattern almost seems as if it could make something happen!"

They left Mr. Chic fawning over his new design and talked to Momotarou.

"OMIGOD IT'S MOMOTAROU!" Link exclaimed. "Like, _the_ Momotarou? The Momotarou of legend?"

"Link, chill," Ammy said. "Of course it's not _the_ Momotarou. Have you forgotten? Clover twists all these legends around. If this was _the_ Momotarou, we wouldn't have to go to Oni Island to defeat the Kyuubi because he would've defeated it already."

"Oh. Damn," Link sighed.

"I don't know what you're talking about, elf," the little boy named Momotarou said. "But I lost my Millet Dumplings, so I can't give you any. You can still be my little followers, though."

"I'll pass," Ammy said, and went into the next house, where a girl named Blossom was fretting over the health of her father.

"Even though the mist has disappeared, my father still lies sick in bed!" she bemoaned. "If only I had Herbal Medicine…They sell some nearby, but it's too expensive for me! How frustrating!"

"Hey, good thing I bought that too!" Ammy said, and gave her the Herbal Medicine.

"I don't believe it!" Blossom said. "How can a dog have something so expensive? Oh well. Thank you so much, doggie! I'll give it to my father right away!"

Ammy followed Blossom inside and watched as her father woke up. He still wouldn't get out of bed, though, so Ammy took the liberty of headbutting him.

"HUH?" Blossom's Papa said. "How could you do that to a sick old man? WAIT! That smell…the cherry trees of Sei-An must be in full bloom! Time to eat, drink, and be merry! O happy day!" He ran outside, skipping and dancing as if he had never been sick before, even though his skin was still blue, which couldn't be a healthy color for anyone except Navi, until Ammy and Link talked to Blossom and found out that her father did indeed Navi-ify himself because he was such a fan of Avatar.

Ammy and Link then spent the rest of the day chatting with the town residents and discovered that most of them had objects stolen from them, and were quite disgruntled. The other half of the population were standing at the boating docks, but the ferry was out, so instead they complained to Ammy and strongly hinted that she should use a brush technique to help them to their destination.

"Why don't you just walk?" was Ammy's answer, since there was no way in hell she was drawing a bunch of lily pads and maneuvering them through the canals using wind. It was too much of a hassle, and besides, it didn't even give her anything good.

They talked to the charcoal girl again, who had another design for them to try out at Mr. Chic's. They ran back and forth until Ammy had to draw the last one, which was "ten", the kanji for heaven. The Wii remote was once again being it's amazingly irritating self and messing up the drawing, turning what should have been an easy task into something immensely painful.

"Why don't you just quit?" Link said through a muffled yawn, after about the 100th try.

"Because I'm getting this stray bead, dammit!" Ammy replied, gritting her teeth in concentration. At last, Mr. Chic deemed her attempt worthy of his praise, and the stray bead was earned. There was much rejoicing.

At nighttime, Link went to the restaurant to drink some sake and hit on city babes, while Ammy remained outside, idly lighting the city torches. She talked to a guard, who told her about the thief, Hayazo, who usually hid himself in a rock. Intrigued, Ammy cut open a rock and Hayazo popped out.

"So you found me, pal!" the thief said gleefully. "Not bad, not bad at all. The name's Hayazo, master of thieves! But can you catch me, is the question. First one, then two! Get 'em in order! I split apart and take off in a cloud of dust!"

Hayazo split into two, each with a different color for water, fire, or power slash. Ammy lost to him the first time. He ran fast, plus he cheated by jumping over walls and canals like Mr. Flower did.

"Hee hee, nice try, pal!" Hayazo said, fusing together into one person again. "But I told you, you can't beat me!"

"We'll see about that! One more try!" Ammy challenged, and the race began again. This time though, Ammy hit each of his selves in order with the correct technique and earned the Glass Watch.

"Another try!" she said, becoming addicted. Each time, Hayazo split into more people, and it became increasingly harder. By the time morning arrived, however, Ammy had won the Glass Watch, the Millet Dumplings, and the Chrysanthemum Hairpin.

"You're pretty good, pal," Hayazo said. "Time for me to retreat. I'll have some more treasures later tonight, hee hee!"

"Stealing is bad," Ammy called after him, but it was only halfhearted, because if he stole more stuff, they would play again, and it was pretty fun. She gave the Glass Watch to Samurai Dandy, the Millet Dumplings to Momotarou, and the Chrysanthemum Hairpin to some random dude who wanted to give it to his girlfriend. She dragged Link out of the restaurant.

"Ouch, be more gentle, Ammy," he moaned, gripping his head. "I've got an elephant pounding down the door to my brain, trying to get out of my forehead."

"That's your fault for drinking so much," Ammy said apathetically, and headed off to the only place left they had to patch up, which was a small, dried out pond in the corner of the city. Ammy filled it with water and was surprised to find a fountain there. She made the fountain spurt out, and it brought them all the way high up into the sky, where there was a strange floating structure.

"Why, if it isn't Amaterasu!" said the guard standing outside the door.

"Uh, Ammy, do you know this guy?" Link whispered.

"No," Ammy said.

The guard ignored them and kept talking. "Captain Waka said you'd probably be coming here!" he said.

"Whoa whoa whoa wait, that fruitcake's a CAPTAIN?" Link gawked.

"Why yes," said the guard, whose name was Kamo, according to the name tag on his uniform. "We work under Captain Waka, and he reports directly to Queen Himiko. We're the Tao Master Special Investigation Troop, but you can call us the Tao Troopers for short!"

"I HAVE AN IMPORTANT QUESTION," Ammy said, raising her paw. "Are stilettos part of the uniform? And where can I get them? Waka never told me."

"Oh, well, um, that's classified information," Kamo said uncomfortably. "But anyway, you can go inside and explore. I'm afraid Captain Waka is out on a top secret special mission right now, but he told me to tell you to make yourselves at home."

"Hmph, I bet it's a trap," Link grumbled.

"Whateves," said Ammy.

Inside the building were strange machines that kind of looked like computers and a bunch of statues of angels along the walls. Ammy was slightly annoyed that there were no statues of her, but then again she didn't want there to be a statue unless she _was_ the statue, so it was just as well.

Standing inside was a guard who looked distraught. His name was Abe, according to the nametag.

"Oh…How could I have lost my Tao mask right after I joined the Troopers?" he moaned. "What would Captain Waka say about this? I'll be the shame of the guard! The laughingstock for all eternity! Even worse, I'll be expelled from the Tao Troopers forever and Captain Waka will hate me!"

He sighed and finally noticed them. "Hey, wait, isn't that my mask?" he said, pointing at Link.

"Uhhh…" Link said, but Abe snatched it away with a delighted expression and put it on his face. Apparently he hadn't been down to the city for a while, since he didn't recognize Link from the Wanted posters.

"Wow, thanks for finding this. Now I won't be dismissed! You see, I'm Captain Waka's number one admirer." He blushed a little at this. "I know everything there is to know about him. Even," he lowered his voice, "Captain Waka's biggest secret! Since you helped me find my mask, I'll tell it to you. You see, I was sorting files one day and I actually read them and I found out that even though the Tao Troopers have been around for more than 200 years, there has never been a captain other than Captain Waka! Which means he must be over 200 years old!"

Ammy snorted. "Tell me something I _don't_ know."

"Oh, you already knew that?" Abe said, sounding a little put out. "Well then, how about this?" Abe bent down and whispered, "Captain Waka's ears are his sensitive spot."

"EEEHH? No way!" Ammy squealed.

"Yes way," Abe said, smug now that he could impart a secret that no one else knew about his beloved captain.

"How do you know something like that?" Ammy asked.

"Umm…that's classified information," Abe replied, turning red.

Ammy chuckled knowingly. She decided to change her fanfic pairing from Link and Waka to Waka and Abe, because Abe is too adorable.

"Bye, Amaterasu!" Abe called when they turned to leave. "Come back anytime you want!"

"Oh, believe me, I will," Ammy grinned, thinking of all the good material she could gather for her gay fanfics.

Link sweatdropped. "I can almost sympathize with the prophet now," he muttered.

Ammy jumped off the floating building and landed safely at the entrance to the city. Unfortunately, Samurai Dandy spotted Link and set off an alarm, so they hightailed it out of Sei-An in time to resume their real quest, albeit a little reluctantly.


	17. In Which the Quest is Resumed (Or is It?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link cries a lot. Ammy digs up a mech. Kaguya is briefly relevant.

Ammy and Link stared down the long road along Ryoshima Coast, imaging the length of road beyond it from the City Checkpoint to Taka Pass and finally Sasa Sanctuary.

"Screw that shit," Link said, and Ammy wholeheartedly concurred. With that unanimous agreement settled, they turned right to find the Mermaid Fountain and popped up inside the bath house at Sasa Sanctuary.

Ammy briefly said hi to the masochistic sparrow who was still dancing his hot spring hop with his flaming drumsticks, and ran up the steps to the bamboo grove where she found Kaugya and Mr. Bamboo in the middle of a tearful family reunion.

"Oh Kaguya…is that really you?" Mr. Bamboo cried. "I never thought I'd see you again after the Emperor took you away to Sei-An City! The gods be praised!"

"Oh Grandfather…" Kaguya choked. "I feel as though we haven't seen each other in ages. Look at your wrinkles! Have I worried you so much?" She fretted about being the cause for his wrinkles and apologized excessively. Neither of them took any notice of the wolf and the elf watching awkwardly on the sidelines.

From someplace a little behind her, Ammy heard a choking noise. She turned around, and Link was standing there dabbing a handkerchief to his face.

"Link, are you _crying_?" Ammy asked incredulously.

"I-I just love family reunions," he answered, his voice hoarse with emotion. "Don't judge."

"Oh Kaguya!" Mr. Bamboo went on. "Let us live happily together, forever and ever! We can sell our bamboo ware, you and me, just like old times!"

"Oh. Well…" Kaguya turned away.

"Why don't you sound happier about it, Bamboo Girl?" Link cried out, sniffling.

"I-I'm afraid I cannot live with you, Grandfather," she said distressfully.

"What?" Mr. Bamboo said. "You-You're not eloping or running away from something, are you? You haven't possessed the Emperor's body, have you? Because that's against the law! Wait, you're not a demon are you? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY KAGUYAAAAA?"

"Grandfather, I _am_ Kaguya!" she protested. She sighed, talking to herself. "Oh, I knew it would have been better if we did not meet before I departed…"

"But you can't leave!" Link choked, nearly sobbing into his tissue.

"Link, you need to stop watching soap operas. I think they've done horrible things to your brain," said Ammy, playing the voice of reason, as usual.

Mr. Bamboo calmed down a little at hearing Kaguya's words. "Depart? But…but where are you going?"

"I do not know," Kaguya replied. "All I know is that this royal crest carved into the earth calls to me. I must find the secret of my past!"

The earth responded to the call of her heart and opened up a hole.

"Dammit, this is looking like another digging game," Ammy said.

"Kaguya, what are you doing?" Mr. Bamboo said with distress.

"I'm not doing this Grandfather," she said, sounding more clear-minded and mature than she ever had before. "It's as if an invisible force is guiding me."

"A DEMON?" Mr. Bamboo cried.

"Well…it may be…" Kaguya said. "But I am old enough to deal with demons now, Grandfather. Please believe me. I must find out the truth about my past, and I am sure it lies somewhere at the bottom of this hole!"

Kaguya jumped into the hole, and Mr. Bamboo lamented. Link wailed into his tissue, which was increasingly becoming useless and sopping wet. Ammy sighed heavily.

"No one else is going after her, are they?" she asked the group, but they were too busy making a crescendo of wails to pay her any attention. She sighed. "Dammit, why am I the only one who does anything around here?"

She jumped after Kaguya, and another digging game commenced, except this time, instead of water, she dug up an insanely huge, insanely epic metal bamboo thing. Mr. Bamboo looked at it and became suddenly sad.

"Kaguya," he said seriously. "You know how everyone has a dirty secret?"

"Not really," Kaguya said.

"OH, I KNOW!" Link called from the distance. "Every soap opera has one! It's just not complete without a dirty secret!"

"Yes," went on Mr. Bamboo. "Well, mine is that I knew this was here. See, a long time ago I was cutting some bamboo here and suddenly this bamboo shoot appeared before my eyes! Your cold and nearly lifeless body came tumbling out, and me and my dearly departed wife (maysherestinpeace) nursed you to health. We loved you like our own child. But we were afraid this day would come. So we buried the bamboo shoot in the ground. I am sorry we kept it from you all these years, Kaguya. But don't go! Please don't go!"

At this, Ammy heard Link let loose a sob.

"Oh Grandfather!" Kaguya said, and, too overcome with emotion, choked and hugged Mr. Bamboo. Link wailed.

"I have always thought of you and dearly departed Grandmother (maysherestinpeace) as my real family!" she said. "Though I may leave, my heart stays with you. But I must go! I hope you understand."

"…I understand," Mr. Bamboo said. "Although, when you land, remember one thing. Remember that you are my precious grandchild. Never forget that! And don't talk to strangers!"

"Oh Grandfather!" Kaguya cried, and they embraced one more time. When they were done she turned to Ammy and Link.

"Amaterasu and elf, I am forever indebted to you. Please take this Fire tablet as a token of my appreciation. I do not know what it does, or why I have it, but I hope it will be useful. Once again, thank you, you two!"

She waved them all goodbye and blasted off in her giant metal bamboo spaceship.

"Ah," Link said, wiping the last tears from his eyes. "That was emotional. I'm a sucker for those emotional things, you know?"

"Not really," said Ammy.

"Hey cool, looks like we added another item to the useless item collection. Can I keep this one this time? It's not fair that you get all the items."

"Nope, Kaguya gave it to me specifically," Ammy said. "Too bad for you."

"Damn," said Link. "Oh well. Wait, did I miss something? I feel like that whole scene wasn't properly explained at all. I mean, we never see Bamboo Girl again after this, right? So like, what happened to her? Where is she from? Why did we have to come here in the first place if no one freaking bothers to explain these questions to me? AND WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF THIS FIRE THINGY? YOU ONLY USE IT FREAKING ONCE!"

"Yeah, now that you mention it, I feel cheated," Ammy said. " 'They' must be messing with our minds again, dammit."

"Speaking about messing with minds, we've gotta smack some sense into that Queen lady," Link muttered. "Now that I've been completely unsatisfied with that part of the quest, I feel like I have to beat someone up."

"Steal some undies while you're at it," Ammy suggested. "I mean, you're already a wanted convict. Might as well."

Link's eyes got a mischievous glint.

"I hope you know I was kidding," Ammy said, now wishing she hadn't suggested anything, no matter how sarcastic it was supposed to be.

"Meheheheh…" Link chuckled darkly.

"No more sidequests," Ammy demanded. "We're so close to the smiting power that I refuse to be distracted by anything else."

"Not even panties?"

"Why the hell do I give a care about panties under normal circumstances?"

"Okay, fine," Link sighed. "I'll sacrifice my panties for the sake of you quest. But _after_ that…"

"You're still not stealing panties," Ammy finished for him. "It's wrong and evil on so many levels, it's not even funny."

"Oh fine," Link said crossly. "At least I have Busty Babe for a while, heheheh."

Ammy Mermaid Fountained herself out of Sasa Sanctuary and back to Ryoshima Coast, hoping that this time her conversation with Queen Himiko would be more enlightening and prove more developmental to the plot.


	18. Which is Considerably More Enlightening than Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakuya hears a spoiler. Link has an abrupt change of heart. Ammy meets a kindred spirit.

By the time they returned to Sei-An City, it appeared people had already forgotten about Link being a wanted man, which was nice. Even so, the guards standing outside Queen Himiko's palace still wouldn't let them pass.

"C'mon, we're on a tight schedule here!" Link said, trying (and failing) to reason with the guards.

The guards just stood straighter and sniffed, acting like they were something important. "Our priorities do not require us to hold any consideration for your 'schedules'," they said.

"Which basically means you don't care," Ammy simplified, but either they didn't hear her or they were above such things as listening to wolves. "Dammit, no respect," Amy muttered. She tried to power slash them both, using a new technique she dubbed the "Double Slash," but instead of double slashing as intended, it covered the world in a slow, purple mist.

"What the hell? Oh yeah, that's how I do the strokes for my matrix power," Ammy said, and jumped deftly over the snobbish guards while they were confused. She and Link ran up the steps of the palace and took the elevator up to Himiko's quarters, where they were greeted by a giant pit of lava.

"Very welcoming, isn't she?" Link said wryly. Ammy equipped her one-time-use-only fire tablet and swam through the melting lake of boiling rock. She then proceeded to run past a bunch of curtains and doors, whose purpose she couldn't understand except that perhaps Queen Himiko was agoraphobic and preferred many small rooms over one long corridor. Her theory was disproven, however, as soon as she entered the throne room, which was insanely ginormous despite being cut in half by a thin paper curtain.

"Hey Ammy, I bet that's Queen Himiko!" Link said, pointing at a silhouette with a giant floating ball over its head.

"No shit it's Queen Himiko, who else would it be?" Ammy replied.

"I dunno, the Kyuubi, maybe?" Link shrugged. All of a sudden a giant vine grew out of the wood and whacked him over the head, only to promptly disappear in a shower of sparkles and cherry blossoms.

"Ouch! Dammit, I forgot about Sakuya!" he cried, scowling and rubbing his head.

The silhouette turned slightly over the shoulder, ignoring Link and immediately addressing Ammy, which she greatly appreciated. So far, no one else in all of Nippon seemed to respect white wolves. That's because Nippon was a stupid name.

"Benevolent Amaterasu…" the silhouette said. "I have been waiting for you ever since I foresaw your arrival in my palace. I am sorry you had to go so far out of your way to acquire the tablet necessary to resume your quest. You see, I am expecting the Kyuubi to invade my sanctuary and kill me, which would be perfectly fine except I cannot die until I have located the exact coordinates of Oni Island."

Link, despite his prejudice towards Queen Himiko, was awed by the fact that she had blatantly told the future and Sakuya did not smack her over the head for it.

"Hey hey hey, wait a sec, you're going too fast, queen-lady," he said, shaking his head to gather his thoughts. "And anyway, you're the whole reason for this mess, aren't you! You knew about the Water Dragon and the funky mist and you're in cahoots with the prophet—GASP!" A sudden thought had occurred to him, and his eyes widened with horror. "Oh my god, you—mist—parties—" He floundered about with dismay, and Ammy swore she could see another fallacious conspiracy theory forming in his brain.

"Oh, I apologize, I forget sometimes that there are those who are not blessed with future-sight. Or cursed, you could say, in my opinion." She sighed heavily. "Link, I deserve everything you're accusing me for. Except the parties. I did not send out evil mist to stop my people from partying."

"Oh, so _that's_ what you were trying to say," Ammy mused.

The Queen went on, choking back sobs. "This power I have is a curse, you must understand, benevolent Amaterasu. Every night, I hear the cries of pain washing over me like a torrent. I could not do anything to ease the suffering of my poor people but pray to the gods that their pain be alleviated. Oooohh…" She moaned and sobbed into her hands, and Ammy almost pitied her.

"HA!" Link cried callously, ruining the moment as usual. "You may fool Ammy, queen-lady, but you can't fool ME! You're the one who was tormenting the people! Give up the nice-guy act right now, no one's buying it, I'm tellin' ya!"

The silhouette of the Queen stiffened into a hunch. Ammy could almost feel the sorrow emanating from her.

"Uh, Link?"

"You must be a demon who feeds off the ill will comin' from the city!"

"Link."

"YOU COWARD! YOU TWISTED SHUT-IN! YOU'RE NOTHIN' BUT A TWO-FACED DOG, AREN'T YOU! AND ONCE YOU'VE TAKEN THE CITY, WHO'S GONNA STOP YOU FROM TAKIN' THE WORLD, HUH? SHOW YOURSELF, YOU CREEPY OLD HAG!"

"LINK."

"WHAT."

"I think everyone can agree, you're being a total dickhead right now."

Link's ears burned when he realized what he had said. "Oh. Well I mean, she deserved it, didn't she?" he said meekly.

"…he's right, Amaterasu," the Queen said quietly. "It was rude of me not to have shown my face and introduced myself properly."

"Er, well I don't think that was exactly the whole point of that shpiel," said Ammy.

The Queen turned around and sat back down facing them, bowing deeply. "Benevolent Amaterasu…please accept my sincerest apologies and listen to the rest of my humble story."

The thin curtain lifted, and Queen Himiko appeared in full view. She had a fire and a mirror just chilling on her headdress, and although her face was still covered by a large leaf she held in front of it, there was enough of the pale skin showing to make Link instantly fall in love again.

"Wow, you really don't have any self discipline, do you," Ammy noted wryly to the Link immobilized by love on the floor.

Himiko ignored them both and continued her tale of woe. "As leader of Sei-An City, I cannot simply stand by and watch as my people suffer from the curse the Dark Lord of Oni Island, the Kyuubi, as you know him, has placed over my domain. You see, Amaterasu…you and I have the same goal." Himiko's black eyes burned with a deadly flame. "DIVINE RETRIBUTION."

Ammy was stunned. No one had ever understood her quest for the smiting power before, much less shared her passion. "You mean, you're not asking me to save Nippon or anything like that?" she questioned, thinking this was too good to be true.

"Nippon?" Himiko said, puzzled. "I'm sorry to question you, Amaterasu, but don't you mean Japan?"

Ammy nearly died. "OH MY GOD," she said. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE."

"Shut inside this place, DUH," Link said, still being an asshole but at least being good-natured about it.

"Don't mind him, Himiko, he was born to be an ass," said Ammy.

"Shut up, Furbrain! I was _obviously_ born as a hot young man!" And he struck a pose, which he realized he hadn't done in a while.

"I'm afraid I have a lot to explain, however," Himiko went on. "How much do you know already?"

"Well, it's supposed to be a secret…" Ammy said.

Himiko nodded sagaciously. "Ah yes. Sakuya."

Ammy and Link nodded sadly in agreement.

"Well, I'm assuming you know a lot more than Sakuya would prefer you to know, so I'll make this short and concise. Is that okay?"

"Are you kidding? It's perfect!" Ammy and Link cried simultaneously.

"Man, Himiko's one chill babe!" Link whispered to Ammy. "How come we didn't know about this before?"

Ammy hushed him so that she could listen to Himiko's abbreviated explanation, and they both sat in awe of Himiko's inherent awesomeness. Someone like her deserved to be Queen, Ammy thought to herself.

"As you know, the Dark Lord (aka Kyuubi) resides on the top on Oni Island, which is an elusive place that changes location every sundown. You see, Link, this is why I remain inside, praying all day. I cannot dispatch an army, and my crystal ball also lets me foresee the future. In it, I can discern where the cursed island will appear next."

Seeing the giant blue ball floating in the air above Himiko's head reminded Ammy of something familiar, but she couldn't seem to grasp it. She brushed it off to the back of her mind, where it continued to itch irritatingly.

"…Unfortunately, there is still much to do before we can reach Oni Island," Himiko went on. "You see, the island is protected by a barrier that only the Water Dragon can break. And while this wouldn't be a problem in the past, the Water Dragon has recently been very…unstable, to say the least. Amaterasu, could I entreat you to make friends with the Water Dragon? This is for divine retribution. The Kyuubi will pay for everything he has done to my people!"

"Of course I'll do it, Himiko!" Ammy cried. "We're partners in arms! We're soul buddies! We're tighter than spandex!"

"I knew I could count on you, Amaterasu," Himiko said, smiling for the first time. "You are a wonderful friend. After all this is over, we should go into the city and hang out together."

"Oooh, can we party?" Link asked, bouncing up and down with excitement.

Himiko smiled indulgently. "Of course, Link." She reached onto her desk and held out a key for Ammy to take. "Benevolent Amaterasu, this is the key that will lead you to the other half of Ryoshima Coast. I had it locked because I was afraid citizens would slip out and get attacked by the ferocious monsters. I believe in your powers, Amaterasu, and I will pray for your success and await your return from your diplomatic endeavors with the Water Dragon."

For the first time since being revived from a statue, Ammy felt a desire not to let someone down. "I'll do my best for you, Himiko," she said with pride. She nodded sternly and hightailed it out of the throne room, determined to help her new friend Himiko get revenge on the Kyuubi with the 12th brush power. It was so close, she could almost taste the electric charge of thunderstorm on her tongue. It didn't taste very good.

They kept going, until suddenly Ammy stopped, struck by awe at an incredible epiphany.

"INTERMISSION!" she groaned, nearly hitting herself on the head for her stupidity in forgetting where she'd seen that blue orb before. "How could I forget?"


	19. In Which Ammy Climbs a Tower Numerous Times for TEH LULZ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link's secret is revealed. Waka's secret is not. Ammy makes some redundant trips.

"So many freaking guards," Link muttered as they handed over the key to Ryoshima Coast (North).

"Meh," said Ammy, as she fed a pair of fine-looking horses.

"Are you quite done yet, Your Majesty?" Link said sarcastically.

"Oh shut up," Ammy snapped. "Maybe if you tried being generous for once, you'd see how much fun feeding is."

They strolled through the gates and were met with a refreshing sea breeze, which was complimented by the gleaming turquoise expanse of ocean spotted with little yellow-green islands and tall, gangly trees.

"Ah...Just looking at this place makes me feel so relaxed," Link sighed contentedly. All of a sudden Waka appeared in front of them and his expression immediately turned sour.

"Bonjour, Amaterasu!" Waka said, casting a sidelong glance at Link and looking more smug than usual. "Did you enjoy your 'little' adventure? The air pollution has certainly cleaned up thanks to you."

"Yeah, and none to you!" Link accused, glaring and whipping out his wand. "I've got you now, you shady prophet! You brainwashed us to believe all that was Himiko's fault, didn't you? Sorry to say, pal, but your little plan didn't work out so well! Himiko's cool! And _you're_ the evil one here!" He hopped forward, slashing his wand in the air at Waka's pant-level as if he was trying to rip open the purple cloth.

"If you want to think that way, be my guest," Waka said, deftly stepping backward so as not to get "accidentally" slashed. "But you're not the only one who knows a dirty little secret, if you know what I mean." He folded his arms across his chest, smug as a cat.

"Stop not making any sense!" Link steamed.

"Tch tch," Waka reprimanded. "Why so grouchy, today, my little bouncing friend? Did you not notice the view?" He stifled a smirk and gestured behind him at the beautiful coast. "This used to be all one cursed zone out here. But yours truly pulled off one of those great divine interventions just for you, _ma cherie_ , as a reward for your valiant efforts in the city. Impressed, are you not?"

Ammy and Link stared blankly at the self-impressed prophet and then at each other. "I thought Ryoshima Coast was all one cursed zone," Link said.

"Yeah, and I got rid of that curse a long time ago," Ammy added.

Their sad lack of amazement at his statement greatly dampened the mood. He let loose a long-suffering sigh and stared up into the clouds. _Why do I still bother?_ he wondered exasperatedly.

_Prettier than a picture,_ hissed Clover in his mind. _That's the next line, remember? Or do you need Us to give you a better reason to stay on track this time?_

_No, no,_ Waka replied amicably. _I was getting there eventually. I was simply recovering some lost dignity._

_Hmm,_ Clover rumbled, unconvinced; but stepped back and let Waka finish his job. After all, he was the person most suitable for anything that involved teasing Ammy and Link.

"North Ryoshima Coast has its own Guardian Sapling, Amaterasu," Waka continued, attempting to salvage some of his pride and still prove to them how impressive he was. "See, it's over there. Lovely, no? That would be thanks to _moi_."

Ammy found herself duly impressed, much to Waka's satisfaction and Link's chagrin. She also remembered the intermission with the image in Himiko's giant blue ball and decided to pin the prophet down at last, before he found the chance to slip away.

"Waka!" she barked, and he flinched at the spontaneity of her commandment. "Where did you buy your stilett—"

"Prettier than a picture!" Waka cried, interrupting her burning question with a flamboyant sweep of his arms. "Isn't that right, my little bouncing friend?"

"Eh?" Link grunted. "And what's _that_ supposed ta mean?"

"Oh, nothing in particular. Just a little something I picked up somewhere. I'm practicing being hip."

Ammy snorted indignantly. "You're ignoring my question!" she insisted.

"Speaking of being hip, I heard art is the new cool nowadays, am I correct?"

Link glowered up at Waka, and, being an opportunist, Ammy broke the terse silence to strike again. "You're still ignoring me!"

"You're an artist, are you not, little friend?" Waka went on, his voice growing louder to drown out Ammy's indignant outcries. "Could you perhaps show me one of your designs?"

"I'm not an artist anymore, I'm a wandering minstrel!" Link spat. "And what I do's none o' your business, you fruitcake!"

"My, aren't we in a foul mood today," Waka chuckled. "I just so happened to hear tell of an irresponsible grandson who ran away from home and took his grandfather's masterpiece with him. I believe that masterpiece would sell for a very high price. Enough to pay for plastic surgery, perhaps?"

Link was being unusually quiet, but Ammy could see he was trembling with anger.

"Oh, so that's what you did," she said.

"I didn't do anything!" Link cried, whipping around to glare at her. "And you, prophet, you better get outta here soon unless ya wanna get chopped to pieces! HUP, HUP, HAAAAH!" Using his wand as a sword, he charged forward at Waka, reverting to the standard LoZ Link shouts in his anger. Before he could do any damage, however, Waka disapparated into a tree some safe distance away.

" _Excusez moi_! You did not have to get all hot under the collar there, my little friend!" he called down to them. "I am simply fulfilling my job!"

"Yeah?" yelled Link. "And what job is that?"

Waka grinned in that infuriating way of his. "Oh, wouldn't you love to know?"

"STILETTOS!" Ammy shouted, making it clear that she had still not given up on pinning him down.

Waka smiled, but waved away her outburst and said, "Speaking of jobs, I'm afraid I don't have a prophecy for you this time. I know you two must be extremely disappointed. I suppose I'll just be on my merry way, then. _Au revoir_ , baby!" And with that, he disappeared again.

"Damn! I'll never be able to pin him down at this rate!" Ammy swore.

"BAH," spat Link, his jaw set and eyes brooding as he stuffed his wand back into his pocket. "One of these days…" He muttered a few nasty sounding threats under his breath and sulked after Ammy. Ammy noticed a few kids on the beach huddling over something, so she headed over to check it out. It turns out the kids were kicking something that looked like a giant, pale potato, and as soon as Link saw it, he joined in and kicked at it with all his might, cursing that "stupid, son-of-a-bitch, two-bit prophet" and, as far as Ammy could tell, making up for all the losses he had faced every time he challenged Waka.

"Ouch! Hey! Stop it!" a voice said. Ammy assumed it was one of the kids, but they only laughed and hit the potato harder. Which was when she realized that it had been the potato that was speaking.

"Hey Urashima, where's your Porca now, huh?" said one of the kids, with a fat face and a red nose.

"Yeah, where is he now?" sneered another kid, whose face was long and flat.

"Yeah, where is he?" giggled the last one, who was a little girl.

When Link realized the potato was actually a human, he jumped backwards with revulsion. "Ugh, that's things _alive_?"

"It ain't _Porca_ , it's _Orca_!" the potato, or rather, Urashima, replied, his voice coming out muffled from underneath his arms. "He's an emissary of the Dragon Palace! And he only comes for people worthy of goin' there! OUCH!"

"Yeah right!" said the kid with the fat face, who had hit Urashima over the head. "Didn't your mom teach you not to tell lies?"

"No, cuz his mom's so dumb, she couldn't tell apart an octopus from a squid!"

The kids guffawed.

Link gave them an odd look, obviously finding no humor in the joke. "Hick-town humor," he muttered, shaking his head. "No taste."

"Feh, I'm tired of this!" the fat faced kid said loudly. "Let's go play something else!"

"Yeah, this is boring," the other kid agreed.

"Yeah!"

The three kids scampered off, probably to go tip some cows or something. That left Ammy and Link alone with the potato—I mean—Urashima, who stood up dazedly and blinked at them as if he were trying to place where he was and couldn't quite put his finger on it.

"Who are you?" he said at last, deciding that was his first priority question.

"Doesn't matter," Link said impatiently. "You mentioned something about a Dragon Palace, didn't you, kid?"

Urashima's moony eyes grew wide and teary. "You—You believe me? About the Dragon Palace?"

"Uh, well yeah, I guess," Link said. He leaned backwards as Urashima leaned uncomfortably close.

"No one ever believes me," the kid blubbered.

"Er, yeah, well." Link gave Ammy a pleading look to help him out. "Me and my friend here wanna hear about it. We both believe you, okay? No more touching now, please?"

Urashima settled down and gushed about his adventure to the Dragon Palace, explaining about the Dragonians and Orca and coral and mermaid dancers and water beds and in general being so excited that someone actually believed his story for once that eventually Ammy gave Link a swift kick and he abruptly cut Urashima off in the middle of a lavish description of the main course he had for dinner one evening.

"Yeah, so how do you get down there, anyway?" Link asked.

"Oh, you don't _choose_ to go to the Dragon Palace," Urashima said, aghast. "The Dragon Palace chooses _you_."

"Just what I needed to hear. Another cryptic explanation," Link muttered.

"Orca will come to the pier at sunrise, and only to those who are worthy!" Urashima exclaimed, getting misty eyed again.

"Guess we'll give it a try, eh Link?" Ammy said. They headed over to the pier and she made the sun rise, and then they waited. They waited for a while. At last, Link spotted what looked like a dot rising out of the ocean steadily making its way towards them.

"Why hello, O Worthy Ones!"Orca chirped. "Lovely morning, isn't it?"

Before Ammy could answer, Urashima came running up, his calf-moon eyes misting with nostalgia.

"Oh Orca!" he cried. "You've come back! Have you come to take me away to the Dragon Palace?" He jumped at Orca, attempting to give him a hug, but the little whale shirked away and flung him out into the sea.

"The kid sure is a clinger, isn't he?" Orca said, smiling warmly at Ammy and Link. "That's how he got to the Dragon Palace last time, too. Lady Otohime ordered me to never let him back, at all costs. In any case, I am glad to find someone worthy of the journey at last! Hop on my back, Lady Amaterasu, and I'll take you to the domain of the Dragonians!"

Ammy and Link's dubious look was not lost on Orca. "Don't worry, that Water Dragon's no match for me! I'm second to none when it comes to swimming!"

"Hm, he looks kinda fishy…" Link paused to think about what he had said, then burst out laughing. "AHAHAHA, fishy, get it, Ammy? Do you?"

"I told you before, I hate puns," Ammy said. "Besides, look at that face. That face is adorable."

So they hopped into the seat on Orca's back and waited for him to take them to the Dragon palace.

"Let's go, Fishface!" Link said.

"Ah, yes, you see, there's a problem with that…" Orca said. "I cannot take you to the Dragon Palace until you have completed the final ordeal decreed by Lady Otohime."

"There's always a loophole," Ammy sighed. "Oh well. Tell me what the ordeal is, Orca."

"You must find the entrance to the Dragon Palace, which is hidden in a whirlpool somewhere along this vast sea. That is the ordeal decreed by Lady Otohime."

"Feh, sounds simple enough," Ammy said. "I just have to look everywhere until I find it, then! Hi ho, Orca!"

The sea was a lot bigger than Ammy expected. They went about to every isle until Ammy had gotten the second stage of Power Slash and Cherry Bomb and completed the fishing minigame with the Marlin Rod. Ammy tried searching up and down and left and right until she couldn't tell which places she had checked before, and finally Orca became tired of swimming in endless circles and said, "Lady Amaterasu, the whirlpool is _hidden_. As in you must fulfill a required objective before the whirlpool will reveal itself."

"Dammit, then what did I waste all this time for?" she complained bitterly. "Have we checked that island yet?" She nodded her muzzle at a relatively large island in the corner of the sea with a giant tower soaring high into the sky from out of the depths of the forest.

"Nope," Orca said, and swam quickly to the island of their destination. "I'll see you when you've finished!" he called and disappeared under the waves before Ammy could change her mind and search the sea once more.

"What's that obnoxious mewling?" Ammy asked, wrinkling her nose with disdain before coming across a couple of kittens in the path. "Oh. Cats. Duh."

Even though she was a wolf, Ammy didn't particularly have any reason to hate cats. In fact, she found them as cute as rabbits, though decidedly less tasty. She fed the little cats some fish.

They entered the forest where there was nothing but a few more mewling cats and the giant tower rising up through the center. The wall of the circular tower was covered in a strange yellow mist that appeared to be etched with pawprints.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? Wall climb it?" she asked. Link squinted up into sky, attempting to see how far the tower rose, but it reached so far up that he lost sight of it in the clouds.

"I don't think a wall jump's gonna handle this, Ammy," he said, paling at the sight. "Man, just looking up at the thing's making me dizzy. I think I'll wait for you down here."

"That's probably a good idea," Ammy agreed, and bunched up her haunches to prepare for one hell-of-a wall jump. She jumped once, and…only once. She found her paws stuck to the strange yellow mist. "Huh," she mused, and jumped once more. Since she wasn't falling down, she decided that literally climbing the wall was the way to go, and jumped more confidently. She found it rather relaxing.

She was still going strong when she reached the first checkpoint. There was even a treasure chest and a cat to feed. Same with the second checkpoint. "I should be halfway there by now," she thought to herself.

After the fourth checkpoint, with still no end in sight, she was getting a little tired of the tower. Actually, "tired" was a slight understatement. It was more like, "irritated-to-the-point-of-loathing". She missed a step once when she thought she passed a checkpoint, but it turned out she had to fall all the way down to the last checkpoint instead, which made her even more irritated.

At last, she reached the top of the tower and ran up the stairs to the outside, where all she had to do was walk across a thin platform to the starving cat on the other side. She was so exhausted from climbing all the way up, however, that her legs were wobbly and she fell off the platform.

"SHIT FUCK DAMMIT!" she yelled as she had to climb up (yet again) a third of the tower.

When she reached the cat safely, she relaxed and prepared for feeding, which was always a favorite part of the day for her.

"I bet you were hungry, weren't you, kitty?" she said kindly. "Here, I've got some fish…"

She peered into her bag. She looked out. She took a deep breath.

"Someone please tell me I don't have to feed this cat."

_You do_ , said a voice in her mind.

She took another deep breath before condemning Clover and everything they stood for to hell.

"SHIT FUCK DAMMIT FUCK MOTHER-FUCKING CLOVER!" she screamed on the way back down.

"Wow, I could hear you from all the way down here," Link said, impressed.

"Go get me a fish bag," she ordered. No way in hell was she going to go all the way to the coast and back just for a freaking fish bag.

"Fine, fine," Link said, muttering something about tails getting twisted up asses. Ammy's temper subsided a bit as she waited for Link to arrive with her fish bag. When he came back, she thrust it in her pouch and mentally gritted herself for the long climb again.

"Okay kitty, I'm back for good," she panted, having climbed up the tower for almost the fourth time. She fed it some fish and it stopped mewling pathetically, purring and rubbing its head against her legs instead. A constellation appeared and Ammy drew the dots for something that looked more like a house than a brush god. A cat sitting on a painting appeared before her, purring with delight.

"Thank you for feeding me, Amaterasu, origin of all that is good and mother to us all," said Kabegami. "I am very appreciative, LMAO."

"Why are you saying LMAO?" Ammy said. "Isn't that some sort of text way of saying 'laughing my ass off?'"

"LMAO," purred Kabegami. "It's funny. And it sounds like something a cat would say, so LMAO."

"…Whateves," Ammy mumbled.

"So PLZ take my power of Catwalk, so you can walk all over people/walls and use it on that one cape back at N. Ryoshima Coast to complete your whirlpool quest; that was hint, BTW LMAO."

Kabegami gave Ammy her brush power, and, not wanting to spend any more time of the cursed tower, she gratefully leapt off, blissfully aware of the fact that she would never have to climb up it again.

At the bottom, Link said, "So did ya get something useful?"

"Yep," she replied. "Brush power."

"Shaweet," said Link. "But you know, I was looking at the map while you were up there and you did know there's a Mermaid Fountain at the top of the tower, didn't you?"

"Of course I did," Ammy lied.

"Then why'd ya come down, make me buy fish, and climb back up a bunch of times, you Fur Brain?"

Ammy straightened up with dignity. "I did it for the LULZ, _obviously_."

"Oh, _obviously_ ," Link said, rolling his eyes. "Cuz I know _I'd_ want to climb an absurdly tall tower numerous times just for kicks. Anyway, now that you've gotten something useful, let's get going. We're on a deadline, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah," Ammy said. As they left the forest, she turned around to look at the tower once more. "Man, I am so glad to be rid of that thing," she said to herself, and never once looked back as they headed off on Orca's back towards the coast.


	20. Which Reminds Link of Zelda Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy has a hunch. The Watchman's wish is granted. Link spots some troubling parallels.

Taking Kabegami's advice to heart, Ammy and Link left Orca for the only part of the coast that they hadn't been able to explore yet: A small section of cape that had been too high to scale previously. But now Ammy was equipped with the brush power of Catwalk, and she used the power on a cat statue to create a misty yellow trail of pawprints up the side of the cliff. She hopped up the wall and immediately set to work feeding a pack of tigers and doing away with a giant, blue faced tengu who dared challenge her to a duel.

A man on the edge of the cliff was peering into a telescope, scanning the skies relentlessly. He sighed as Ammy and Link approached him and muttered to himself, "Just one shooting star, please! C'mon, give me a shooting star! Then I could wish for the whirlpool galaxy to be present in the skies once more…"

"Whirlpool galaxy?" Ammy repeated.

"Oh please, Ammy," Link scoffed. "I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen! The whirlpool's in the ocean, remember, not the sky!"

Ignoring Link, Ammy equipped an Inkfinity stone, muttering under her breath, "Hell yes," and commenced blotting the entire night sky with dots. She'd wanted to try this ever since she filled in Sakugami's constellation back in Hana Valley.

All at once, a million stars appeared and flashed across the sky, then back out of existence. The cape watcher jumped back with a gasp. "A million shooting stars!" he said. "I've got to make a wish!" He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his hands tightly together over his head. "I with the sky was as magnificent as it was in the past, and that the whirlpool galaxy was visible again!"

Overhead, a strange cluster of stars brightened the night sky. Despite Link's tone of disbelief, Ammy had a feeling the galaxy was imperative in their quest.

"After all, Orca did say something about fulfilling minor objectives to complete this ordeal," she said, and stopped to read the stone sign.

"Watcher's Cape," it read. "When the whirlpool galaxy spins in the heavens, a whirlpool shall open up below." Ammy gave Link a victorious look.

"See?"

"Weird as shit," Link agreed, baffled. "But I can't argue with that. So we've gotta spin stars? What the hell is with this puzzle?"

"Sometimes action/adventure games are counterintuitive," Ammy said, curving her tail so as to make the wind blow. "I thought you would've learned that by now, Link."

Sure enough, the whirlpool galaxy began to spin, and when Ammy had made more wind to make it spin faster, an identical giant whirlpool formed in the center of the ocean.

"Success!" Ammy and Link cheered, and they hopped off the platform down to Orca, who was waiting for them at the bottom grinning widely.

"Congratulations, Lady Amaterasu!" he said. "You've passed the test! I'll take you down to Lady Otohime and the Dragon Palace now."

Orca swam towards the whirlpool and the three of them were sucked down into the depths of the ocean.

"That was probably one of the weirdest things I've experienced," Link said. He frowned slightly as he swayed back and forth in the thick water, pondering hard about something. "Although this whole 'going under water' business seems vaguely familiar…"

Ammy had to agree, it was a strange feeling being under water and yet still being able to breathe. Then again, she was a god, but that still didn't explain Link. Everything was also blurred and in various shades of bright pastels—pink, orange, turquoise. When they reached the entrance of the Dragon Palace, two guards stopped them to ask their business and who they were. Both were female and rather more brusque than Ammy thought was prudent for mermaids, but then she remembered that they heightened defenses after the recent goings on with the Water Dragon and Oni Island, and their attitudes became understandable.

"Hey, who d'you think you guys are, talking to us like that!" bristled Link. "I'm Link, wandering minstrel, hot young adventurer extraordinaire, and protector of Queen Himiko, ruler of Sei-An! I'm an important guy, so don't you take that tone with me! Besides, you're the ones who let the Water Dragon amok and created this whole mess!" Ammy noticed that Link had the bad habit of pushing blame onto whoever came across his path next; ever since his failure with Waka, he had apparently decided the Dragonians were his new target.

The guards had been busy with Link, but then they noticed Ammy.

"That white beast! It must be—" they gasped, and bowed before hurriedly opening the gates.

"Awww yeah," Ammy smirked. "Just one look at me and they open the gates. I'm sooo much more important than you. Useful, too."

"Are you still going on about that?" Link said irritably. "Because it's childish."

The Palace of the Dragonians was smaller than Amy expected, and looked startlingly similar in layout to Sparrow Inn. The majestic and graceful air of the Dragon Palace, however, was extremely different from the chaotic and somewhat comical atmosphere of Sparrow Inn, besides the fact that all of the dwellers of the Palace were slender, elegant, and finned young women and not birds.

"They look so much like Zoras!" Link said, shaking his head with bewilderment.

"Zoras?"

"They're like these mermaid things—"

"Well, we _are_ under the sea, in case you haven't noticed."

"Oh, nevermind," said Link. "I was talking to myself, anyway."

Ammy and Link made their way up the staircase and into the elevator, up to the room where Otohime resided. The female guards were considerably warmer than they had been at the gate, and stood up to greet them.

"Welcome to the Dragon Palace. You are now in the kingdom of the Dragonians," they said, bowing.

"Hm, that's a better reception," Link nodded approvingly. "But I've still got a beef with your leader over there, Otohime or whatever!"

He glared at the woman on sitting on her clam throne, and she raised her chin defiantly. Her proud and defensive demeanor reminded Ammy of how Himiko had been when Link was accusing her.

"Yes, I am Otohime, leader of the Dragonians who reside under the waves," she said.

Link faltered in his anger as he noticed, for the first time, the Dragon Queen's beauty. "Um…er…yeah…ahem. As I was saying, you know the Water Dragon that's been running amok? Well, isn't it under your control or something? So couldn't you, like, do something about it?"

"…The Water Dragon is not in his right mind," Otohime murmured, so quietly that Ammy with her wolf ears almost couldn't hear her. "It was all we could do to summon you, Amaterasu, origin of all that is good and mother to us all."

Link deflated slightly. "So you know about Ammy too?"

"Of course, Link. I'm famous among the intelligent, magical races of the world. Humans are a little slow on the uptake, and so are you, apparently."

Link was too busy trying to figure out Ammy's not-so-subtle insult to listen to the rest of Otohime's speech.

"The Water Dragon is our guardian deity and protector of the seas," Otohime went on. "It kept the peace and brought prosperity to the ocean, as well as the cities that depended on it. However, that all changed a month ago, with the cursed appearance of Oni Island on our seas. The Water Dragon was attacked by the Dark Lord and was horribly injured. So grave were his wounds that he flew into an uncontrollable rage. The dark forces then pulled back, leaving behind these chaotic waters plagued by a rampaging Water Dragon."

"I see," said Ammy.

Link seemed to be pondering something again, considering he was wearing his usual perplexed frown. "So, control of the Water Dragon—?"

"We never had control over the Water Dragon. It was our guardian deity," Otohime answered.

"Damn, then," said Link. He studied the walls of the room and then asked, "You don't get many male Dragonites, do you? I've only seen chicks."

"Er, yes," Otohime said, thrown off by his random question. "Most Dragonians are female, and males are quite celebrated and rare. But I don't see what that has to do with the Water Dragon."

"It doesn't," Link said. "Just wondering. You wouldn't, perhaps, have a male Dragon-thing currently, would you?"

"Well," said Otohime, blinking. "There's King Wada. But he is, ah, incapacitated at the moment, unfortunately."

The three women bowed their heads in mourning.

"He's not evil, is he?" Link cried, making a move to pull out his wand.

Otohime hesitated, thinking carefully about her answer. "No," she decided. "He's not."

"Oh, phew," Link said, relaxing. "All these Zelda connections had me weirded out for a second there. I thought I'd have to beat Ganon all over again." He laughed with relief, while Otohime gave him an odd look.

"Just ignore him, he gets like that sometimes," Ammy advised.

"Alright," Otohime said uneasily, and continued. "While we may not control the Water Dragon, there is still a way to harness its power. There is still the power of the Dragon Orb."

"TREASURE?" said Link, his attention immediately snared.

"The Dragon Orb is very powerful and can break the barrier of Oni Island, as it is the very source of the Water Dragon's power," Otohime said.

"No prob, we're treasure hunting pros!" Link exclaimed. Otohime gave a smile that looked more like a grimace.

"We already know where it is. The problem is getting to it," she said. "You see, it lies in the belly of the Water Dragon."

Link's spirits sank dramatically. "In the belly of…oh…" He sank to the floor and sat heavily on his backside, staring blankly ahead.

"Amaterasu," Otohime said, turning to her after realizing that Link wasn't likely to be of any help. "Will you not enter the Water Dragon through its gaping jaws and retrieve the Dragon Orb that lies deep in its belly?"

"Of course."

"Of course?" cried Link, jumping up with dismay. "Ammy, are you outta your mind—!"

"Do it for Himiko, Link!" Ammy pleaded.

Link swallowed what he was about to say and put on a determined face. "Alright. For Himiko. And treasure. Nothing but that."

Ammy rolled her eyes. "Right. Because I'm doing it for the kicks, isn't that so?"

"Oh, thank you Amaterasu!" Otohime trilled. "Your compassion is as deep as the sea! Take this amulet to the garden; the Water Dragon sleeps there. You should be able to find your way into his mouth then. I wish you luck."

They left the company of Otohime and her guards and headed off down one of the halls splintering off the main entrance. The guard there took one look at the shell amulet and said, "Oh! You have the shell amulet! That means Otohime has found you worthy. Forgive my rudeness. You may pass."

She stepped aside and they entered the softly colored water of the garden. There was a giant hole in the center, and when they approached it, they saw the Water Dragon had already made its way snugly inside. Its mouth gaped open, prepared to let them hop right in.

Link swallowed. "Look at those teeth…You know, I swear me or one of my past selves has done something like this before."

"What, jump into a water god's mouth?" Ammy retorted.

"Yeah…" said Link, which wasn't what she expected at all. "Except there were less teeth involved…and no jumping…"

"Well, we've done this before, with the Emperor, remember?"

Link snorted. "I think the Emperor's stomach was a lot less threatening than this thing."

"In any case, you know what you say, right?" said Ammy. "Leap before you think!" And just in case Link was having second ideas, she grabbed hold of his tunic in her jaws and dragged him down with her through the esophagus of the sleeping Water Dragon, cursing all the way.


	21. In Which the Forces of Good Face the Most Evil of All Evils

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy and Link get eaten (again). Link gets a Starbucks. The Water Dragon rests in peace.

"DAMN YOU, AMMY!" Link shouted, his voice echoing eerily throughout the cavernous belly of the Water Dragon.

"Shut up, you're going to wake it up!" Ammy hissed. "And besides, you've coerced me into plenty of worse things."

"Like what, digging matches?" Link snorted.

"Remember that time with the Cutters? Yeah," said Ammy as Link shivered at the memory. "Yeah. This makes up for that in full, I think."

"Fine, debt paid," said Link. "But that doesn't make this place any less creepy. I wanna get outta here ASAP, got it? I don't know about you, Furbrain, but I don't exactly enjoy this whole 'being eaten' experience. And it's been happening too often."

Ammy ignored him and concentrated on making the jump from their side of the cliff to a flattened stalagmite rising high above what appeared to be a river running down below. Now, why the entire insides of the Water Dragon appeared to be once huge cave with a pretty little river running through, Ammy did not, and honestly did not care, to know.

"What is that thing, a stalactite?" Link said, looking back as they jumped safely to the other side.

"Stalagmite," said Ammy.

"Whatever. No one knows the difference anyway," Link mumbled. They ran down the path, but at the end they were forced to turn around because the way was blocked by a demon lock.

"Damn demon locks," Ammy muttered. "I think this is the first time I've come across one without finding the key first. Arrogant asshole. WAAGH!" She had slipped and the both of them fell all the way down into the river. Ammy swam to the nearest path of flattened stalagmites and was pleasantly surprised to find an exorcising arrow there. "How convenient," she thought, and made a water pillar rise up to take them back to the demon lock.

Ammy chuckled darkly. "Not so full of yourself now, are you, lock? THAT'S RIGHT, WRITHE IN AGONY, WRITHE—"

Link snatched the arrow from her and chucked it into the lock himself, causing the demon to burst apart and open the door.

"Can we keep moving now?"

"…Right."

Ammy and Link walked into the next cavern, where they discovered the source of evil embedded deep within the belly of the Water Dragon.

"What the…a strip mall?" said Link, aghast with horror.

The strip mall consisted of nine horribly evil chain stores, including a Wal-Mart, a Barnes and Noble, a Burger King, a Hollister straight across from its rival, Abercrombie and Fitch, an Apple store, a Nike's, and a Jamba Juice, which was snuggled right up against the most evil of all evils: a Starbucks. Situated in the center of the strip mall was a strange sculpture that had indigo colored muscles forming a spider web pattern around a blue glass ball hanging in the middle.

"What terrible _evil_ ," Ammy shuddered. "I can see why the Water Dragon went into a rampage, if he had _this_ set up in his stomach."

They tried skirting the evil chain stores to go into the next room, but just as they had almost made it and thought they were safe, a lady popped her head through the door of Wal-Mart, wearing a blue shawl and an outrageously wide smile on her thin face.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart!" she said, flashing her overly bright smile. "Saving the world with our low prices!"

The nearby Starbucks' door thrust open and another lady with a poison green shawl called out, "First customer of the day gets a free grande mocha cappuccino! There's no better way to start your morning!"

"Back away, you fiends!" Link shouted at them, slashing his wand in a protective circle around him, knocking away the grasping fingers of the Wal-Mart greeter, who hissed. "You're not saving the world, you're brainwashing it! I won't be sucked into your evil plans, no matter how hard you try!"

"Now now, don't be shy! Come along, customer!" said the poison green shawled woman, beckoning sweetly. As she said it, a fleshy indigo substance wrapped itself around Link's leg, dragging him closer to the store's entrance.

"AMMY, I'VE BEEN CAUGHT!" he screamed.

"NO! DON'T GET SUCKED IN, LINK!" she yelled, running after him. Her jaws snapped closed on empty air as Link's boot disappeared into the depths of the Starbucks. "LINK!" she called, but didn't hear anything except the echoes of a sinister giggle. "Link, I'll come back and save you, I promise!" Ammy said, and rushed off down the next corridor before she too could be caught.

The passage opened up into a dead-ended room with an irritated red colored fleshy sac bulging like a welt out of the ceiling. It was dripping red fluid slowly, and Ammy saw that two stalagmites were already filled with the dangerously smoking red liquid.

Ammy looked at the dripping sac and power slashed it to see what happened. It wiggled and dripped a little faster, but besides that didn't do much. The muscle was too strong even for her powered up brush strokes.

"Argh, what am I supposed to do, then?" she thought impatiently. Link was probably already being brainwashed into buying a grande mocha cappuccino, which would soon become the habit of his every morning. She had to stop them before that happened.

"Die, muscle thing!" she cried, using Waterspout to attack the sac with the red liquid. To her amazement it worked, and she continued doing that until the muscular substance completely disintegrated and gushed out red liquid. "Success!" Ammy said, leaping down into the liquid, forgetting too late that it was a flesh-disintegrating substance similar in properties to stomach acid.

"Ouch, shit, ouch ouch," she cringed, at last being forced to draw a water lily before her health ran out. Surprisingly, the lily pad didn't disintegrate, even though the liquid was potent enough to tear muscle and destroy animal tissue alive. Maybe it was because plants are magical organisms and therefore not perceptible to the laws of logic.

She arrived at last into the cavern with the strip mall and commenced attacking all the buildings with dangerous red liquid. She didn't notice that her attacks were destroying the sculpture, too, and before she had done a nearly sufficient amount of damage the blue orb fell into the liquid and cleansed it away with its healing powers. The managers of each store appeared fluidly in the square, each one wearing a different colored shawl and glowing purple.

" _Foolish god,_ " they said in one voice, cackling. Then, right before Ammy's eyes, they changed into lithe orange foxes and leaped into the air at her, jaws snapping.

"I _knew_ you were up to no good, you sly bringer of evil!" she cried, preparing to give them her worst. They put up a tough fight (Ammy having to start with half health due to her stupidity in swimming through stomach acid didn't help much), but Ammy prevailed in the end, as good always does over evil. After being defeated, the purple glow from the foxes went into each store and turned the strip mall into a strange, multi-colored instrument that looked like a pipe. Ammy stuffed that into her bag along with the glass orb thing.

Link groaned. "Oh man, thanks for saving me there, Ammy," he said. "I thought I was a goner."

"I may be mean and pick on you sometimes, but I wouldn't leave you alone to face evil like that," Ammy replied, swinging him onto her back in his rightful place.

Suddenly, the cave shuddered and they remembered about being in the stomach of the Water Dragon.

"OH SHITZ, Ammy, we've gotta get out of here!" said Link.

"I'm on it!" said Ammy, running as fast as she could back through the cave and across stalagmites in order to avoid the giant drops of red liquid that were falling all around them. Ammy used her matrix power to slow down the drops, and they busted out of the Water Dragon's mouth just in time. They hovered in the water, gazing down at the Dragon as it fell into the depths of the sea.

"Is it…dead?" Link asked.

"I think so," Ammy said quietly.

"Oh." Link stared down after it, a sorrowful expression on his face. Ammy thought he was showing some tact and respect for once and mourning the poor deceased Water Dragon, but the next thing that came out of his mouth proved her wrong. "Wait, so then how the hell are we supposed get to Oni Island? All Himiko's work gone to waste! Freaking Water Dragon, dying on us when we needed it the most."

"Yeah, so insensitive of it," Ammy remarked dryly.

A light suddenly flashed before their eyes, and they found themselves no longer floating in water, but standing on the yellow, misty plains so indicative of brush gods.

"What the—am I getting a new power or something?" Ammy said, confused but pleasantly surpirsed.

"Amaterasu, origin of all that is good and mother to us all, I'm afraid I don't have much longer in this world. But I must thank you." The man who spoke was rather large and had a glorious mustache (with matching beard). He wore a royal beaded headdress over his face and was dressed in vibrant blue and purple colors.

"Damn," sighed Ammy. "I guess it's not a brush god."

"No," said the man with the glorious mustache. "I am King Wada, the 27th king of the Dragonians."

"KING WAKA!" Link shouted, instinctively reaching for his wand.

"No, King Wada. WA—DA. I do not know this Waka, though very often I have been mistaken for him." King Wada sighed grievously. "In any case, thank you, for freeing me of my pain, Amaterasu. I waged battle against the Dark Lord and consumed the dark instrument he wielded, the Fox Rods, as you may know them. I was then driven into madness, and, I'm afraid, caused many people great suffering."

"Hold up, you mean you were the Water Dragon?" Link said. Ammy whacked him.

"Idiot," she snorted.

"Water Dragon, god of the sea, king of the Dragonians…whichever you would prefer," King Wada shrugged. "The Fox Rods are the key to the Dark Lord's power. Even now, his minions are searching for them. However, I can rest easy knowing they are in your hands, Amaterasu. I also ask that you give my wife the Dragon Orb. It is the heart of a dragon, and will protect my people. She would know what to do with it." The Dragon Orb floated down to Ammy, and she took it. "Alas, my end is near," King Wada continued. "I have slain many innocents in my madness. I pray they may find peace within these watery depths, as I know I will."

"Well yeah, you're a fish," said Link.

King Wada smiled. "All of Ryoshima Coast loves these deep blue waters," he retorted. "Alas, farewell Amaterasu."

The water surrounded them once more, and King Wada's spirit sank to the bottom of the ocean to meet his body.

"Ammy, things are getting pretty serious, aren't they?" Link said, his face grave. "I don't know how I feel about that."

"I miss the fun times, too, Link," Ammy said, gritting her teeth. "That's why we've gotta defeat the damn Kyuubi. After the Kyuubi's defeated, I'll have the smiting power and the world will be perfect and we can hang out with Himiko in Sei-An."

"Sounds like a plan!" said Link. "Let's go kick some Kyuubi ass!"

He barely finished when he caught sight of someone watching them and froze in place with his wand thrust into the air in a strange pose. Ammy looked up and saw Rao, who appeared to be slightly flustered and impatient. She was fingering the red beads around her neck, glancing from side to side in a very nervous manner. Link gaped at her and said, "B-Busty babe?"


	22. In Which Things Get Real Serious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link gets interrupted numerous times. Ammy briefly forgets Sakuya's spoilers. The wand becomes useful.

"B-Busty babe? What're you doin' here?"

Rao raised a hand to her chest and fiddled with the red beads of her necklace. "I saw the Water Dragon thrashing about from the shore, so I hurried here just in case."

"Aww, you didn't have to worry about us, babe, we've got it all cov—"

"Tell me, Amaterasu," Rao interrupted. "What happened to the Water Dragon? Did he reveal the secret of penetrating Oni Island?"

Link was put out. "Hey, it's not nice to interrupt, babe," he said, frowning. "But anyway, the Water Dragon was actually the Dragonian king, Wada or whatever—"

"Yes, yes, that's very nice," Rao said distractedly. "But the more important thing is, Amaterasu, did you find the Fox Rods?"

"That's twice now, babe!" Link huffed.

"Oh yeah, that's right, you were looking for those," said Ammy, and pulled them out of her bag. "Here you go."

Rao grabbed the Fox Rods and her demeanor immediately relaxed. "Oh, thank you, Amaterasu. I shall be going back to the city and tell Queen Himiko the good news."

Ammy's ears perked up. "Oh, say hi to Himiko for me, would you?"

Rao smiled coyly. "Of course." She stuffed the Fox Rods down her cleavage and ran out the door of the Water Dragon's Garden.

"In a hurry, much?" said Link. "She didn't even glance at my hotness!"

Ammy snorted. "You're the only one who thinks you're hot." She started to head out of the Palace when she groaned. "Aw man, I forgot to ask Rao if she wanted to take the Dragon Orb, too!"

"Just give it back to Otohime," Link suggested. "I'm sure she'd have a use for it."

So they went back up the elevator, and Link, desperate for someone to recognize his hotness, posed in front of the throne. "Hey, I'm back, baby!"

Ammy dragged him out of the way and tossed the Dragon Orb up into its rightful place in the center of the Dragonian crest.

"Mere words cannot express my gratitude for all that you have done, Amaterasu," Otohime said. "And now that I have the Dragon Orb, I can harness the power of the Water Dragon and break down the barrier to Oni Island."

"Good thing you didn't give that to Rao then, huh?" Link whispered.

"Oh shut up, it's not like you wouldn't have given it to her either," Ammy retorted.

Link wasn't listening. "Oh yeah, and babe, I gotta tell you, your Water Dragon died. Did you know he was actually the—"

"King of the Dragonians? Yes," said Otohime, raising her eyebrows as if she were wondering where he was going with this.

"Dammit, what's with pretty babes interrupting me today?" Link muttered darkly.

"He was, in fact, my husband."

"HUH?" Link swerved around so fast Ammy thought his neck would break. "Your...that...he's...but—but he looks so old! And fat!" he sputtered.

"Link, remember we talked about you and the tact factor?" Ammy hissed.

"Is that a problem?" Otohime asked, a little coldly, Ammy thought.

"No, no, of course not," Link said, but Ammy saw him grimace.

"Amaterasu," Otohime said, brusquely ignoring Link. "Did you happen to find the evil instruments of the Dark Lord?"

"You mean the Fox Rods?" said Link. "We gave them to Himiko's attendant."

"What a stupid thing to do," Otohime said, staring pointedly to the wall directly across from her.

"Hey, it was Ammy's idea, not mine!" Link protested, but Otohime had fallen suddenly deaf.

Suddenly, the Dragon Orb began to shine and floated back down from its perch to rest in front of Ammy and Link's faces.

"A revelation, perhaps?" Otohime said, inching forward on her throne. "Perhaps King Wada wants us to see one final thing before he departs!"

"You _would_ think so, wouldn't you?" Link muttered, to which he earned a painful bite in the behind from Ammy.

Unfortunately for Link, Otohime had by this point regained her sense of hearing.

The image in the Dragon Orb showed a temple that Ammy remembered having visited at Ryoshima Coast but seemed to have no valuable purpose. Rao was running away from a shadowy figure that must have been the Kyuubi but looked less like tails and more like nine towers or paintbrushes or something. The Kyuubi towered over a trembling Rao and then the image cut.

"Does that have any meaning to you, Amaterasu?" Otohime asked, but Ammy and Link were already headed for the elevator. "Wait! Where are you going?"

"No time to explain now, babe!" Link said. "We've gotta get to that temple, quick!"

"Remember Amaterasu! There is still hope!" Otohime called after them. "I shall wait here until Queen Himiko-"

"Too slow!" Link shouted as the elevator doors closed and they flew down the stairs.

"You know, Link, that's why all the girls ignore you," Ammy panted as they leaped out of the whirlpool and hurtled across the coast.

"Whaaaaaat?" Link pouted. "I didn't do anything! It's not my fault I'm so hot!"

"No, it's your fault you can't keep your mouth shut," Ammy replied. "Come on, we've got to find out what's happened to Rao. I would hate to see her and her two friends get attacked."

Ammy rushed up the steps to Ankoku Temple, stopping only to watch as a specter version of Rao beckoned them onward.

"I've got a bad feeling about this…" Link murmured uneasily.

The specter Rao led them around the temple to a solid rock wall and then phased through it, beckoning with her hand.

"What the hell, specter Rao, we're not ghosts!" Link said, but as Ammy approached the wall it disappeared, leading to a cave with a well.

Ammy looked at Link. "Leap before you think, right?" she said, grinning.

"If you think it's so stupid, stop saying it," Link snapped.

She chuckled and jumped down. At the bottom of the well was a secret passageway, and at the end of the secret passageway was a secret storage room. Outside the secret storage room was Queen Himiko's castle.

"Well that was convenient, for Rao," Ammy said. "I don't see why we couldn't have come straight here, but whatever."

"See, I bet Busty Babe's fine!" Link said, mainly to reassure himself. "She just sent her ghost to tell us that she got to Himiko's place safely…"

"Yeah, and I'm sure the Kyuubi's shadow had absolutely nothing to do with it."

"That vision was probably her way of showing us what _didn't_ happen," Link continued on, desperately grasping at straws. "You know, as some sort of joke or something."

"Right," said Ammy. "Because Rao definitely seems like the type who would make morbid jokes during critical situations."

"Well, maybe we'd find out if you'd get going!" Link yelled, worry cutting his patience shorter than it already was.

The sight of Himiko's handmaiden knocked unconscious in front of the door wasn't a very reassuring sign that all was well. The bad feeling they had ever since seeing the vision in the Dragon Orb grew more urgent as Ammy swam through the lava pit and raced past all the sliding doors.

"Hey…hey…HIMIKO!" Link cried, running towards the figure sprawled across the carpet. Himiko's giant crystal ball was lying on the floor beside her, which wasn't a good sign.

"Is she alright, Link?" Ammy asked.

"She's…dead…" Link whispered.

Ammy was shocked. Himiko couldn't be dead. They had just become best buds. They had promised to go out together when all this dirty business with the Kyuubi was over. "Damn you, Clover," Ammy muttered, tears stinging her eyes. "I thought this was a children's game! People don't die in children's games! Agh, dammit, this is getting too serious for me!"

Then she noticed Rao shivering at the side of the room. Her face seemed paler than usual, which was a normal reaction for someone who had just witnessed a murder, but it was the wrong sort of pale, like her face was glowing eerily bright in the candlelight.

"It was terrifying," she whimpered. "A creature ten times my height burst in here and broke the magic barrier, leaving Her Majesty like that…To think that the forces of darkness…that their leader is such a mighty beast…I—I'm scared now…"

Someone laughed so coldly and wickedly, that Ammy at first thought it was the Kyuubi, but realized, to her surprise, that it was Link.

"A creature ten times your size, huh?" he said. "Something like that couldn't escape our notice. So where's it now, Busty Babe? Or shall I say…" His eyes flashed with a harsh gleam Ammy had never seen before as he whipped out his wand. "Kyuubi?"

Rao was aghast with horror. "What?" she squeaked. "Kyuubi? Whatever could you—"

"Save it for someone else," Link snapped. "You can't fool us. We heard it from a tree sprite."

Ammy was impressed by his courage in challenging the Kyuubi and defying Sakuya's golden rule, and also by the fact that he managed to get back at Rao for interrupting him so many times.

"SO TAKE THIS, YOU BASTARD! WINDWAKER DANCE!"

Link rushed forward, alternately dancing and stabbing the air with his wand, which, much to everyone's surprise, sent piercing blades of wind straight at the opponent. Rao smiled and lifted her head at the blades, revealing red eyes and sending the wind rushing back at Link.

"Hahahaha!" Evil Rao cackled. "Well done, Padawan, but you'll have to do more than that to scratch me." She turned to face Ammy. "You've done well also, Amaterasu. I lured you to the Sunken Ship to become bait for the Water Dragon, but you survived and even had to nerve to clear out the poisonous mist from the city. You got a good lead on finding my fortress at Oni Island, and you even managed to tame the mighty Water Dragon! Oh yes, props to you!" She clapped. "But alas, the Water Dragon is dead and your dear Queen Himiko is but a lifeless corpse. Looks like justice prevails once again! Ahahahaha!"

"Jus—! Why, I'll teach you justice! I'll teach you to talk about Himiko like that again!" Evil Rao smirked as Link rushed forward again, using magic to turn into a Rao with a fox mask. She reached behind her back and pulled out a giant, pronged sword, and, sensing deep trouble, Ammy grabbed Link before he could hurt himself and tossed him onto her back.

"C'mon, Link! You may have improved your fighting skills, but let's admit, you're not prepared to go up against the Demon Lord by yourself."

"Oh fine," Link said sourly. "But we'd better kick this Kyuubi's nine-tailed ass, or there'll be hell to pay, I'm telling you!"

"Justice will always prevail!" Evil Rao shrilled, dashing about the room and throwing knives at Ammy and Link. Link cut them back at her with his wind while Ammy used her divine instruments. Rao was a tough opponent, but they drove her back enough to win the fight.

"Hahaha," Evil Rao said. "Hahahahaha! It's not over yet, Amaterasu!" Her red eyes glowed and she morphed into the shadowy monster they saw in the real Rao's vision. "Let me show you a taste of my real power!" Light erupted from one tail and hit the pillar behind Ammy.

"That was a close call," she muttered.

"Hmph. This room is too small for me to unleash my true power," the Dark Lord rumbled. "I will return to my impregnable fortress and gather my forces so that none will dare stand up to me! Farewell, Amaterasu! Ahahahahaha!" The Kyuubi's sinister laugh hovered in the air long after he was gone.

"Dammit!" Link cursed, throwing down his wand. "He escaped and Himiko's dead and Busty Babe's probably dead and the Water Dragon's dead and everyone's dead and we're still alive which sucks because now we've gotta fix this mess and we can't because everyone who can help us is dead—"

"Yeah, I know," Ammy said. "And I think the part that sucks the most is that now I can't get the 12th brush power."

"And I finally became useful, but have nothing to show for it," Link added, heaving a bitter sigh.

A scoreboard scrolled down across the top of the screen, reading: PAPER: 1. WAND: 1.

"Except for that," he said.

"Hey, now we're tied," Ammy noted duly.

Neither of them said anything for a while, too absorbed in the hopelessness of their situation.

"Why couldn't we have stopped the Kyuubi earlier?" Link cried bitterly, breaking the silence. "Sakuya warned us, didn't she? I mean, not like we didn't know in the first place."

"You were too distracted by her boobs to remember," Ammy replied.

"N—No I wasn't!" Link defended. "Who was it that handed the Fox Rods directly to the Dark Lord? Not me!"

"I did?"

"Don't pretend you forgot, that was at the beginning of this chapter!"

"I blame Clover."

"I—Wow, it's true. They killed off Himiko and left us in this mess," Link said, slumping to the floor.

Filled with despair and hopelessness, Ammy and Link sat on the blood-stained floor of the deceased Queen Himiko's throne room, with nothing to occupy themselves with but bitterness, regret, and anger towards the very developers who created them, thinking that things were getting much too serious for them to handle.


	23. Which is Full of Surprises and Paper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Himiko pulls a Water Dragon. Otohime also pulls a Water Dragon. Ammy wins several races.

Ammy and Link should have known better than to believe that Clover had abandoned them. As hinted previously, Clover thoroughly enjoyed messing with the players' minds, which, ultimately, also included messing with Ammy and Link's minds, which they did both through their own devices and through Waka.

So Ammy and Link's surprise at finding Himiko's crystal ball glowing and hovering in the air again was completely foolish and unjustified.

Although their surprise when Himiko's image filled the ball was totally understandable.

"Himiko! You're alive?" Link sprung up.

"Link, she's pulling a Water Dragon on us," Ammy whispered.

"Oh. So she's still dead," said Link, sitting back down with a heavy thump.

"I may be dead, Link, but I chose my death of my own accord," Himiko's spirit said from the crystal ball.

"Huh? Whaddya mean?" Link asked.

Himiko's spirit smiled slightly. "I mean that we have the upper hand of this round. I let myself be killed so that I could harness the Dark Lord's power to enter my crystal ball, allowing me to divine the precise location of Oni Island for today. It's surprisingly a little like weather forecasting…" she mused.

Ammy and Link could barely believe their ears. "So there's hope after all of fulfilling my quest!" Ammy cried.

"Yes, and of paying back that Kyuubi," Himiko said, her eyes hardening as she curled her hand into a fist and pounded it against her palm. "Amaterasu, listen closely. My spirit will move on after this final divination. You must arrive on Oni Island before the sun sets and it disappears for good, never to be found again. I trust you will do so. You are my best friend, after all." Himiko grinned, and Ammy fought back the tears in her eyes.

"I'm ready," she said, her voice hoarse. "Tell me where Oni Island is."

Himiko closed her eyes. "It will appear at sunset just beyond the point at North Ryoshima Coast known as Watcher's Cape." Her eyes opened again, and were misty. "Good luck, Amaterasu. If there is one thing I regret, it is that we couldn't spend more time together. So long." She brought her hand up to glass in farewell as her image slowly faded into nothing. As soon as she completely disappeared, the crystal ball cracked open and fell to the floor, useless and spent.

"C'mon, Ammy," Link said, pulling on her tail. "We've got to get going. The sun's gonna set soon. You don't want Himiko's sacrifice to go to waste, do you?"

Ammy shook her head to clear her thoughts. "I'm ready. Let's go. FOR HIMIKO!"

"FOR HIMIKO!" Link echoed as they charged toward Watcher's Cape and Oni Island.

The surprises ceased to end as they approached the end of Watcher's Cape and found Otohime waiting for them.

"Hey, won't you dry out and shrivel up, babe?" Link said.

Otohime gave him such a withering look that Ammy was surprised he himself didn't shrivel up and die right there.

"What?" Link complained, glancing from Otohime's disapproving glare to Ammy's. "I was just showing concern for her beauty, alright? I'd hate to see her turn out like her husband, that's for sure."

Ammy half choked, half laughed. Link's tact knew no bounds.

"So anyway, what're you doing here, Dragon-Lady?"

"I believe you know why I am here, Amaterasu," Otohime said, ignoring Link as always.

Link stared dumbfoundedly at Ammy, who stared dumbfoundedly at Otohime. "I do?"

"Yes," Otohime said. "Or, that is, you should have been able to guess. I told you before, didn't I?" She drew the Dragon Orb out from the palm of her hand. "As long as I have the Dragon Orb, I can harness the power of the Water Dragon."

She sparkled and turned into a giant pillar of light that spiraled into the air and shed off of her body, revealing the ugly, wrinkled face of the Water Dragon.

"OH MY GOD, AMMY, SHE REALLY DID TURN OUT LIKE HER HUSBAND!" Link sobbed.

Otohime swayed, and Ammy thought she was going to fall backwards and squish Link for his comments. But instead she fell forward and crashed into the barrier around Oni Island. "Hurry, Amaterasu, while life yet courses through these veins!" she called.

"Time to go, Link. Stop moaning, inner beauty's what counts," Ammy said, dragging him onto her back and running along the bridge Otohime-the-Water-Dragon created with her body.

And at last they arrived on Oni Island.

It seemed too good to be true at first, but then Ammy noticed the welcoming expanse of lava and pulled herself back together.

"Huh, that Kyuubi must've taken a hint from Himiko or something," said Link. "I mean, he stole the whole blocking out with lava thing that she had goin' on at the palace."

"Because that worked out so well," Ammy replied. "Hm, I guess this fire tablet really wasn't a one-time-use-only item."

"Yeah, but I still don't get why Kaguya of all people had it," Link said.

Ammy and Link scoped out the lava area for treasure first and then boosted themselves up a fire spout using the Waterspout technique, which made no sense to Ammy, but then again, it had worked on stomach acid, so she figured fire wasn't stretching things much farther. She ran toward the grand wooden door, but was stopped to battle two giant, ox-like demons with iron masks over their faces and horribly spiky clubs in their hands. Fortunately, they were rather stupid and got stuck whenever they charged, exposing their weak back spots to the brunt of Ammy's Resurrection Beads and Link's Windwaker Attack. When the grunts had been dealt with, the gates swung open and Ammy and Link headed inside.

The interior of the castle appeared narrow and strange, with weird little devices with what seemed to be light bulbs sitting around the floor. They couldn't go forward because the way was blocked by iron bars, and they couldn't go left because there was another blasted demon lock. Of course Ammy should have expected at least one demon lock within a demon castle, but it annoyed her nonetheless. So she headed to the right and entered a spacious room with nothing inside it but an Exorcising Arrow.

"Man, this is too easy!" she grinned, until she got caught in a battle and remembered sourly that nothing in action/adventure games is ever achieved easily.

She made short work of the demon, grabbed the arrow, and headed back to the right-hand corridor. She didn't torture the demon lock this time because time was short and she and Link were both itching to get revenge on the Kyuubi for killing Himiko. And the smiting power was so close. So close, her fur prickled with the static of it.

"These walls are kinda making me claustrophobic," Link said uneasily as Ammy raced down the halls. She barely noticed the scrap of paper floating there and would have rushed straight by it if it hadn't talked to her and made her stop.

"Excuse me, good sir," the scrap said. "Might I ask where you are going in such a hurry?"

"Huh? Us? Well, we're—Hang on, did this scrap of paper just talk to us?" said Link.

"Scrap of paper?" the scrap cried. "Do not dishonor me with such an unflattering name! My name is Tobi, and I am rather proud of it, myself."

"He's pretty polite for an evil being," Ammy noted approvingly.

"Sure, I guess," Link said. "But we're on a mission here, Furbrain, in case you've forgotten. We'd love to stay and talk, my man, but we're really in a hurry to get goin'," Link said to Tobi. Ammy made a move forward but Tobi flashed in front of them, forbidding them to go further.

"I am afraid I cannot let you pass," Tobi said. "I am the gatekeeper of Oni Island, and I am in charge of keeping suspicious people out."

"Do we look suspicious?" Link asked innocently, but the pose ruined it.

"Well, I certainly haven't seen you around before," Tobi conceded. "Tell me, good sirs, what are your names?"

Link smoothed back his hair, as if preparing for this moment. "Me? Well, I am known as the hottest man alive—Link, Himiko's Avenger, Ladies' Man, and Traveling Minstrel Extraordinaire!" He shot a hand towards Ammy. "And this here's my good friend and sidekick, Full-Throttle Ammy! The full-throttle part being a hint about how much we wanna get to the top of this castle."

"Full-Throttle Ammy, you say?" said Tobi, paying no heed to Link. "I fancy myself a fine racer as well. What do you say, good sir? A race to the top with humble Tobi?"

"You're a nice evil guy," Ammy said. "Kind of like Ajimi. I like you. Why not?"

"Fabulous!" Tobi said cheerfully. "We race to the golden gates. When you are ready, good sir, press the button and the race shall begin!"

Ammy circled around the room a couple times, gaining speed, and when she had become fast enough, she dashed across the button, releasing Tobi and racing him to the end of the corridor.

"Yes! We won!" Ammy cried as she leaped across the platform. "That was the easiest thing I've ever done!"

But she lost heart when she saw Tobi at the next obstacle.

"Good race, good sir!" Tobi chirped. "Splendid indeed!"

Ammy glanced at the obstacle, which was a series of platforms suspended above a pit of spikes. "Don't tell me we're racing again," she said.

"We did say we'd race to the top, didn't we?" Tobi answered.

With a sinking feeling of dread, Ammy worked up a speed and raced Tobi across the platforms. It was surprisingly fun after she beat him across the threshold, and when she saw Tobi again at the next obstacle she found herself looking forward to it.

"Getting winded, good sir?"

"Oh, not at all," Ammy replied, grinning.

She beat him easily again, but the next race presented a series of saws, and this, Tobi said, was where he got serious.

"H—hah! Is that…all you got?" Ammy panted at the race's end.

"Ya—You're one to talk, my good sir!" Tobi retorted back, also breathing heavily. "You only had to try a couple times before you beat me!"

"Alright, next one!"

Tobi chuckled. "Are you sure you don't want a longer break, good sir? This challenge is the hardest one yet!"

This obstacle posed a series of moving wheels with spikes on the ends, which Ammy had to run through with impeccable timing. She was going strong until she rounded the corner and got smacked full in the face with the spikes, slowing her down and giving Tobi the finish.

"One more time!" she demanded, determined to get it right. She finally beat him out with pure luck, and was relieved to see the next obstacle was merely running across an empty chamber.

"Yeah, except remember the last 'empty' chamber we ran through," Link scoffed.

Sure enough, just as Ammy cried out in triumph as she neared the threshold, a barrier popped up and a couple of demons appeared.

"DIE!" she screamed. "I'VE GOT A RACE TO WIN, FOOLS!"

She crushed the demons and raced across the gate before Tobi, laughing. "Man, I haven't had this much fun since chasing that thief Hayazo around Sei-An!"

"Glad you're having fun," said Link. "Cuz that definitely looks like a lot of it." He pointed at the next challenge, which didn't involve Tobi at all, even though Ammy would have preferred it had. Tobi's challenges had spikes, which were easy enough to deal with. This one had lasers, which were not.

"You know what this means, Link…" Ammy said.

"If you say, 'Leap before you think' in that sarcastic way of yours again, I'm gonna jam my wand up your ass."

"MOB IT, BABY!"

Ammy leapt straight onto the platforms, dodging one laser just in time to get hit by another. She spotted a safe place on the sides and jumped towards it.

"OUCH! Dammit! It's not fair to have spikes AND lasers!" she said after a surprise spike impaled her in mid-jump. She decided the best way to go about this was to simply get out of the area as fast as possible, so she jumped to safe tiles and jumped over lasers until she finally reached the other side.

"Whew!" she said.

"Tell me about it!" gasped Link, whose hat got singed.

"Congratulations to you, Full-Throttle Ammy!" Tobi said when they reached him. "None of my comrades have ever made it this far! It seems you would not be an opponent to be taken lightly. But I have had enough! This is where it all ends! I, Tobi, shall risk it all in the Passage of Needles!"

"Good luck, scrap!" Ammy said, her haunches tightening in anticipation. "You're going to need it!"

Ammy dashed across the button and raced Tobi to the other side of the corridor. Needles pressed in from both sides, but she was too quick and made it safely across.

"Wonderful," Tobi exhaled at the end of the race. "Good sir, you have fully impressed me. I wish you luck on your quest."

"Thanks, scrap," Ammy smiled. "You're a pretty good racer yourself, you know. You almost had me at the spiky wheels one."

"Never fear, Full-Throttle Ammy. We will meet again," Tobi said, before disappearing in a cloud of purple smoke.

Ammy and Link took a break at the dead end with the shining crack in the wall, preparing themselves for the next leg of Oni Island.

"I'd guess we're almost there," Link said. "I mean, Tobi told us he'd race us all the way to the top, right?"

"Yeah," Ammy breathed, heart hammering with excitement and adrenaline from so much racing. "C'mon, Link, let's blast through this wall!"

Unfortunately, this chapter wasn't named the chapter full of surprises for nothing.


	24. Which Contains Excessive Smiting and Pseudo-Jedi Masters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One quest is completed. Ammy goes on a power trip. Ammy and Link get revenge.

"Augh, what's this?" Ammy cried, walking onto the roof of the castle. "This isn't the top, is it?"

"If it was, it's pretty disappointing," Link said, pointing to the Exorcising Arrow above them. "Damn, I shoulda known that Tobi was a liar! All evil beings are, no matter how politely they talk!"

Ammy was a little sad to hear that. She had liked Tobi, and refused to believe he had tricked them.

She took the arrow in her mouth and went back inside before realizing something.

"Aw, dammit, this means there's another demon lock here somewhere!" she cursed. "One was bad enough, but of course this damned place would have two!"

Luckily, the lock was easy to find, and as they walked through the door to the outside again, Ammy noticed a certain statue and all disgruntled feelings were forgotten.

"Gekigami!" she gasped, and wasn't even irritated that he had become a statue. The statue itself was of a tiger with a bow lying horizontally across its back and its tail pulling back the string. In the distance, thunder rumbled and lightning cracked, signifying the grandeur of this epic moment Ammy had been waiting for since chapter 1.

"What the—he's missing his arrow," she mumbled, and drew one in for him, satisfied with her work. The bolt she had drawn for him sprung to life, igniting the tail to let the arrow loose, sending it flying into the clouds and revealing, to no one's surprise, a constellation.

"Oh, Link, I'm so excited!" Ammy said as she filled in the dots.

Gekigami sprang to life in the clouds, roared a couple times, then settled down and regally pronounced his business.

"Oh, Amaterasu, origin of all that is good and mother to us all, blah blah blah…I grant you my brush power of Thunderstorm. Use it to crush your foes and smite down your enemies!"

"Oh, I will!" Ammy said, a little too enthusiastically, and Link was not wrong to shiver uneasily.

Back down on earth, Ammy refused to stop chuckling evilly. "Hey hey hey, stop it!" Link cried. "That laugh is creepin' me out!"

Ammy chuckled. "Ohohoho…Don't worry, you're not on the top of my list," she said.

Link sweated. "…But I'm still _on_ your list, aren't I?"

Ammy didn't answer him, but merely continued chuckling maniacally.

And that was the defining moment where Link turned spiritual, or would have, until he realized that Ammy _was_ the god he would be praying to since Christianity hadn't come to Nippon yet.

Ammy became smiting-happy and smited everything in her way, including doors and boxes and strange, pronged contraptions that looked like swords. She laughed all the way, causing Link to seriously consider jumping off the ledge. When they reached an area of a cave, however, she realized that there were no more lightning clouds and become dour.

"This sucks," she complained. "I thought I'd be able to smite anything I wanted whenever I wanted, like all gods do, but of course Clover's stupid Nippon warps everything. Dammit, how can I be considered a god like this?"

She glowered at the floor and drew cherry bombs all over it to release some of her anger. The floor gave way after it exploded, sending them falling to the bottom where they found a strange key that produced electricity.

Ammy was still angry about not fully housing the ability to smite, but the key at least gave her enough electricity to smite things indoors, which lightened her mood considerably after a couple times electrocuting demons.

"Another obstacle?" she scowled when they came to the Sliding Doors of Hell, which was actually a rather infuriating maze. "FUCK YOUUU, SLIDING DOORS! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

She zapped the sliding doors to pieces, revealing the exit to the maze along with a bunch of treasure. They exited the maze and came out at the main room of the castle, where they had started out in the beginning. Ammy used the key to open the iron gates and headed down the tall, spacious room that was filled with statues and gizmos and junk. She glowered up at the giant statue at the end of the hall that was holding a pronged sword.

"ONLY ME AND GEKIGAMI ARE ALLOWED TO BE STATUES, DAMMIT!" she shouted, using a conveniently placed electrical spark to smite the offensive statue. The statue exploded, revealing a secret staircase underneath. As soon as they reached the bottom, however, an alarm went ringing and four lamppost demons with eyes stared at them while lava rose up to drown them.

"NO ONE CAN STOP ME!" she cried, powerslashing the demons. Even though she had done it correctly, the lava still rose until they were engulfed. "Augh! What'd we do wrong?" she spat. As they walked into the room again, she noticed an extra eye staring straight at her.

"Ohoho, you think you're so clever, don't you?" she said. "WELL YOU'RE GOING ON THE TOP OF MY LIST, JERKFACE!" She powerslashed all of them this time, and the lava receded. Ammy obtained another electrical key, putting her in a better mood again.

"Geez, it's like you're addicted to that thing," Link muttered, to which he earned a warning shot to the hat and spent the rest of the way up the island sitting completely silent on Ammy's back, clutching at his hat with his eyes wide.

Ammy whizzed through the winding passageways of turning planks and finally arrived in another series of spacious rooms, guarded by her favorite laser-man.

"Dammit, I hate lasers," she muttered, attempting to smite the laser-shooting statue. Unfortunately, it wasn't susceptible to smiting and continued beaming its laser across the floor, to which she decided that jumping over it was the best strategy anyway. With the electrical key in her mouth, she managed to walk on a path over a room that was sealed except from above and jumped down.

"Oh. My. God," she said. "Another freaking Exorcising Arrow."

"'What happens twice will happen a third time,'" Link quoted, trying to sound wise.

Ammy gave him a withering look and bombed a hole in the wall. She chucked the arrow at the demon lock outside the hole and vined herself back to get the lost electric key. With the key secured, she ran up the stairs and, much to her surprise, discovered Tobi waiting there.

"Tobi!" she said, so surprised that she dropped the key. "What are you doing here? I thought you left us after that final race!"

"Good sir!" Tobi cried, just as surprised. "So you have made it this far, have you? I must tell you, good sir, the time for fun and games is over. It is my sworn duty to stand guard here. But during our competition…oh, how shall I put it…" Tobi paused, reflecting back to their friendly races. "I suppose I became rather fond of you, good sir. The sight of you, risking your life in a most gallant charge…I decided I simply must see it again! So…will you race me once more?"

"Of course!" Ammy said. "See Link, I knew he wasn't tricking us! He's still racing up to the top!"

Link, having decided Ammy wasn't in her smiting mood, thought it was alright to speak again. "Yeah, I guess…To tell you the truth, I kinda fell for the little scrap myself."

The three of them stood there feeling the love for each other for a little while. Then Tobi continued on, saying, "To live a life full of competition…that is my dream. Am I a failure as a gatekeeper for feeling so? So you see, good sirs, I wish to partake in a final competition. Let us make this the race of the ages!"

"You're on, scrap!" Ammy grinned, and raced Tobi past a spider and up two flights of stairs.

"This is not the last you will see of me, Full-Throttle Ammy!" Tobi said. "Do not fear! My yearning for challenge has not yet been quenched!"

"See you soon, then!" she called as Tobi disappeared.

They headed on through another "empty" room, battled some demons, climbed up a wall, ran through another "empty" room, battled some more demons, came outside, jumped up some steps, and ran into a wall. Literally.

"Oof!" said the wall, making Link scream.

"WOAHMIGOD! Oh, sorry, I thought for a second _I_ said that, and I almost had an out-of-body experience inside my body."

"I think we call that just an ordinary experience," Ammy replied.

"Ga-HA!" said the wall, which was creepy not only because it talked, but also because it moved and had a face that looked suspiciously like Brendan Fraser, if you connected the dots. Which Ammy had gotten quite good at doing, courtesy of the brush gods.

"AAAH!" Link screamed again, having connected the dots. "BRENDAN FRASER!"

"STOP SCREAMING IN MY EARS!" the wall bellowed. "A-HEM. I am BLOCKHEAD, and I guard the way so that ALL may pass!"

Ammy and Link looked at each other. "Shaweet then," Link shrugged.

"Ah, wait, no, make it I block the way so that NONE shall pass! Yeah, that's it!"

"Wow, he's just as horrible at remembering lines as the real one!" Ammy said.

"You are the terrible ASSASSIN that has been SLAYING my BRETHREN!" Blockhead said. "YOU, the WHITE DEMON OF DEATH!"

"Hm," mused Ammy. "I kind of like that name. Better than Full-Throttle Ammy, at least."

"Hey, I'm the best nicknamer around!" Link defended. "Just ask Awesome Tarou!"

"…Right," said Ammy. "But anyway, Blockhead dude, you may be a better nicknamer and all, but I don't remember assassinating anyone…yet." She chuckled evilly.

Blockhead gaped. "But you killed one of my brethren at Tsuta Ruins!"

"Did I?" Ammy asked, turning to Link, who shrugged.

"The esteemed author of this story skipped through that whole dungeon, remember?" Link said. "So I doubt we'd know."

Blockhead's heart was broken, and he crumbled. "I—To THINK that my BROTHER was MURDERED by you and you didn't have the HEART to REMEMBER it!" he sobbed, breaking away into rubble on the floor. "YOU—YOU MONSTER!"

"What can I say?" Ammy shrugged, jumping over the Blockhead. "I am the WHITE DEMON OF DEATH." She laughed. "Man, I really love that name. I would hire him to be my partner instead of you, but Brendan Fraser's face scares me."

"Yeah, I'm sure you'd prefer a hot young man's face, like mine. Oh hey, it's our favorite scrap! Hey Tobi!"

Tobi greeted them warmly. "I am indeed no match for you, good sir," he said to Ammy. "Your eyes, ever focused on tomorrow, have led you to this climax."

"Wait, are we almost at the peak already?" Ammy asked.

"About time, I say," said Link.

"Yes. Beyond this final challenge lies the summit of Oni Island," Tobi said. "Good sir, I have never felt such competitive fire before you. You have given me adventure in my uneventful life, so I must thank you."

"Hey, why get so serious? Save all that talk for after I've beaten you!" Ammy said playfully.

Tobi paused a moment before continuing, and Ammy thought he was reflecting again. "Though I cannot join you in completion of your quest," he said, "I shall send you off with a final dash! Are you ready? Now for the race to end them all! Make it one that I shall never forget!"

"You're on, scrap!" Ammy said, dashing across the button and pulling herself to the finish by vining to the other end. Tobi met her at the bridge at the end.

"Truly amazing, good sir!" he bubbled. "I am so glad to have ended it like this."

"Wait, whaddya mean, 'end'? Why're ya talkin' like the world's gonna end, or something?" Link asked worriedly.

"I have violated the precepts and should thusly be erased," Tobi said, gaining a sober edge to his voice. "So I must bid you farewell. I shall accept my fate of abandoning my role as gatekeeper. I regret nothing. This was the life of my own choosing, and no one can take it away from me." He sighed. "I only wish I had a bouquet of flowers to present you at this farewell. But alas, I must part with you empty-handed. Please forgive me. And thank you, good sirs. Thank you."

When his speech was over, the purple smoke surrounding him dissipated, and he fell to the floor like any old scrap of paper. He disappeared in a ball of smoke like normal demons, leaving behind one, beautiful flower that remained for a moment and then winked out of existence.

"Tobi…" Ammy murmured. She blinked back tears. It was so unfair that he had to die for doing something he loved, much like Himiko…so unfair that even though she had infinite paper, none of them would be able to replace the Tobi they knew and loved.

"Dammit!" sniffed Link, throwing down his wand. "Ammy…let's go kick that Kyuubi's ass now. I want to do it now, while my anger is hot and fresh, got it?"

"I understand you perfectly, Link," Ammy said, feeling the desire for vengeance burning through her like a wave of lava. "For Himiko and Tobi!"

"FOR HIMIKO AND TOBI!" Link echoed, riding her back as they dashed up to the castle's summit, where they did not find a Kyuubi awaiting them.

"Where is he?" Link said harshly.

Ammy howled, remembering for some random reason that her howl could clear clouds away. Sure enough, they found a nine-pointed constellation hiding in the sky. Ammy filled in the dots and Ninetails appeared, cackling as he leapt down onto the flat surface of the summit.

"Ahahahaha, so you've come to challenge me again, have you, Amaterasu?" the Dark Lord rumbled. "But it seems you've aligned yourself on the wrong side. Through the power of Yami, Lord of Darkness, I have been made ruler of Ryoshima Coast. I rule justly, for justice always triumphs!"

"JUSTICE!" shrieked Link. "JUSTICE? You call murdering Himiko and killin' off your own servant because he followed his dreams JUSTICE?"

Ninetails sniffed. "I do not like that thing," he said, referring to Link. "Needless to say, Amaterasu, you needn't come all this way for me to kill you. You have been obstructing justice, and me and my jedis are here to prevent that!"

"I'm not seeing any jedis, Kyuubi," Ammy growled. "And this is a battle between two divine beings! You shouldn't have to hide behind your so-called jedis and your little fox mask! C'mon and show me what you've got, coward!"

Ninetails hissed. "You dare call me coward…you, who hides behind your pathetic little gods! I'll show you power, weakling!"

Ninetails dashed at Ammy, who dodged by using her favorite strategy—running around in circles around the area. Ninetails stuck his tails under the ground and the tips burst forth behind Ammy, trying to impale her. At last, the Kyuubi reached around for his sword and lifted it high into the air.

"Hey Ammy, doesn't that look like—"

"AN OPENING!" Ammy cried, already one step ahead. She aimed for the sword, taking a bit longer than usual because the Wii remote was acting up, and yelped when a red-tipped brush ran in a Galestorm pattern along the screen. "What the hell? I didn't know you had brush powers!"

Ninetials laughed. "We're fellow divine beings, aren't we?" He lunged.

Ammy dodged. They danced like this for a while, until Ninetails brought the sowrd up again and Ammy, prepared, stuck the blade with a powerful smite. The Kyuubi burst into tiny fox-ladies wearing colored shawls, whom Ammy recognized from the strip mall in the Water Dragon's stomach and surmised to be the Kyuubi's tails. They scurried towards her, wielding miniature lightsabes in their hands.

"Now that's just wrong!" she said, electrocuting them as they got close. The time ran out, and Ammy noticed that the Kyuubi only had five tails now. She kept up the pattern until only one tail was left, and Ninetails's mask shattered, taking the divine setting with it. Now she was battling an old, wiry fox on top of a castle, instead of the grand backdrop of swirling clouds and mountains. The fox moved quicker than the Kyuubi did, but Ammy dodged its attacks and powerslashed it when it turned gray after running around too much. She wanted to smite it, but was reduced to pwerslashing when she discovered that the swirling cloud battlefield had taken all the thunderclouds with it. At last, the fox fell to the ground, panting, and disintegrated into an evil, purplish black smoke.

"Hah…hah…hah…we did it…" Link said.

"Himiko and Tobi's deaths are avenged," Ammy agreed. "And my quest is complete." She grinned a little, relishing in the power of smiting.

Link glanced at her. "You seem to have sobered up a little now, though," he said.

She snorted. "And you would know about sobering up, wouldn't you?"

"I've had my fair share of sober days," he said with dignity.

"And you know what that means."

Link's eyes grew wide, and he began to drool. "SAKEEEEE?" he said hopefully.

Ammy grinned. "On me this time. You've proven yourself to be pretty useful, even if you do suck at nicknaming things."

"YAY!" Link cried, doing a celebratory jig.

"Alright Link, let's go back to Sei-An," Ammy said.

"We'll drink to Himiko and Tobi and Busty Babe and the Water Dragon and everyone else who died for this mission!" Link declared. That thought alone was sobering enough, but they were too excited to be finished with Ammy's quest and all that serious business that they didn't care. In high spirits they marched victoriously out of the demon's castle, determined to have a well-earned party of nothing but fun all night long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, apologies to Brendan Fraser. Ammy has no tact.


	25. Which is NOT an Intermission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waka imparts more unwanted wisdom. Link is kept from partying again. Ammy seeks ultimate godhood.

Ammy and Link didn't even get to the city before their well-earned party was already over. Waka appeared in front of them in a shower of sparkles, widening his arms and saying, " _Bonjour_!"

Link made a gagging noise. "You sure know how to spoil a mood, you half-baked prophet."

"How rude! I merely came to congratulate you!" Waka said, with mock hurt. "So I see you two have been on a little fox hunt, haven't you?"

"And I got the smiting power I wanted!" Ammy added. "Oh yeah, and the Kyuubi said something about being a jedi-master or whatever."

Waka sighed. "Yes. He's been convinced that his tails are jedis, and somehow that led him to believe that he was an ally of justice. But of course yours truly is the only genuine jedi-master you ever need to contend with, am I right, _ma cherie_?"

"I can't argue with the lightsaber," Ammy said.

"Cut it out, ya two-bit prophet, you're the last person we wanna see right now!" Link interceded.

"I don't mind seeing him," said Ammy, but Link pretended he hadn't heard that.

"Ya hear that? So get outta our way, we've got some mourning and partying to do!"

Waka raised an eyebrow. "Those two things seem awfully contradictory, my little bouncing friend," he said with amusement.

"Gah, it doesn't matter, seeing your face makes me sick!" Link cried. "Outta the way, or I'll slice those fancy pants o' yours apart with my newfound awesomeness!" He dashed forward threateningly and slashed the air with his wand.

"My my my, what a fabulous mood you're in today!" Waka said, parrying Link's wind attacks with his flute. "Your anger is enough to cloud the sky!"

As if on cue, thunder rumbled in the distance, and Ammy got her hopes up for some serious smiting business.

"See, I told you," Waka continued. "That thunder is coming from Shinshu Field (North)."

 _Damn,_ thought Ammy.

"It no doubt heralds the coming of a storm. Well, _ma cherie_ , I must bid you adieu. But first, let me leave you with this…"

"Spare us, would you?" Link muttered.

As always, Waka ignored him and danced around with his flute. "A shocking zap and it opens! Ah, it felt good to get that one off my chest. Oh, and another thing, Amaterasu…" He bent down close to whisper in her ear, and Link jumped up and down angrily, shouting some expletives that Ammy didn't bother listening to. "Your quest isn't over yet, you know." He stepped back and winked.

Ammy was perplexed. "But I achieved my quest already! Wait—!" She narrowed her eyes. "Unless you mean that quest Sakuya wants me to do, the one where I save Nippon or whatever ridiculousness this country's called."

Waka chuckled. "Heheheh, I know you, Amaterasu, and you are surely not satisfied leaving Nippon with that half-hearted smiting power of yours. There are other treasures out there for you that will make you even more godly than you already are." He teleported backwards to avoid being slashed by Link. "And there's still that secret of the stilettos, _ma cherie_!" he called. He waved a piece of paper in the air at them. "Now, I've marked the area of the thunderstorms on your map. You were planning on going there anyway, were you not? Testing out that weak little power of yours, I'll bet."

Ammy found herself blushing a little with embarrassment. Waka read her like she read gay fanfiction.

"What the hell? How'd you get that map?" Link demanded.

Waka smirked and pressed a finger to his lips, teasing them. "Now you see me, now you don't! _Au revoir_ , baby! I'll be waiting to reveal that secret!"

Ammy ran to pick up the map that had fallen to the ground when Waka disapparated.

"Hey, you're not goin', are ya?" Link said. "Don't listen to anything that half-baked prophet says! He's on a nefarious scheme to stop us from partying, I know it!"

"I _am_ bothered by what he said about other treasures, though," Ammy said. "He's right. This smiting power turned out to be more disappointing than I remembered it."

"DON'T BE TEMPTED," said Link.

But it was too late. Ammy had remembered something.

"Water Tablet!" she said, her eyes lighting up with a new fire. She raced off, leaving Link running after her.

"Hey hey hey, where'ya going, Furbrain?" he yelled.

"To the Emperor!" she replied, running through Sei-An at nighttime. "When I was looking through his wares I remembered the Water Tablet! It was out of order, last time I saw it, but it gives you Jesus-abilities, like walking on water and turning water into wine and stuff!"

Link's eyes too lit up with a new fire. "I'm all in on this one, then! FULL SPEED AHEAD, LET'S GET THAT WATER TABLET, BABY!"

"Why hello, my lucky wolfie!" the Emperor cried, delighted to see Ammy again. "And what would you like today?"

"Do you have the Water Tablet, by chance?" Ammy asked, scanning the wares. She found it in the Emperor's hands.

"I got this new shipment of Water Tablets recently!" the Emperor said. "It is a valuable item that enables the bearer to walk on water, among other things!"

"I'll take it!" said Ammy, but realized she didn't have nearly enough demon fangs. "Argh, damn!" she swore. "I thought I could buy it with all this money I've been earning, but noooo, it'd just _have_ to be with demon fangs, wouldn't it?"

So she Mermaid Fountained herself to Shinshu Field and battled a hundred small-fry imps, because harvesting demon fangs from imps was the easiest. With the Water Tablet purchased, she simply couldn't resist the urge to use it and walked on every surface of water she could find, relishing in the feeling of not ever having to draw lily pads ever again. She also checked up on her stray beads, which she realized she hadn't been diligent in finding.

"Hey Link, this says I'll get something good if I collect all the stray beads. Think it could be something godly?"

"I'd sure hope so, if you have to go around collecting 100 of them," Link said.

So Ammy looked up the location of all the stray beads up to that point on an online Okami walkthrough and set about collecting them.

"…So I guess we're really going to go to the north where that prophet said to go, huh?" asked Link after they had finished collecting stray beads.

"I don't think I have a choice," Ammy said. "I've barely gotten the chance to use my awesome new powers, and we have to do forward progress if I want to get something good for all 100 stray beads."

"Feh. Alright. I still have to pwn that prophet anyway," Link said, punching his palm. "I was never playing serious all those other times, you know."

"Of course," replied Ammy sarcastically as the two of them fountained themselves back to Ammy's favorite field in Japan.


	26. In Which There Seems to be an Awful Lot of Forgetfulness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy and Link receive an icy welcome. Oki monologues. Yoichi is there, I guess.

Shinshu Field, when they arrived, was delightfully stormy. Ammy usually preferred Shinshu in the daytime because she liked running around listening to the music, but every once in a while she enjoyed a good thunderstorm. Especially if that meant using the 12th brush power.

"Uwahahaha," she chuckled, drawing a line so that lightning struck the prongs of the strange tower.

"Err, how did we get up here?" Link asked, confused.

Ammy looked down at Shinshu Field, unable to remember exactly how they got onto the hill where the strange building sat overlooking Tama's house. She shrugged. "Meh. Does it really matter?"

Link appeared baffled for a moment, but then realized she was right. Ammy was squinting carefully at the map as the door opened, until Link said, "Hey Furbrain, don't strain yourself."

She glowered at him. "I was just thinking about something—"

"Yeah, I could see your brain breaking down from over-exertion."

Ammy snorted. When Link gave her an odd look, she said, "Sorry, I just thought you were talking about yourself."

While Link sorted through her not-so-subtle jab at his intelligence, she went on, "Anyway, I was just thinking that we're going to the north, right? So that must mean we're going to Hokkaido!"

"Huh? Hokkaido?" Link blinked. "Why's that so cool?"

"Wha—Hokkaido's just awesome! It's a snowy countryside with lots of cows and fields and...and I've always wanted to go there!"

Link snorted. "Cows and…fields? Pfffftttt!"

"…and I was going to say that Sapporo's well known for its sake, but since you're not interested…"

"INTERESTED," Link said, suddenly on her back without her knowing when he got there. "C'mon Ammy, into the dark, scary tunnel we go!"

Now, normally there is a little expanse of sea that separates Hokkaido from the main island of Honshu. This was still the case in Clover's Nippon, as Ammy and Link found out, when the tunnel they entered turned out to not be a tunnel at all but a part of the first shinkansen line going up to Hokkaido. Japan had the choice to create the first shinkansen line from Tokyo to Kyoto or Tokyo to Hokkaido, and while it would have been most convenient between the two capitals, ultimately sake and cows won out.

They boarded the shinkansen when it arrived, and it was a short ride through the tunnel up to the northern lands of Nippon, which Ammy insisted on calling Hokkaido despite being named Kamui.

As soon as they stepped off the shinkansen and out of the tunnel, they were buffeted by a torrent of snow.

"A-Ammy…" said Link, his teeth chattering. "I'm ha-having second th-thoughts about th-th-this Hokk-kk-kkaido place."

"Just think of warm sake and I'm sure you'll find it pleasurable," Ammy replied, although she had to admit it was a little colder than she would have liked. So they steeled themselves against the cold and set off in search of someplace warm. Fortunately they didn't have to look very long. In the nearest clearing, there was a little hut draped all over with heavy furs, and inside was a delightfully warm fire popping.

"Ahhhh, WARMTH…" sighed Link, flopping onto the floor beside the fire.

Ammy curled up too, relishing in the warmth and not being battered by the icy wind. She noticed that they were not alone in the hut, but she closed her eyes and pretended not to notice as the owner of the hut slowly stood up and drew a sword. She had to notice, however, when the owner of the hut, who was strangely wearing a lupine mask, jabbed her in the side with his sword.

"Ow, hey look, I'm sorry we're invading your house, but you're an awful host, you know that?" she complained.

The man with the mask shrugged apathetically and resumed his threatening stance, nodding towards the door before dashing outside.

Ammy curled herself back up by the fire. _Nice of him to leave me in peace by this fire, now,_ she thought contentedly. The two of them rested like that for a long time until they decided it was about time to go back into the cold and find a village or something, where they would receive some better hospitality at least.

"Wow, has he been standing like that this whole time?" Link said with a mixture of shock and disbelief. The man with the mask was standing perfectly still in a fighting stance with his silver sword held out in front of him, pointing directly at the entrance of the hut.

"Weird guy," Ammy muttered, aiming to skirt around him and get to the pass she noticed on the other side of the clearing. As soon as she stepped forward, he charged, giving her no choice but to attack back. "SELF-DEFENSE! SELF-DEFENSE!" she cried, slashing at random. He was a tough opponent, and she was glad when he was defeated.

"Whew…Wai—WHAT THE HELL?"

The weird man with the mask somersaulted backwards in midair and transformed into a large, blue and red wolf.

"OH SHITZ AMMY HE'S A WOLF LIKE YOU!" Link helpfully noted.

"I CAN SEE THAT!" Ammy shouted back at him. "NOW CAN I GET A LITTLE HELP, PLEASE? OH MY GOD!"

She cried out in horror when the wolf-man created two other wolves that shot ice an inch past her face. "OH MY GOD THIS GUY IS WAY TOO OVERPOWERED!"

With luck and random slinging of rosary beads, Ammy defeated the wolf-man, who promptly shifted back into the form of a regular weird man with a mask.

"…Not bad, white one," said the man in a deep, calm voice.

"HE TALKS, TOO!" gasped Ammy.

"…Of course I talk," said the man. "I am Oki, warrior of the Oina tribe. You…" He pointed his sword at Ammy.

"Hey, don't point that thing in my face, please," she said.

"You are not of our tribe. And yet, you are no mere wolf, either." He drew the sword back, much to Ammy's relief, and said, "What name do you go by?"

Link cleared his throat and stepped forward, obviously believing himself to be the master of introductions. "This brave and stunningly handsome young man you're staring at is Link, Himiko's avenger, hero of time, and conductor extraordinaire!" He did his windwaker dance for good measure. "Oh yeah, and that's Amaterasu, origin of all that's good and mother to us all, savior of Nippon, blah blah blah."

Oki stared intensely at Link, his crimson eyes shining out from underneath his mask.

"Uh…" said Link, "is there something wrong…?"

"I knew I recognized that annoying, self-impressed voice from somewhere," Oki said. "Amaterasu, was it? This companion you're traveling with used to be a Poncle named Issun."

"Yeah, I know," Ammy sighed. "And sometimes I wish he stayed that way."

"Self-impressed was a little too mean, Oki," Link pouted. "And why'd ya fight us, anyway, if you recognized me?"

Oki gazed into the distance, contemplating. "…I forget."

Link fell forward and facepalmed. "You _forget_?"

"And I forgot about you."

At this, Link pouted and steamed about how anyone could forget such an amazing person with such a wonderful personality, and to at least remember what this incredibly awesome young man _looked_ like, while Oki went off on a long monologue about his sword and his tribe and the ice or something like that.

"For a silent personality type, he sure talks a lot," Ammy said to Link when he reduced to sulking.

"That's cuz he's passionate about whatever the hell he's blabbering about," Link said. "And knowing him, it's probably something important that we'll need to know for later, but whatever."

Oki's tone turned bitter and determined, and Ammy figured he was now talking about some goal of his or something.

"…and that is why I must fight the demons—to make Kutone shine once more!"

"Yeah yeah," Link yawned. "But hey, Oki, didn't the chief say that no one was to touch the sacred sword under any circumstances?"

Oki turned his head away again and stared up into the clouds. "…It must have slipped my mind."

"…Right," said Ammy. "Anyway, we'll catch you in the village later. Good luck with that whole shining thing. And don't point that sword at me again."

They left Oki standing in his clearing and headed off through the little pass, only to find another cursed zone on the other side.

"Damn, I didn't think they'd get this far north!" Ammy said. In the corner of her eye, she noticed a patch of thunderclouds and temporarily forgot all else.

"Hey look, Ammy, it's the apple guy!"

"What?" Ammy said, irritated at being distracted from her lightning. She noticed Yoichi standing in the snowdrift, shooting arrows at a large rock.

"Hey apple-man, what're you doin' so far north?" Link asked, striking up a conversation to get some food, no doubt.

"Oh! Why hello, friends!" Yoichi replied merrily. "As to what I am doing here in the snow…well, I kind of forget the reason." He laughed. "But it's rather refreshing, don't you think?"

"Sure," said Ammy, who drew a line from the lightning to Yoichi's arrow. The lightning arrow pierced the rock and magically burst it open, revealing one of Sakuya's Guardian Saplings.

"What the—!" Yoichi cried. "Now my arrows bring on thunder?"

"Lightning, actually," Ammy corrected. "And I don't see why that's a problem, personally."

"Why I think I—I think I—" Yoichi's eyes rolled up and he fainted into the snow. Ammy and Link stared at him.

"Should we leave him there?" Link asked.

Fortunately for Yoichi, Ammy was feeling in one of her more generous moods. "Nah. Let's put him inside." They dragged him into his hut, and once Ammy bloomed the tree and dispelled the cursed zone, they headed off to the village of Wep'keer to find some fine hospitality and fire and food.


	27. Which Has a Sad Lack of Hospitality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy and Link meet some familiar faces. Link has a hard time being recognized. Samickle chases away some intruders.

"Hok~kaido! Hok~kaido!" Ammy sang, getting distracted by the snow and all the new animals to feed. "Ooh, foxes!" She strayed towards the foxes, thinking Wep'keer was in that general direction anyway. "Ooh, a dog and a rabbit!" she said, but when she got closer she saw that it was just Ume and Kokari.

"Hey kid! I didn't even recognize you when you weren't crying!" said Link, slapping Kokari on the back.

Kokari grinned. "That's because my luck has changed ever since I met the two of you!" he said. "I've decided to take charge of my life in my own hands and become a real man like Susano!"

Ammy snorted. "Sorry to ruin the image of your hero, kid, but Susano's not the greatest role model."

Kokari didn't seem to hear her. "You know, I liked the river of Agata Forest, but there's nothing like this harsh, icy sea of Kamui," he continued. "It's so vast, it makes my whole life seem insignificant!"

"That seems strangely pessimistic and so grown-up at the same time," Link sniffed thoughtfully. "Hey Furbrain, are we leaving or what? This road obviously doesn't lead to Wep'keer."

Ammy gave up trying to force-feed Ume again and went to inspect the nearby building, which turned out to be another one of Onigiri-Sensei's studios. It was sadly empty, just like the one on the island off Ryoshima Coast. Probably because no one wanted to walk all the way there in the snow.

"Why hello, wolfie!" he crooned.

"God, how'd you even _get_ to this god-forsaken place from your other god-forsaken place?" Ammy said, flabbergasted.

"I'm soooo glad you've stopped by again!" he went on, ignoring her. "No one has come near my studio besides that boy, but all he wants to do is freeze off his buttocks and fish." He shook his head and clucked. "Such a waste of potential."

Ammy wondered if Oki ever stopped by, and she pictured him stretching by the mirror in tights. It was hilarious.

"You know, you could get more business if you put your studio somewhere not so isolated," Link suggested.

"You obviously don't understand the importance of isolation in dance," Onigiri-Sensei said, sniffing. "It is an art that requires all the attention of the body and soul. And you—" His eyes glinted and his head spun around until it was upside-down again. "YOU WILL LEARN THE BEAUTY OF DANCE!"

He chased after Ammy and Link with his stick, and Ammy had to rely on her past dancing skills to evade his attacks.

"BUT I DIDN'T SAY THE F-WORD THIS TIME!" Link cried.

Ammy decided to revert to drastic measures and jumped around to face Onigiri-Sensei as he came running at them, trying to force them to learn dance and give him all her hard-earned money. Drawing back all her strength, she gave him a mighty headbutt that spun his head back to a docile old man.

"Whoo," he said, gripping his head. "Well, wolfie, you certainly have shown me your skills. I am more impressed than you could ever know. There is nothing left for me to teach you, wolfie."

"What about those pirouettes?" Ammy asked hopefully.

Onigiri-Sensei smiled indulgently and patted her head. "That is for another day, and for paying customers only," he said.

"Dammit, everyone's holding out on me," she grumbled. "No stilettos…No pirouettes…" She and Link left the little area with Kokari and the studio and saw a trail leading up to Wep'keer on the other side of the frozen river.

"Shaweet, hot fires and blankets!" Link celebrated. They ran up to the village, slightly out of breath by the time they reached the top. Wep'keer was very pretty and reminded Ammy of a winter wonderland.

"It's like they're in perpetual Christmas!" she said.

"Yeah, except I've told you, Christmas isn't a holiday in Nippon yet," said Link, sounding very much like Sakuya. Ammy stuck out her tongue at him. She slipped around on the ice for a bit, feeding all the cranes and blooming the clovers before finally heading up the steps to meet the rest of the Oina tribe.

"Hey, what's with the villagers? It's like no one's home," Link said when Ammy tried entering all the huts.

"No, we've been able to enter empty buildings before," Ammy replied, frowning at the door she had just tried to enter. "This is more like they're inside and locking us out."

They reached the top and finally saw another living person, much to their relief. Ammy was starting to think that Wep'keer was a ghost town or something. Ammy and Link walked towards the man (and more importantly, the promise of fire and blankets through the door behind him) but the man (who was also wearing a strange mask) thrust his hand at them and said, "Halt! This is the house of the village elder! Those who want to speak to the elder must go through me, Samickle, the top warrior of the Oina tribe!"

"I thought Oki was the top warrior of the Oina tribe," Ammy said to Link, who was busy snickering about the ridiculousness of a name like Samickle.

Unfortunately, Samickle heard them both, and he was not impressed. "Outsiders! Begone if you have no business here!" He somersaulted backwards, turning into a lavender wolf just as Oki had turned into a navy wolf. "Begone, I said!" he barked.

"Hey Samickle guy, I know you're bitter at the world for having a horrendous name, I mean, I know _I_ would be, but that's no reason to take it out on us!" Link said.

Samickle stopped growling at them and pricked up his ears. "That grating voice, that tactlessness…is that…Issun?"

Link clenched his jaw. "How many people are going to keep _saying_ that? AND I'M NOT ISSUN ANYMORE!"

Samickle ignored his ranting. "What in heaven's name _happened_ to you?" he said, aghast.

"Plastic surgery," Ammy replied, and Samickle shivered.

"Horrific," he muttered, but then his eyes hardened again. "In any case, I cannot let you pass. Normally we don't even let strangers into the village. I warned the villagers not to let anyone into their houses."

"Huh. Some hospitality," Link grumbled.

"And at Christmastime, too!" Ammy muttered.

"…and they will listen to me, for I am chief of Wep'keer!" Samickle proclaimed, turning into a human so he could glare at them with his hands on his hips.

"CHIEF?" Link gaped. "Why'd they pick a stickler like you?" A thought suddenly struck him, and his eyes widened with shock. "Wait, does that mean old man Kemu's DEAD?"

"Of course he's not dead, idiot!" Samickle barked, having turned back into a wolf with sharp teeth, all the better to bite visitors with. "He has been greatly weakened battling the demons. Now they're trying to finish him off since he's the only one who can recite the Volcanic Incantation. That is why I became chief of the village. I must protect the elder from monsters lurking around every corner! And that could mean this suspicious wolf you're traveling with!" Samickle snarled at Ammy, who snarled back.

"Fine, we'll find somewhere else to get our fire and blankets, thank-you-very-much!" Ammy snapped. "Link, let's go."

Ammy didn't know exactly what she was going to do now, but she figured she might as well go out and look for some more stray beads. She went to exit the village, but a voice called out and stopped her.

"Wait up you two!"

A slender brown wolf with swinging brown pigtails caught up to them, panting.

"Hey, it's Kai!" Link said. "It's been a while, hasn't it? _You_ of all people recognize me, right?"

The wolf named Kai tilted her head, confusion in her eyes. "Is that…Issun?"

"Why is everyone so surprised?" Link muttered, exasperated.

"I haven't seen you in ages, Issun!" Kai barked happily. "Oh, but you should come with me. You'll freeze if you stay outside too long. Why don't you come rest at my place?"

"My savior!" said Link, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Finally, some hospitality we deserve!" Ammy added, tears streaming down her cheeks as well. She was only too happy to follow Kai back up the steps of Wep'keer, with the prospect of warmth and food so close. _The stray beads can wait,_ she thought. Besides, it was Christmas, and Christmas was a time for hospitality and warmth, not searching for treasure.

"Lead the way, Kai!" Link cheered, and the trio marched through the village.


	28. In Which Ammy Gets Suckered into Doing Numerous Things that She Does Not Want to Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy gets guilt-tripped. Link regrets his decisions. Kai is waifu.

Kai led them to her house, which held everything Ammy and Link had been hoping for since coming to Kamui. The hut was chock full of blankets and food, complete with roaring fire in the fireplace.

"Whew!" Kai said, shaking out her coat. "The cold is much more bearable inside, isn't it? Wow, it sure has been a while, Issun. How have you been?"

"It's Link now," he corrected. "I starred in my own game a while back and came to help out this furbrain here. Her name's Amaterasu, by the way, but she prefers Ammy."

"Thank you, Link, but I can speak for myself," Ammy said.

Kai fixed her eyes on Ammy. "Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Amaterasu! I don't think I introduced myself properly. I'm Kai." She flipped backwards and turned into a young girl with long brown pigtails and a deer mask.

Ammy was both envious and awed by the Oina at the same time. She wished she could turn into a human too, and then realized that she probably could if she wanted to because she was a god. She did a backflip in midair like she saw Oki, Samickle, and Kai do, and landed on her head.

"Ouch, dammit," she muttered. "Clover really doesn't want me to have _any_ of my rightful godly powers, do they?"

"It takes lots of practice," Kai offered helpfully.

"So, Kai, what's with the whole deal about demons and this awful blizzard?" Link asked. "Chief of the sticks-up-their-asses Samickle over there wouldn't let us into any huts because of it!"

Kai's eyebrows furrowed with disconcertion. "Yes, the demons…" She turned her head from side to side, trying to find the right words to start explaining the complicated problem. "No one knows for certain, but one day, the twin demons Lechku and Nechku who were sealed on the twin peaks of Ezofuji suddenly stirred and went berserk, which caused this terrible blizzard. Kemu went out to pacify them, but they nearly killed him. Samickle managed to get to him on time and bring him back, but the demons are still all over Kamui, and the blizzard has gotten even harsher." She sighed heavily. "So you see, we're in a very bad situation here."

"Oh yeah, I have another question," Link said. "What's Oki doing with the sacred sword? I tried to bring it with me when I left a year ago, but old man Kemu flipped out, so I don't get why _he_ can take it and not me."

"Oh, you two met Oki?" said Kai. "He's a little difficult to understand at times, but he's a nice man. I'm sure he means well. He took the sacred sword and left as soon as this whole business started, saying that he would use it to save the village. Personally I think no one could handle that many demons, but he's very determined." She sighed again.

"Wow, lucky bastard," Link grumbled. "Is that why ol' Sammie's got his tail in a twist?"

"Well, everyone's angry at Oki for taking the sword like that," Kai explained. "But…Samickle would never say this, but…" Her eyes gained a strange glint that Link recognized from Ammy's fanciful imaginings. "He believes in Oki more than anyone else. He's convinced Oki will come back and help the village. _I_ think he's being like that because he's just concerned for Oki's safety, personally. Oh my!" she gasped. "I'm such a horrible host! I completely forgot to ask you if you wanted tea!"

Ammy and Link were so happy they could have died. "Yes please~"

She bustled to the fire and was busy pouring tea while Ammy smiled at Link and said, "She's cute, isn't she? Make a nice wife."

Link yawned. "Nah. Not my type."

"Oh. Right." She rolled her eyes. "I forgot your type was the older woman with breasts."

"Here's your tea!" Kai said.

For the second time that day, Ammy found tears streaming down her cheeks. "Kai…I wish you were my wife…"

"Oh no, being a wife is the last thing on my mind!" Kai replied, blushing happily. She recovered from the happiness and suddenly appeared very downcast. "You see, aside from all the stuff that's been happening recently, my sister Lika also disappeared."

"Little Lika? No way!" Link cried. "Although I can kinda understand why, I mean, that girl's got the makings of a fine babe if I've ever seen one."

"No, Issun, it's not that…" Kai said, continuing on above Link's indignant, "It's LINK." "You see, Lika holds the fate of this village in her hands!"

The silence that hung in the air after Kai's dramatic statement was broken by a long howl from somewhere in the distance.

"Oh! That's Kemu's howl!" exclaimed Kai. "It seems he's convinced Samickle to let him talk to you two. You guys had better get to his hut! I'll see you later, Amaterasu and Issun!"

"GAH IT'S LINK, LINK!" Link complained as they made their way back up to the elder's house. "Kai's a nice girl and all, but she's pretty dense sometimes, you know? Hey, Sammie, you gonna let us pass this time?" Link glowered up at Samickle, who stood next to the door with a sour expression on his face, as if letting them through was giving him heartburn.

"The elder has summoned you," he said simply. Ammy expected a mock bow, but then realized that it was too much to hope for from someone so uptight. _He and Sakuya should get together sometime,_ she thought, but unfortunately neither of them were each other's type.

Kemu was more the type Sakuya liked, Ammy thought as she looked down at the pot-bellied old man conked out on the floor.

"What the hell? He's asleep? Did he howl to us in his dreams or something?" Link asked.

"Weird old man," Ammy agreed.

All of a sudden, Kemu leapt up, startling Ammy and Link. "Eh? Who wazzat bad-mouthing me? Methinks some hides need to be tanned!" He ran straight at Ammy with his fist held high, prepared to strike.

"No, don't do that—STAY AWAY, OLD MAN!" she shrieked, running around the cooking pot. "MOVE, FREAKING COOKING POT! WAAAAGH!" Kemu had changed directions and was now closer to her again.

"FACE YOUR FEARS, AMMY!" Link yelled.

"EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, YOU COWARD!" Ammy replied, since Link had dived into a huge pile of blankets to avoid being caught. Then she remembered Onigiri-Sensei, and turned around to give the hide-tanning old man a good headbutt.

"Whew!" he said, shaking his head. "What happened? Was that a dream? Was I sleepwalking again?"

"So you even tan hides in your sleep, old man?" Link cried, his voice muffled from the blankets.

"Issun, did I just hear a smart-ass comment of yours?" frowned Kemu, sniffing the air.

"God dammit, it's Link now, LINK LINK LINK!" he said, emerging from his hiding place scowling.

Kemu snorted and gave Link a quick glance over. "Huh. You may have changed your appearance, boy, but you're still the same old annoying bug to me!"

Link went back to his corner to pout, while Kemu talked business with Ammy.

"Feh. It was the white wolf I wanted to speak to anyway," he said at Link, then turned to Ammy. "You've no doubt heard this from Kai, but her little sister Lika went missing. She may be just a little girl, but it is vital that we get her back. You see, Lika has gained a spiritual power far beyond my own. Every year, I normally recite the Volcanic Incantation, which triggers an eruption from Ezofuji that warms the land of Kamui…"

Something about the way old men talk made Ammy's consciousness start to drift away, and so she didn't hear anything more than that until Kemu said, "…and that is why we need you to go into Yoshpet, the forest of deception."

"Woah, wait, there seems to be a logical leap from a little girl with spiritual powers to going into some dark scary forest," Ammy said.

"Except we think that is exactly where she might be found," said Kemu, and at last Ammy put the pieces together and knew what he was asking her to do.

"No. Nope. No way," she said. "This smells like convoluted quest for the sake of humanity, and I don't do those. Sorry."

Kemu sighed. "Tuskle warned me you would say something like that…"

"What about little Lika!" Link said. "C'mon Ammy, you're not so mean as to let a little girl get eaten up by demons, are you?"

Ammy glared at him. He grinned back, so Ammy powerslashed him and he ducked under the blankets.

"Are you sure you will not help us?" Kemu pleaded. "You are the only one who can!"

"What about the other villagers?" Ammy pointed out.

"Chief Samickle must remain here to protect the village, and Oki is out on some fool's errand. You are the only one left!"

"There's still Kai," Ammy said.

Kemu scratched his stomach. "Well yes…but Kai's a girl. I can't ask a girl to do this job."

Link snickered. Ammy scowled.

"Anyway, I will open the gates leading to Laochi Lake. You should find what you need from the shamaness who lives there, Tuskle. Good luck to you," Kemu said, pushing them towards the door.

"I didn't even agree to do anything yet!" Ammy protested, but Kemu was a strong old man, and they were out the door before she could finish.

"Damn old man," she muttered, sulking up the slope to the lake.

She reluctantly walked up the path around the lake that lead to a heavily gated shrine and, next to it, a small, square little hut.

"I know who you are," said the tall, skinny woman when Ammy entered. She was by far the strangest of the Oina, not because she wore an owl's mask and said a strange greeting, but because on the branches of her mask perched two live owls that were both colored very unnatural colors and had the tendency to move their wings whenever she talked. "That divine look of yours is unmistakable! You're the legendary Shiranui, aren't you?"

"Some shaman _you_ are," Link scoffed. "I don't know who this Shiranui person is, but this here's Amaterasu!"

"Shiranui was my past self, Link," Ammy said. " _You're_ the fool here."

"And look! Issun!" Tuskle warbled. "My, you've changed a lot, but you can't fool my inner eye!"

"And _my_ past self was Issun, so can we all start calling me Link now, everyone?" he asked, exasperatedly throwing his hands up in the air.

"So, Shiranui," Tuskle began, piercing Ammy with her ebony eyes. "Kemu told you what you must do, yes?"

"He told me," she said, "but I didn't agree to it. Er, not yet, at least," she added, so as not to sound callous.

"Hmm…" mused Tuskle. "Shiranui, was there someone in your past who made a fuss about rules and quests and such?"

"Er, yes," Ammy said, not sure where the shamaness was going with this.

"I see…" Tuskle said, closing her eyes. "Shiranui, you are a very free spirit. You like to do things as they come to you. Being bound by rules is not something you take to very kindly." She opened her eyes again and nodded sagaciously. "Yes, I can understand why you are not eager to undertake this quest. But Shiranui, you are also a person who cannot rest when things are left undone, is that correct?"

Ammy nodded, feeling slightly squeamish at being understood so easily by a complete stranger, but then again, that's what psychiatrists and shamans are paid to do.

"These two feelings—of wanting to disregard the rules and do things your own way, and of wanting to solve problems satisfactorily—seem to be opposing each other, which is why you are so reluctant right now to go search for Miss Lika. Because you don't know which one to feel, you don't want to take any action."

"Um, yeah, I guess," said Ammy, who was getting confused.

Tuskle smiled. "Well, that is easy enough to solve!" she said. "Of course only you have control over your actions and feelings, Shiranui. No one else can make you do something that you do not want to do. I will not force you to go into Yoshpet and look for Lika." She stood back, smiling serenely, her hands folded in front of her.

Ammy was baffled. "But—but if I don't, then she'll never be found, won't she?"

"Oh, that is not for certain, Shiranui," Tuskle said. "If you choose not to look for her, then there is nothing I can do. We may pray for her safe return, and she might come back to us. But I will not hurry you for a decision."

"Damn, I feel bad now," Ammy said. "Alright. I'll go look for Lika."

Tuskle's eyes lit up and she bowed. "Oh thank you, benevolent Shiranui! You are the savior of the Oina!"

"No problem, I guess…" she said.

"Ammy, you're such a good person," said Link, who had wrapped himself up in more blankets and was sitting on a large stack of them. "Going out there in the woods all by yourself, searching for a lost little girl."

Ammy grinned wolfishly. "Oh no, you're coming with me, Link."

"What? NOOOO!" he said, his eyes wide with horror. "NOOO, DON'T TAKE ME TO THAT PLACE, AMMY! DON'T TAKE ME THERE!"

"Hey, if I'm going, you're going too," she reminded him. "We're a team, remember?"

"Not in this case, we're not!" he whined.

Tuskle interrupted to hand Link a wooden amulet, who looked down at it as if he were about to faint. "We have sealed the entrance of Yoshpet, because it is too dangerous," she explained. "Take this sacred amulet, Sewaprolo. It will allow you to pass through the gates unhindered and enter into Yoshpet. Good luck to you, great Shiranui."

"Alright Link, time to go!" Ammy said cheerfully, dragging him out into the snow.

"NOOOOOOOOO," he wailed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Fine. You're going to get your pants wet, though," she told him, because if she was going to be suckered into doing something, then at least she was taking him with her, dammit.


	29. Which is Full of Evil Ents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy fights some trees (or maybe a lot of trees). Waka shows up again. Link leads an army.

"Why, Amaterasu!" Kai said as they approached the exit to the village. "Did you talk with Kemu?"

"Yeah, and he suckered me into helping find your sister," she said, but quickly added, "Not that that's any trouble, of course. My psychiatrist says that I enjoy forward progress."

Kai's face was frozen in a politely confused expression, indicating that she didn't really understand anything Ammy had said but was going along with it anyway.

"Does this mean you're going to Yoshpet, then?" she asked, at which Link proceeded to wail and clutch at her dress.

"KAI SAVE ME, I WON'T GO BACK, I WON'T GO BACK!"

"I was wondering about that," Kai said. "You can stay with me while Amaterasu goes, then."

Link wept with joy. "Oh Kai, you're my savior, my savior…"

Kai smiled pityingly at him and patted his head. "Alright, Amaterasu, shall we go?"

Link perked up. "Wait, but I thought you weren't going to Yoshpet?" he said, with a little whine in his voice.

"Kemu asked me to lead Amaterasu there," she said. "Since I'm the only Oina who knows the way. I met Issun there when I was lost in the forest as a little girl," she said to Ammy. "I've known the paths through Yoshpet ever since. Okay, let's be off!" She backflipped into a wolf, and Link, who had been clutching her skirts, got flung onto her back. "I'll meet you there when you're ready, Amaterasu!"

Ammy followed in the direction Kai ran, fought some giant monsters, and entered the eastern part of the forest. She found Link there, who had presumably freaked when Kai entered the forest and ran off.

"I'm going, I'm going!" he said when Ammy prepared to grab him if he tried to escape. "Kai's too small and fast, so I fell off. Don't look at me like that, it's the truth!" He drew himself up as stately as he could despite his shivering. "I've decided to face my fear. I'll go in, but when you get there, I'm staying well away, got it?"

Ammy had no idea what he was talking about, but said, "Sure," anyway.

"Kai's just up ahead…oh god…" Link said, his face twisting into a look of disgust and disbelief. "It's _you_."

"Hm?" Waka turned around at hearing Link's voice. "Why, Amaterasu!"

Link muttered something dark under his breath.

Waka smirked. "I didn't mean to ignore you, my little bouncing friend, I just noticed that you seemed to be in a bad mood. Now that you mention it…" He looked up, pondering. "It seems like every time I talk to you, you're in a foul mood. I might start thinking you're like this all the time!"

"Oh, shut it, ya half-baked prophet," Link snapped.

He chuckled and then turned to Ammy. "What is it you are looking for now, _ma cherie_? I am still looking for you-know-what. But this cold is making things difficult."

"Does this face look like it cares?" Link interjected. "Now get outta our way, or tell us some answers, like what you're _really_ doin' here!"

"What I'm really doing here?" Waka repeated, bemused. " _Excusez-moi_ , but I have no idea what you're talking about. I have told you before, have I not? I'm searching for a path to the heavens. You could call me a seeker of the eternal heavens, of sorts." He smiled infuriatingly.

"Oh, I get it now!" Link said, gaining steam for his conspiracy theory. "You're planning a wolf murder, aren't you!"

Ammy's jaw dropped. "Link, how do you even come up with these things?"

But Link was in full-blown conspiracy mode, and nothing anyone said could reach him. He spouted, "…Then you're gonna take Ammy's place in heaven! Well, we're onto you, you bastard, so don't think you can get away with it!"

Waka's face was one of complete shock. For once, he couldn't parry Link's arguments because of the sheer ridiculousness of his statement.

"HA, I've hit the nail on the head, haven't I?" Link said smugly. "See? You're speechless!"

Waka burst up laughing. "AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, this is too much! Amaterasu, this little friend of yours is priceless! AHAHAHAHA!"

"You promised me stilettos the next time I saw you," she reminded, determined to get _something_ out of this trip to Hokkaido, and if she wasn't learning pirouettes, it'd better be stilettos.

"Patience, _ma cherie_ , I'll tell you in due time," Waka said, wiping tears from his eyes. "And you misunderstand me, my little bouncing friend. The path to the heavens I seek is nothing so vulgar as that. My path to the heavens slumbers here in Kamui. On a certain specific ark, in fact. You know what I'm talking about, Amaterasu."

"My memory might be jogged if I get some concrete answers concerning stilettos."

Waka smiled affectionately at her. "Oh, this is why I love you, _mon cherie_ ," he said, tapping her on the nose with his flute and smoothly sidestepping the issue once again. "Well, I must bid you _adieu_. No need for any prophecies this time. _Au revoir_!" Link lunged forward to stop him, but ended up grasping at sparkles.

"That damn bastard!" he swore, shaking his fist.

"Amaterasu! Issun! Is that you?" Kai ran towards them in her human form. "I've been waiting for you. Issun, I thought I lost you! Are you alright?"

"If you don't count broken pride, I'm completely fine," he sniffed, gathering the shreds of his dignity. "And no offense or anything, Kai, but I'm gonna ride on Ammy's back this time."

"Okay," she said, and then her eyes lit up as she talked about Yoshpet, which was obviously a passionate subject for her. Ammy and Link nodded in all the right places with their eyes glazed over until Kai's short history lesson was over and she proceeded to lead them through the forest. "…But in the middle of the forest there's a special place," she went on, running slightly in front of them. "I had something of a connection with it when I was small, which is why I know the way. Right, Issun?" She looked back at him and smiled. He groaned softly. "Anyway, there's a chance Lika might be there. Oh, and watch out for the trees. They like to throw things at you."

She jumped nimbly as one of said trees flung a giant, pink fruit their way. It hit Ammy.

"Ouch, stupid tree!" she growled, and power slashed the fruit back at it.

"We must hurry, Amaterasu!" Kai called, dashing ahead. "We Oina cannot remain here long, and I doubt you can either!"

"Oh, I think I can," Ammy said. "I'm a god, after all." But then she noticed the timer at the top of the screen, and remembered that Clover had a thing against giving her her rightfully full potential of godly powers. "Damn you, Clover," she said, scowling at the tree tops, until another fruit smashed into her face.

"DAMN YOU, EVIL ENTS!" she shouted.

"Ammy, we're gonna die in here if you don't hurry up," said Link.

"I'll be back to deal with you later," she told the trees, running and jumping to catch up with Kai.

They reached the end, and Ammy said, "Hey, that wasn't too bad." Until she realized that there was a whole other part of the forest they needed to clear. This part, unfortunately, _was_ bad. Huge icicles fell in her way, threatening to impale and freeze her at the same time. The trees didn't let up any, either, making the journey challenging and frustrating.

"ANOTHER FREAKING PART OF THE FOREST?" she exclaimed with dismay as Kai dodged giant snowballs rolling down the hill. "AND WHO THE HELL IS ROLLING THESE SNOWBALLS?" She looked up at the crest of the hill and thought she saw strangely humanoid figures. "Of course it would be the Clover staff," she muttered, narrowing her eyes. "YOU'RE LUCKY THERE'S NO LIGHTNING CLOUDS HERE, CUZ OTHERWISE YOU'D ALL BE DEAD!"

"Look out!" Kai called, just in time for Ammy to dodge a snowball that was coming around the corner.

She sprinted through the snowball area and out of the line of fire as fast as she could, only to be impaled by a falling icicle.

"You know, this isn't my idea of fun," she complained bitterly when the ice broke.

"We never should've come," Link agreed, sighing. "But of course you had to play the hero, as usual…"

The next time she saw a tree begin to spin its fruit at them, she chucked Link at it. Neither the tree nor Link seemed to appreciate that very much.

"DAMN, YOU, AMMY, GET BACK HERE!" he steamed. "TREE, ATTACK!"

Link had only meant for the tree to throw its fruit at her, but the incensed tree had better plans in mind. The earth groaned as it tore its roots from the ice-covered ground and took a great, lumbering step forward. "H—Holy shitz!" Link exclaimed, his eyes wide. The ent seemed to bear no ill will towards him, having decided that they were both victims of a wrongdoing. It scooped Link up into its arms and set him in a comfortable position on its branches, then proceeded to stalk after Ammy. Luckily for her, it moved too slow to catch up, but the sight of one of their kind walking had moved the other ents from the ground as well, so that before long, an entire army of evil ents fell into formation behind her.

Link recovered quickly from his instinctual fear of the walking trees and, having apparently been selected as their leader, called out to his army to get back at the white wolf.

"How d'ya like it now, Ammy? Now that the tides have turned against you!" He laughed hysterically.

"Call them off, Link!" she shouted.

"Why? Scared?" he taunted back.

"It's not that…" Ammy said, although they _were_ frightening, but she never would've admitted it to Link. "We've made it to a clearing, and I don't think all your ents will fit."


	30. Which is Link's Worst Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A beloved item makes a reappearance. Ammy visits an old friend. Link commits manslaughter.

Link reluctantly called off his ents and stayed near the edge of the little clearing they had just entered. It was hard to believe the clearing was smack-dab in the middle of a murky forest that threw fruits and snowballs in their path, especially considering that it was green with grass and hosted families of the most harmless animals in existence, except for perhaps the wild pigs, because they can get nasty sometimes.

"Here we are," Kai breathed, changing into a human. "Wow, after all this time, it sure hasn't changed a bit!" She turned around to beam at them. "Ponc'tan, home of the Poncles!"

Link stared at the tree stump in the center with an unreadable expression. "I'm tempted to get the ents to destroy it…" he mumbled.

Ammy finally pieced everything together. "Oh, this is your hometown!" she said. "Back before you got plastic surgery, when you were Issun!"

Link grimaced. "Don't remind me, Furbrain."

"Yeah, I bet Ishaku isn't so happy about that…" she mused. "Stealing his paintings and selling them to get surgery…"

"Hey, gotta get the money somehow," shrugged Link.

"Amaterasu," Kai said. "Kemu said he sensed Lika's presence here. We have to find her before the Day of Darkness so that she can recite the Volcanic Incantation, or all of Kamui will freeze over!"

"Got it. Look for Lika," Ammy said. She swung her head to stare at Link.

"Huh? No way, I said I'd come this far, but I'm not goin' in!" he said, shaking his head vehemently. "Ouch, hey, where are you taking me? NO, NO, DON'T DO THAT, AMMY…ENTS! ENTS! I'M BEING ASSAULTED!" The ents lumbered toward Ammy with their long, twiggy fingers outstretched, and, not wanting to be strangled to death by walking trees, Ammy let Link go.

"Coward," she barked.

"Suits me fine, thank-you-very-much!" Link retorted, retreating to the safety of his ent army. "Oh look, you're too big to get inside the tree stump, what a shame. Lika's obviously not here, guys. Okay, let's go." As soon as he said it and started to turn around, down from the trees bounced a familiar-looking mushroom.

"Lucky mallet!" Ammy cried joyfully, while Link scowled and rubbed his head in memory of his last meeting with the mushroom-shaped mallet. "I never thought we'd see you again! How'd you get here?"

"I come whenever I am needed," replied the mallet in its mushy voice. "Ready, milady?"

"Yep," she said, glancing back at Link with her sad, puppy-dog eyes.

He snorted. "Those eyes don't work on me, Furbrain, I've known you too long to be tricked."

"Well, you suck," she said, and let the mallet work its magic.

Color assaulted Ammy's eyes as soon as she entered Ponc'tan. Thick, bright green vines twisted through the center of the village, intertwined with red and yellow leaves that decorated the bridges and doorways. A giant mushroom sprouted from the center in the middle of a pool of water. The village was insanely tiny and isolated. Ammy could understand why Link hated the place. No hot babes or parties.

Not quite sure where to start snooping around for signs of Lika, Ammy headed to the right up a spider web bridge and met a little girl with yellow butterfly wings on her head.

"Wow, you're awfully small for a wolf!" the girl said. "You're the first visitor that isn't a Poncle!"

"That might be because not everyone has a Lucky Mallet," Ammy suggested, but without Link to translate, the girl didn't hear.

"My name's Miya," the little girl continued. "Pleased to meet you, wolfie!"

Since she couldn't be heard, Ammy decided trying to talk to the Poncle girl would be useless and began to head back to find the one person she had actually come to Ponc'tan for, but then the girl said something that made her stop.

"You know, there was a lost child in the woods the other day," Miya said. "She wandered even deeper through the forest and disappeared through the Spirit Gate, looking possessed. I followed her because I was worried, and watched the Spirit Gate swallow her up!" She shivered at the memory. "They say opening the Spirit Gate invites misfortune. Do you think I should tell the elder, wolfie?"

"Nah, I'll take care of it for you," Ammy said. "I'm on that mission anyway. Do you know where I could find the elder, by the way?"

But all Miya heard was a bunch of barks, and, taking that to be a no, she remained where she was, talking to herself reassuringly.

"Oh, nevermind," Ammy grumbled, stepping outside and heading up the path to the left.

Two brown-clothed guards stood erect as she approached them.

"Hold it right there!" said one.

"Are you some kind of wolf?" said the other stupidly.

"No duh," said Ammy, rolling her eyes.

"Well, you can't be an ordinary wolf if you've gotten into Ponc'tan," said the smarter one.

"We demand that you introduce yourself!" the dimmer guard said.

"Yeah, that'd be great, if only you could understand me, which you obviously don't. Can I talk to Ishaku, please?" she said, beginning to run low on patience.

"Hmm…That's weird. We can usually understand animals…" said the dim guard, scratching his head.

"Yeah…but I think I remember this wolf from somewhere…" the other one replied.

"Yeah…those markings and that weapon…I think I've seen them from somewhere before, too…"

"Probably not," Ammy said. "I don't like associating myself with guards. If they're not dim-witted, then they're strange."

"Ah, I got it!" said the relatively smarter guard. "You look just like the wolf on the scroll in Chief Ishaku's house!"

The other guard's features slowly lit up as the implications sunk in. "OOOOH! So does that mean you're a friend of Ishaku's?"

"Give him a cookie," Ammy said.

"Well then, go right on in, Mister Wolf!" said the not-so-much-brighter guard.

"Don't give him any trouble!" warned the not-so-much-dimmer guard, thoroughly enjoying his cookie.

Ammy entered the room, where she found Ishaku dusting up some old artifacts.

"What? Who's there?" he said, looking towards the door with a scowl on his heavily bespeckled face.

"Hey Ishaku, long time no see," Ammy greeted.

Ishaku's eyebrows flew up. "It can't be…Ammy?"

She barked.

"Oh Ammy!" he blubbered. "My eyes are failing me in my old age, but I can sense it. I can sense the tears you're so desperately trying to hide, too. Oh!" He put a hand to his forehead dramatically and sniffed.

"…Right," Ammy said.

Ishaku sobered up at her less than enthusiastic reply. "Huh. Sarcastic as always. A hundred years and you still haven't fixed your rudeness, I see."

"And you're still a dramatic, tactless prima-dona, so I'll say we're even," Ammy replied happily.

Ishaku stuck out his lower lip in a pout. "Is that what you really think of me, Ammy?" he asked petulantly.

"Case in point," she said.

"Huh. In any case, what did you come here for? I'm assuming it's too much to hope for that you came just to see me."

"Yep," said Ammy. "I came to tell you that I want to get through the Spirit Gate and that I know where all your paintings went."

"The Spirit Gate!" Ishaku gasped, leaping upwards. "Ammy, I know you're impulsive and apathetic and thoughtless and a sadist, but I never knew you were a fool as well!"

"Yeah," she said, making a point to ignore his snide comments about her personality faults. "Your grandson must have rubbed off on me."

"Grandson?" said Ishaku. He appeared confused for a moment, wondering how Ammy knew his grandson or perhaps forgetting that he had a grandson in the first place, since it had been so long ago since Issun ran away to become Link. He blinked away the confusion, fury taking its place instead. "I don't have a grandson!" he steamed, bouncing up and down angrily. "That no-good, good-for-nothing, damn brat has nothing to do with me, I tell you! He and I have nothing to say to each other, got it, Furbrain? HE'S NO GRANDSON OF MINE!"

"If you say so," she said.

"Hey, aren't you going to stay longer?" Ishaku asked as she turned away. "We have so much reminiscing to do!"

"I'll come back after I've saved the world and learned the secrets of the elusive stilettos," Ammy reassured him.

Ishaku snorted. "Huh. I know _that's_ a lie." His eyes softened. "In any case, I'm glad I saw you again, old Furbrain, even if this wasn't a leisurely visit. And tell that—that boy who's not a grandson of mine that if he ever shows his face here again, I'll give him such a beating that he'll need to steal a hundred paintings o' mine in order to get that face looking pretty again, got it?"

 _So old man Ishaku knew all about what Link's been up to,_ Ammy thought, somewhat impressed. Poor Link. When he went through such troubles to hide it, too. Ammy suspected a certain prophet acquaintance of hers of letting the secret slip.

"See you, Ishaku," she said. "And I'll deliver your message, don't worry."

Ammy headed out of Ponc'tan and turned back to her regular size. Link had been pacing around the clearing, obviously uncomfortable being so close to the home he had left behind.

"So…" began Link.

"So what?" Ammy asked innocently.

Link scowled. "You know what I'm talkin' about! You met him, didn't you?"

"I've known Ishaku long before you have, grandsonny," she said, scoffing.

"Meh," said Link. "Did he say anything about me, that's the important thing."

Ammy thought about Ishaku's message. "He said that if he ever saw you again, there would be an abundance of over-flowing feelings." Which was roughly what the message had said.

"I don't think that's what he said," Link said doubtfully.

"Close enough," Ammy replied. "Anyway, I asked around and it seems Lika went to the Spirit Gate."

"Anything to get away from this hell-hole!" Link said, springing up. "C'mon Ammy, let's get outta this gloomy place!"

He hopped on Ammy's back and whistled to the ents, who creaked and groaned as they made their way after them into the second half of Yoshpet. Before they could leave, however, a little yellow glow bounced out of the stump and called out to Link. "Issun!"

Link grimaced. "Keep going, Ammy, there's no Issun here, just ignore it…"

"Issun, is that you?" the yellow Poncle asked. Ammy recognized the voice as Miya. "Wow, you've become a real Celestial Envoy! Just like Grandpa Ishaku and everyone knew you would be!"

"I'm not a Celestial Envoy, I'm the Wind Waker—wandering minstrel and conductor extraordinaire!" Link corrected crossly. "And I'm not Issun anymore! I'm LINK!"

"Ehhhhh?" said Miya, and Ammy imagined her brows furrowing in confusion. "So does that mean you aren't painting? And why won't you go into the village? Don't you want to see your grand—"

Link instinctively brought down his foot before Miya could finish saying the word "grandfather". They both stood there in silent shock for a while.

Ammy gaped. "Link…You just squished her."

Link looked at Ammy, horrified. "No I didn't."

"Yes, you did," Ammy pressed. "Your foot's right where she was standing."

"…It was an instinct," Link protested. "And she wouldn't die from that. At least, I don't think so."

"I hope. For your sake," said Ammy. She nabbed Link, who had frozen into place, and sprinted into the forest before either of them could be accused of an obvious murder.


	31. In Which Quite a Few People Make a Surprise Appearance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A gate is opened. A prophecy is repeated, again. Waka discovers a new teasing target.

"Alright, here's the Spirit Gate!" Link said, having been in a much better mood since leaving the clearing with Ponc'tan, although his run-in with Miya still gave him some shock. "Wait, how'd we get here, anyway?"

"Teleportation," Ammy replied, using her mystical voice. "But anyway, does it matter? If you want to go through Yoshpet so badly, be my guest."

"Nah, I'll stick with you."

Ammy snorted. "Good idea. Especially considering you just murdered one of your own kind."

"I didn't murder her!" he protested fervently. "It was an accident! You don't even know if she's dead!"

"Link. She was squished."

"W-Well I've been through worse than that, and look at me now!"

"Oh yeah. I forgot about the surgery," Ammy noted mildly.

"Anyway," Link went on, eager to forget about the Miya incident. "How're we gonna get this thing open? What'd Lika do? Just walk up to it?"

"Yeah, that's what Mi—ah, that's what I heard," Ammy said, catching herself.

They walked up to it, but nothing happened.

"Open Sesame?" Ammy asked, but the strange portal wouldn't budge.

They sat staring at it for a while, and suddenly, the gate gave a little shudder and slowly slid apart, showering them with a bright, golden light.

"Woah, nice!" Link said, jumping up. "Hey, you ready to go, Ammy? Oki!" Link cried out in surprise when he turned around and saw the navy Oina warrior standing solemnly behind Ammy.

"We meet again, Amaterasu and…Link, was it?" Oki said, glancing at Link. "I thought I'd come and join the fun."

"Hey, I didn't know you were a partier, Oki!" Link grinned.

"…I'm not. It was an expression."

"…Oh."

Oki looked up at the Spirit Gate, which was glowing invitingly. "I've never seen the Spirit Gate open before. They say opening it—"

"—Only invites misfortune. Yeah," Ammy interrupted. "Hey Oki…How'd you get here, anyway? I thought Kai said she was the only one who knew the way, and that Oina get lost in there." Another thought suddenly occurred to her. "And don't tell me the Spirit Gate opened up for you and not us…"

Oki feigned ignorance and didn't answer her questions. "I can sense it…the blood of demons beyond this gate…it is precisely what Kutone needs to awaken. 'The wall of ice shall shatter and open the way to the heavens when the sacred sword Kutone glows silver.' As the prophecy foretells, when Kutone glows, the demons will fall."

"I'm not sure that's what it means, Oki," Ammy said, but he ignored her again. "I know you can hear me, Oki, all you half-men half-wolf Oina can!" she barked crossly.

"What's more, some say that even the heavens will be within reach!" he added, raising the sword up high.

The sword suddenly disappeared in a flash of sparkles, and from the trees they heard a familiar laugh.

"Ah, I have been searching for something like this!" Waka said, inspecting the sword now in his possession. "Hm, they say this can open the path to the heavens, my pretty-haired friend?"

Oki was livid. "I do not know who you are," he said, clenching his teeth. "But that is the sacred sword of the Oina! No one else may take hold of it!"

"Now now, don't be jealous, my friend," Waka scolded. "You took it without permission as well, did you not? I'll return it in time—I merely want to see if the legend is true."

"As do I!" Oki snapped. "Kutone has not yet tasted the blood of enough demons to shine, which is why I _need. It. Back_!" He turned into a wolf and roared up into the branches.

Waka laughed and tossed the sword back down, where Oki caught it sourly and changed into a human, sliding it back into its sheath. "Just teasing you, my friend! That sword is far too heavy for my delicate arms. I'm rather weak, you know."

"AHAHA _bullshit_ ," Ammy coughed.

"Its prophecy is not mine to fulfill. None of them are, now that I think about it…" He sat thoughtfully and sighed. "Tis the sad fate of a prophet, I must admit. Sorry to keep your little quest on hold, Amaterasu. I simply couldn't pass up the chance to insert comic relief when I saw it. _Au revoir_!"

"…What the hell just happened?" Link asked when Waka disapparated.

"You missed it," Ammy said.

"Are we leaving?" asked Oki gruffly.

Quite finished with distractions, Ammy, Link, and Oki turned their gazes toward the Spirit Gate that had been patiently waiting for them all this time, and together they walked through its golden light, mentally gritting themselves for some big time misfortune.


	32. In Which There is an Extreme Case of Deja Vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy has a blast from the past. Link is a bit slow on the uptake. Orochi is defeated for the second (or third? or fourth?) time.

They phased through the light, and behind them the doors of the portal slid closed. Link peeked out an eye.

"Hey, this doesn't look so bad!" he said, looking around at the scenery. Sure, the sky was black, but they were standing in a lush green meadow overlooking a clear lake and some fields, which surely couldn't have meant anything bad.

"It looks like Kamiki," Ammy observed. She frowned at the sky. Her biggest pet peeve had returned. "It looks like Kamiki the day Sakuya turned me back into a real wolf, after I cut down her peaches."

"Kamiki, hm?" said Oki. "You mean the little village in Shinshu Field? That's where the whole legend of Orochi began. I've never crossed the sea and set foot on Nippon before." He flexed his fingers over Kutone, as if he were itching to get into another battle. "This place holds the promise of countless new demons, ready to be sacrificed to Kutone!" He ran off in his excitement, leaving them behind.

"Thanks for saying goodbye!" Link called after him. "Hey look, Ammy, a full moon again! Does this mean another festival?" he asked, drooling. He realized he hadn't had sake since getting drunk in Sei-An, and that was loads of chapters ago.

They made to head down the hill and see what was going on with the villagers, but they were thwarted by a strategically placed plant.

"AHHGGGHH! CUTENESS!" Ammy screamed, shielding her eyes. They ran quickly past the plant, only to bump into another adorable thing, this time a little girl.

"Hey! Ouch!" said the little girl. Her eyes widened as she saw Ammy. "Oh! You're shome kinda god, aren't you?" she asked. "I'm a wood shprite! They call me Shakuya!"

The little wood sprite Shakuya danced back and forth with her hands behind her back.

"Ammy, that looks suspiciously like a baby Sakuya," Link whispered.

"KILL IT, KILL IT BEFORE IT GROWS UP," Ammy said.

"How can I kill a little girl?" Link cried.

"You had no problem with Miya," replied Ammy.

"I TOLD YOU, THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"

"Oh, and you're about the same height, anyway," Ammy went on, inspecting Shakuya. "So you can't squish her."

Link protested vehemently, but realized with shock that Ammy was right and set about sulking.

Ammy, being a quick learner, didn't take long to recognize where they were and started making her way down to the village.

"Hey, where d'ya think you're goin' Furbrain?" Link yelled after her, running to catch up.

She didn't stop until she reached Susano's house and came around to the back, where a man who looked like Susano except dressed all in ceremonial white was lying on the ground, drunk. Link had been distracted when he saw Kushi, but he came back looking disgruntled.

"Screaming and running away was a little harsh," he muttered. "I just wanted some sake…" Link noticed the man on the ground. "Hey, is that Pops? Why's he wearing those clothes?"

Ammy ignored him, looking down at the man coolly. "Get up, you lazy asshole," she said, headbutting the Susano look-alike.

"OOF," grunted the Susano look-alike. "I slept like a log! Must've drifted off or somethin' while trainin' to defeat that no-good Shiranui…"

 _You came back again, Amaterasu,_ yawned Tsuki, whom they almost didn't recognize because he was enshrined within a smooth blue sword instead of his wooden one. _I don't see why you do. The villagers all hate you, you know. You have absolutely no learning curve._

The Susano look-alike stretched his arms and rubbed his right eye, that being his only good one. In place of his left eye was a ping pong ball with a drawn-in pupil. Link stifled a snort.

"Hey Pops, when'd ya get that fake eye there?"

Susano's eye opened with a start. "Shiranui!" he gasped. "So you have returned! And it seems you have brought a strange elf with you…"

"How many times have I told you, I'm not evil, Father," Ammy said, sighing. "And do you know where—"

"Father?" cried Susano and Link at the same time. "I do not know what you are blabbering about, Shiranui, but nothing you say will divert me!" He swung his sword around and pointed it in Ammy's face.

 _He doesn't remember anything, dear sister, I thought that was obvious,_ Tsuki said.

"What? Oh, Clover. DAMN," she said.

_Yeah. He's a little funky in the head, as well. Thinks he's Odin, or something._

As if on cue, Susano-in-white bellowed, "I AM ODIN, GREATEST WARRIOR OF NIPPON!"

"No, you're Nagi," Ammy said.

Nagi was baffled by the certainty in her voice and became confused as he thought about his true identity.

"No, I am ODIN!" he decided, swinging Tsuki through the air like a child with a toy.

"Oh shut up," Ammy grumbled, slinging her rosary beads at him. The impact knocked him out, and he fell to the ground with a crash. "Wow, that felt good," she said, smiling.

 _Still an idiot, little sister!_ Tsuki said wearily. _Who's going to save the sacrificial maiden now?_

Ammy was silent. Then she power slashed Tsuki, except it didn't work because he was metal and not wood.

"This isn't the last you'll hear of me!" she threatened, running away. That was when she came across Kushi, who was actually Nami, bathing in the stream and got a brilliant idea.

Link, whose brain had exploded due to extreme confusion, promptly forgot that he was no longer functional and drooled over Nami's naked body.

"Wow, stop being such a perv," Ammy said, sneaking up to nab the clothes and a surprise barrel of sake. Link smelled the sake and whipped around, eyes glinting. "NO. NONE FOR YOU," Ammy ordered, shrugging Link away unsuccessfully.

"SAKEEEEE," Link drooled.

"GO BACK TO PERVING ON NAMI!" Ammy shouted.

And so, with much frustration and Link-bashing, Ammy finally got the clothes on Nagi (somewhat). Being meant for women, they were much too small. The process would have taken her half the time if she hadn't been trying to keep Link off the sake and if she hadn't been closing her eyes to avoid being graced by Nagi's nakedness. Looking down at the final product, she came to the conclusion that cross-dressing should be reserved for pretty men only.

 _How ridiculous,_ Tsuki scoffed.

"As if _you_ have a better plan," Amy replied smartly, to which Tsuki sulked.

She threw Nagi onto her back and ran out of Kamiki into the Shinshu Field of 100 years ago, which, for a reason still unknown to her, contained only half of the original Shinshu Field. She made her way to the Moon Cave, where she knew Orochi would be waiting for his maiden.

 _If you can call this a maiden,_ Ammy thought, glancing at Nagi's hairy chest.

"UGH," groaned Nagi, stirring on Ammy's back. He rolled over and fell off. "OOF. Huh? Where am I?" He looked around, confused. "Wait, WHY AM I WEARING THIS? WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHERE IS MY TRUSTY STEED, SLEIPNIR?"

Ammy was prepared to knock Nagi over the head again, but she was spared from the exertion by Orochi, who struck out and nabbed the self-proclaimed Norse god in his jaws and dragged him, screaming, into the cave's depths. Not long after, Orochi spat him back out.

 _"What is the meaning of this?"_ Orochi hissed. _"I specifically ordered a tender young woman, not a hairy, middle-aged man!"_

"Good, then I'll take the sake," Link said, smacking his lips. Ammy grabbed it before he could get the chance to take a sip and busted on through the Moon Cave to Orochi's lair.

"Dammit, I've already fought this battle before," she muttered. "Not even counting the first time I kicked his ass as Shiranui, but I guess that's this time again, huh?"

Link slapped his knee, startling Ammy. "OH! THIS IS KAMIKI 100 YEARS AGO!"

"Wow, you're pretty slow, Link," Ammy said, finding it hard to believe that he was just getting this now. "Hey Oki."

Oki waved.

"Wait, how'd you get in here? Isn't only one other person supposed to come in here? Didn't the barrier close behind us? AM I IMAGINING THINGS?"

"Wow, you said the same exact thing the last time we were here, Ammy!" Link chortled.

 _"FOOLISH GOD!"_ bellowed Orochi, swirling out of the ground in a shower of clumps of earth. _"HOW DARE YOU STAND IN THE WAY OF MY MORTAL DESTRUCTION!"_

"Yeah yeah, I honestly don't care, really, since I'm not the god you think you're speaking to anyway, so can I take the little girl who accidentally just-so-happens to be lying there unconscious on the back of your…what is that anyway? A mountain? Why is the bell there, may I ask?"

True Orochi was incensed. _"WHY YO—HOW DARE YOU ACT SO IMPERTINENT! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO COME UP WITH THIS SPEECH? HELL, DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO CONVINCE THESE IDIOTS I'M ROOMING WITH TO LET ME BE THE SPOKESHEAD? DON'T. YOU. **DARE.** GO TO SLEEP ON ME!"_ he hissed as Ammy tried, unsuccessfully, to stifle a yawn.

Oki jabbed his sword into Orochi's face, which predictably failed. Orochi predictably shook him away like a fly.

"Everyone here's so predictable," sighed Ammy.

"EXCEPT ME!" cried Link. "Betcha didn't see this one comin', Ammy!" And he dumped all the sake into the rivulets with an insanely huge grin on his face.

Ammy stared. "Oooookay. I actually did _not_ see that coming. Good job, though, Link."

He seemed to have realized what he had done and stared at the empty sake bottle in shock. "NOOOOOOOO! MY SAKE!"

"A true hero," Ammy sniffed. "Oki, you could learn a lesson from him." But Oki wasn't listening. Ammy shrugged and turned back to Orochi, vaguely wondering where her past self had gone off to, since _she_ was supposed to be the one here kicking this demon's ass, not the her as of now, which was actually 100 years later. She did it anyway because she liked being able to tell Orochi how many times exactly she had kicked his golden-plated ass.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, VILE SERPENT!" called a voice she recognized as Nagi's, although it still bothered her how he managed to get in. "BEHOLD ODIN, THE GREATEST WARRIOR WHO EVER LIVED!"

Orochi sneered. _"Odin is a Norse god, fool, not some crossdresser from Nippon!"_

"Well excuuuuuse me for not coming in stark naked, you technicality-obsessed serpent!" Nagi retorted. "Now, PREPARE TO FACE MY WRATH!" He raised his sword to the heavens, and nothing happened for an awkward couple of minutes. Then Ammy remembered that she was supposed to draw the moon, and then she remembered that she didn't have the brush power.

"Make the moon come out, Tsuki!" she yelled up to him.

_What? Why?_

"Long story, but time travel and empty stomachs all factor in there somehow. Don't question. Just do it!"

Grumbling, Tsuki made the moon shine through the clouds, and when the light touched his sword, he shimmered golden, imbued with a special power. Oki watched with a mixture of awe and envy from the sidelines.

"His sword…it's glowing!" He looked down at Kutone broodingly.

"DIE, FOUL BEAST!" Nagi roared, leaping at the heads of Orochi, and Ammy helped him cut them down as she had with Susano and Nagi again all those years before. Her original self was still nowhere to be seen, which was a pity, considering she was the epitome of epic and godliness.

When Orochi was defeated yet another time, Lika came flying through the air and landed on Ammy's back, completely conscious and unharmed. It seemed like Tsuki was off talking to Kutone about whatever it was that glowing swords talked about (even though Kutone wasn't glowing yet, but it would at some point), while some narrator explained everything that happened to Link because he was still pretty confused about traveling back in time. Orochi's evil spirit emerged from the corpse, not quite defeated, that tenacious bastard, and hurled a giant rock at Nagi with the last of its energy before finally dissipating. Nagi, believing himself to be the invincible Norse god Odin, wasn't bothered by it at all and continued laughing. A blazing white light appeared underneath the rock, saving Nagi from the unfortunate fate of being smushed.

"Hey," it said to Ammy. "Got here as fast as I could."

Ammy grinned. "I defeated Orochi for us again."

Shiranui matched her wolfish grin and the devious glint in her eyes, even though she was obviously in pain by the way she stooped underneath the rock. "I'll be sure to brag to him when I see him in Yomi, then. How many times does this make? Four?"

"Make it five," said Ammy. "I'll be defeating him once more on the Ark of Yamato."

"Again? Seriously? Tenacious bastard."

She slipped, breathing heavily. Ammy knew she was going to die today, because it had happened to her 100 years ago too. Granted, the conditions had been different, but that's what time travel did to you. Even so, she couldn't help feeling a pang as she watched her more godly, powerful self struggle.

"You should get going," Shiranui panted. "Don't worry. I'll be seeing you again, sooner than you think. We'll have more time to chat." She winked.

"I trust you," Ammy said. "See you soon, then." She whisked Link and Lika up out of the way as rocks came crashing down on them, leaving Shiranui behind with Nagi to deal with. She knew she would be well-taken care of. After all, they were going to enshrine her in a statue, that lucky wolf.


	33. In Which Operation DIF-BOC'D Commences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy tries to fix a gate. The author makes another appearance. Link is still bad at naming things.

"So I'm still a little hazy on this whole 'time travel' business," Link said as they passed through the Spirit Gate, which had been left open when Oki barged back into Kamui. "Can you go through it with me one more time?"

"Link," Ammy said, closing her eyes. "Has it ever occurred to you to listen to people when they talk to you?"

This whole time Lika was busy absorbed in staring at Link through her large black eye slits.

"Are you an elf?" she finally asked.

"What is that supposed ta mean, Furbrain—Huh? Er, yeah, I guess," said Link, turning to Lika.

Lika continued to stare at him. Link was slightly disconcerted.

"Let's get her back to Wep'keer, shall we?" Ammy said, being reasonable as always. Besides, she wanted to gain everyone's awe and respect by showing them that she had completed this insane side quest.

She arrived at the altar of Kutone, and no one was there.

"Dammit, this stupid tribe," Ammy muttered. "So inconsiderate."

So she ran to the top of the crest near Wawku Shrine, where she found the villagers in a crisis. She was apathetic. So was Lika, apparently.

"Kai, I _told_ you Santa's real!" was the first thing she said when she ran up to her sister. "Look, he has an _elf_!"

"I brought Lika, everyone!" Ammy shouted over the wail of the blizzard blowing out of the shrine. They weren't as amazed as she hoped they would be, much to her annoyance.

"That's great, but we've got a more cumbrous problem on our hands, white wolf!" Samickle shouted irritably, trying in vain to close the heavy gates.

"What's cumbrous mean?" whispered Link.

"I think it has something to do with cucumbers," Lika whispered back. Link appeared enlightened, as if cucumbers made any sense in the original context of that sentence.

"Oki destroyed the gate on the way to Wawku Shrine," said Tuskle, shaking her head. "I tried to stop him, but he was waving the sword Kutone about."

"Yeah, you guys should really do something about that," said Link. "I bet he wants to steal all the glory for himself, the bastard…" Ammy suspected he was still bitter about the sword.

"No! He would never do that!" Kai said, shaking her head vehemently. "When the twin demons of Ezofuji were acting up, he was the one who stepped in to save Kemu and Samickle! Right, Samickle?"

The chief of the Oina gave a noncommittal grunt that Ammy took to be a "yeah, I guess he did."

"Anyway, it's a good thing we have Lika back," Tuskle said, and Ammy nodded self-righteously.

" _Thank_ you."

"We need her Volcanic Incantation more than ever now. With these gates open, it won't be long before Kamui freezes over!"

"Let's go, Lika," said Kai, taking the little girl's hand. "You can recite that prayer you sing so well, can't you?"

"Yep!" she warbled, and as they walked down the hill Ammy caught snatches of a song that seemed to be about saucepans.

Now that Ammy was done with the quest Kemu sent for her, she saw no reason to do anything further. Except that it was so inviting. And she couldn't resist setting things straight. So, because she was such a good person, she decided to fix the gate.

"You can't fix that gate, idiot," said Link, cutting through her thoughts.

"Maybe _I_ can't," Ammy replied smartly, already ringing up Naguri's phone number.

" _Who's this? Well, it doesn't matter because I'm so busy anyway I can't pick up the phone. And if you're the idiot who spends his time calling busy people who don't have time to answer their phones, then you need to get a job. Good day._ "

"Damn, got his voicemail," Ammy grumbled as the answering machine beeped. She sighed. "Guess this means on to Plan B."

"No, you can't name it that," said Link. "You've gotta name it something cool, like Operation Deep-Fried-Barbecue-Oil-Chip-Dispenser. We'll call it DIF-BOC'D for short."

"That's not a cool name, Link," Ammy said. "And where'd the 'I' come from, anyway?"

"There's always an 'I' in 'TEAM', so they say," Link quoted, which was wrong, but Ammy didn't care enough to say so.

She entered Wawku Shrine and was immediately blasted with high-speed balls.

"OUCH, SCREW YOU!" she cried, using her Double Slash technique, which she once again failed to remember being her Matrix power. She could see the balls coming at her this time, however, and promptly sent them flying back into the faces that spat them at her.

"BOOM, HEADSHOT," went a deep voice that reverberated through the walls.

Ammy proceeded through to the main room, which she knew was the main room (or something close to it) by the presence of those ever-annoying demon locks. Being unable to go forward, she went to the right and had some minor difficulties getting impaled by icicles before coming to a puzzle room. She melted the ice off one of the scales and was rewarded with one part of a walkway. There was much rejoicing.

She put some little trees (not homicidally cute ones, fortunately) on the scale to add extra weight, but they didn't really add much, and she was stumped.

"What next, Link?"

"Well, they're shining. Don't shining things usually mean brush power?"

Waterspout was the only technique she thought was applicable at the moment, but unfortunately there was no water. So she tried everything else she could think of, like she always did when stumped, and got them to sprout with the power of Bloom.

"Go figure," she said, and went to headbutt the ice ball, which was, she realized, a bad idea. As soon as she realized that she could not headbutt the giant ball of ice, she resorted to Galestorm, which hadn't failed her so far. With painstaking precision, she finally got the ball in place, unlocking the door with the exorcising arrow in it.

"Meheheheheh…"

Link squirmed. "Can we get on with Operation DIF-BOC'D now?" he said.

Ammy continued chuckling evilly, watching the demon lock writhe. "I didn't get to do this at Oni Island, so I'm very damn well getting my fill now."

So Link went to stand father off while Ammy got her fill of torturing demons. When she tired of the demon lock, she chucked the arrow in its face and continued onward, up to a platform where she got shot at by numerous canons in the walls.

"DIE," she ordered, slashing them.

"HEADSHOT," boomed the strange voice as each rebounding ball hit its mark.

"I like this voice," Ammy decided.

And because the esteemed author of this story liked the voice too (but mainly because she was tired of writing boring dungeon scenes that the readers of this story have already played through anyway), she decided to bring Ammy and Link straight to the place where something actually happens, namely, the place where they were soon to get the 13th brush power, which no one really cared about but has some significance to the plot nonetheless.

"I like this author," Ammy decided too.

The author was glad to hear it. And because she liked Ammy as well, they had an author-Ammy love fest.

"Aw, Ammy, you're my favorite character," said the magnanimous author of this story, which was a lie.

"Oh, you're making me blush," said Ammy. "But no one's better at writing me than you." Which was also probably a lie.

"You can stop fawning over each other, you suck ups," Link snapped. "It's making me gag."

"You're just jealous that no one loves you," Ammy retorted, which was the truth.

The author felt bad for Itegami, who was stuck listening to all this nonsense, so she promptly disappeared. Not in sparkles, though, because they were overrated for anyone who wasn't Waka. Sakuya indignantly waited for the author to come back to Kamiki so she could argue about this fact.

In any case, Ammy and Link finally noticed the strange machine that was the center of the blizzard, literally.

"Wow, this blizzard is man-made?" Link said, glancing unbelievingly as the machine cranked out wind and snow and wailing blizzard-noises.

"Of course it is, Link, most natural disasters are. Except this is most likely made by demons, but they were always technologically ahead of mortals anyway."

They found a secret code written on the ground of a cave nearby, and Ammy figured it was the key to stopping the blizzard machine. She used a mixture of her powers to stop the eyes in the designated pattern, and the machine wheezed off, prompting another constellation to appear. Ammy was happy only because it was the last of these babies that she would be doing for a long, long time.

"Congratulations, Amaterasu, origin of all that is good and mother to us all blah blah blah…I am Itegami, the 13th and final brush god. Take my power of Blizzard so that you can…" He trailed off, contemplating the things you could do with a freezing brush power, which wasn't very much. "...freeze things, I guess," he settled for, sagging his giant shoulders. "Oh, why must I be the brush god after Gekigami? Nothing can compare." Despondent and sighing, Itegami gave Ammy his brush power and the Solar Flare and then disappeared.

"Wooooaaahh," Link said, eyes widening at the Solar Flare, which nearly blinded him with its awesomeness. "That was definitely worth getting the last brush power."

"Yes," said Ammy, closing her eyes and smiling. "Now I'm one step closer to being as awesome as I was 100 years ago."

With her newfound power and awesome weapon, she breezed through the main room with the flaming spiders and through the rooms with the wheels. When they came to a small room with a save point indicating boss battle, Link suddenly said, "Hey, we should have a code. All good operations have codes."

"Uh…okay…"

"I've been thinking about it since the blizzard machine. I mean, if demons have codes, why shouldn't we?"

"That wasn't really a spoken code, Link."

Link paused. "Well, I want one anyway. And it'll be, 'The salmon is not superior.' So if there's anything we notice that's wrong or something, we say, 'The salmon is not superior." Got it?"

"Whatever," said Ammy.

"Alright!" Link grinned, taking that as some sort of a yes. "Let's get Operation DIF-BOC'D goin', Ammy!"


	34. Which Contains Multiple Sets of Twins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiranui delivers some bitchin' one-liners. Oki discovers a new obsession. The salmon is not superior.

A gate screeched upward as they passed onto one of the summits of Ezofuji, leading them onto the smooth, glassy surface of a clock face. The gate shut behind them, leaving them alone with a giant silver demon leisurely flapping in the air over the center of the summit. Its head twitched rhythmically at odd, disconcerting angles, finally turning 180 degrees in one smooth motion to rest on Ammy and Link.

"Hey," Ammy said, her voice disappearing easily into the thin air.

The silver demon Nechku gazed at them unblinkingly for a long moment, then turned its head back around to the front—you know, the way it's supposed to be most of the time—and started to flap away.

"What a jerk. He thought we weren't worthy of his time!" Ammy said indignantly.

"Hey!" barked Ammy's voice at the giant flying clock-owl. "You don't just casually ignore me, you bastard!"

"Weird," said Link, a strange look of confusion mixed with awe on his face. "I didn't think echoes came back saying different things to you!"

But, as always, Ammy was one step ahead of Link. In fact, she always liked to think she was quite a few steps ahead of Link in the upstairs department.

A wide grin spread on her face. "Long time no see."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Shiranui replied, but the twinkle in her eyes betrayed she did. Or at least had an inkling. Shiranui was cool like that.

While Link was busy trying to figure out what was happening and how Shiranui got there in the first place, Ammy's past incarnation called out to her and said, "So how about we kick some ass, huh?"

Nechku hung in the air uncertainly, its head twitching between the two white wolves as if trying to determine its best plan of action. Ammy chuckled evilly, knowing full well that between her two selves, the fates were in her favor on this battle.

"YOU ARE GOING TO RUE THE DAY YOU BROKE THAT GATE AND MADE ME COME UP HERE!" she barked. The thin air on the summit made her voice sound less epic and impressive than it should have been, which made her slightly disappointed.

"Um, didn't Oki break that gate?" asked Link from the tree where he was now perched, noisily setting up something that looked suspiciously like a grill and thoroughly ruining the mood.

Ammy noticed there was lighting sparking in the clouds. So did Link, apparently, because the grill immediately sizzled out and he shut up.

All of a sudden, Nechku raised its staff in the air, and a handful of wickedly sharp icicles materialized and hurtled toward Shiranui. Before Ammy even had time to turn around, she used powerslash and sent the deadly projectiles straight back at the twitching demon, sending it somersaulting in the air.

"Alright Link, you're either going to have to entertain yourself or make yourself useful," she barked to him, her eyes on the giant owl. She didn't wait for him to respond and leapt into a battle that her past self had already half-finished. Ammy and Shiranui howled triumphantly together as they sent projectiles ranging from rotten fruit to icicles to shoujo manga sailing back at their assailant.

A stray shoujo manga got loose and smacked Shiranui in the face. "Ouch! God, do you think he _reads_ this crap?" she exclaimed.

Ammy dodged a particularly large fruit and said, "No, he probably got ripped off buying them all from the bookstore and has nothing else to do with them." She had had similar bitter experiences in the past, except with yaoi.

In this brief interim between barrages, Ammy noticed the owl's signs actually read real words instead of vague numbers and letters. _An opening!_

"NOT TODAY!" she said, slamming the icicles back so hard they impaled Nechku's metal.

 _Two against one is a trifle unfair,_ Nechku's signboard now complained.

"There is no fair and unfair in battle, demon," Shiranui said cooly. If she wasn't her own incarnation, Ammy would have fallen for her right then and there.

Before either of them could approach and finish Nechku off, however, there came a great trembling from the left as that part of the wall collapsed and the silver demon's twin, Lechku, came bursting in, twitching like crazy.

"What the hell?" thought Ammy, until she noticed a giant, blue blob of hair viciously attacking its face. A smaller, more familiar green figure was hanging on for dear life on the hem of Oki's coat, clutching something red and wriggly in its left hand and shouting, "THE SLAMON IS NOT SUPERIOR! THE SALMON IS NOT SUPERIOR!"

"WHAT. THE. HELL," Ammy said, still not sure she understood what was happening any more than before. "LINK, GET DOWN FROM THERE YOU DUMBASS."

The golden owl shook its head violently from side to side, and Oki, being unable to hold on any longer, was flung to the center of the summit. He would have done a neat backflip and landed smoothly, but Link and the salmon's added weight made it difficult, and he ended up flopping on his side instead.

"CURSE YOU, ELF," Oki growled, scowling and dusting off his pants.

The summit rumbled, drawing everyone's attention back to the twin demons. Lechku's presence seemed to ignite a spark in Nechku, because they both rose gracefully into the air as if they hadn't been whooped in battle or annoyed with a stick. _AN OPENING!_ Read Nechku's signboard.

Oki turned into a wolf and snarled at the demons.

"NO, DON'T DO IT, OKI!" Link wailed from the sidelines.

"Fool! This is what separates the heroes from the rest!" he replied, his eyes never leaving the owls, although as the smell of salmon wafted over to them, Ammy could hear his stomach rumbling.

"And the living from the dead!" Shiranui barked back, barring his way. Ammy swooned again. She had such cool one-liners in the past. "Don't be an idiot, pretty boy. Take my advice and untangle that pretty mane of yours on the sidelines, okay? I can more than handle this."

Oki glared at her, then spun Kutone at her and barreled past. "Bastard!" Ammy and Shirnaui cried out indignantly at the same time.

"With this, I can make Kutone shine for sure!" he cried, leaping at Lechku, which was a bad choice. Lechku, thoroughly fed up with annoying little bugs scratching at his face when he was trying to sleep, raised his cane and used some dark demon magic to stop time, determined to kill the pest once and for all.

"What…is…this…I….can't…move…can't…even…breathe…"

 _Talks a lot, for the silent type,_ was all Ammy thought. She would also need to have a long talk with Kasugami about giving away her Matrix brush power to strangers at bars.

Shirnaui, being the bamf that she is, managed to break out of the funky time stream and shoved Oki out of the way as Lechku brought down his cane. She went careening towards the place where the wall had been broken, and Ammy quickly caught her in before she completely fell over the edge.

"MPHLIIINK, AI KINDOF NEED SHOUR HELF!" she said through a mouthful of fur. "AND DROF THE SALMON!"

"It wasn't superior anyway," he conceded, chucking it off the edge. Shiranui promptly nabbed it out of the air. Link's expression went sour. " _I_ would have eaten that, you know."

"Thaf greaf, GODAMMIH, HWHERE'S O-HI?"

Ammy burned with frustration as she and Link struggled to haul Shiranui up to safety. Oki was somewhere behind them, glancing from them to the twin demons steadily receding from view to the sword that stubbornly refused to glow in his hands. The pervading smell of salmon lingered in the air. Suddenly, he knew what was right.

"MPHFINALLY," Ammy complained loudly through hair as Oki pulled them all up with his superhuman strength. "Pleah. Took you long enough."

"…I couldn't let good salmon go to waste," he said. Shiranui showered him with salmon and liked the juices off his face.

Ammy looked down. "Oh hey," she said. "Kutone is shining."

Oki glanced at his sword with surprise. "So it is!" he exclaimed. "But…how? Why now?"

Ammy shrugged. She wouldn't know what went on in a glowing sword's head. Right now she had more pressing matters to attend to.

"You okay?" she asked Shiranui, who had been hit pretty hard with Lechku's cane.

"I'll live," Shiranui grunted in reply. "Ouch! Damn that gentlemanly bastard!"

Tears pricked Ammy's eyes. This was going to be the last time she saw Shiranui in a long time…well, she would meet her again in her recent past back through the Spirit Gate, which was actually 100 years ago, but that was beside the point.

"Hey Ammy, I picked up this gear! Think we need it for anything?" said Link, butting in at the wrong moment, as usual.

"You should get going," Shiranui said, wincing at her wounds.

"I'll watch over this one," Oki volunteered. He was just full of selfless acts today. The clock surface of the summit brought the four of them down to the first floor of Wawku Shrine, right across from the locked door.

"You better keep a close eye on her," Ammy told him.

"Ammy, take him with you, I need to be gone and he'll find out our secret!" Shiranui whispered.

"On second thought, you should come with us," Ammy said.

Oki shook his head stubbornly. "I owe this one my life," he said. "When you clear the way to the summit, I'll join you in your battle with the twin demons. But for now I will stay." He sat down heavily on his haunches.

"Damn stubborn," muttered Shiranui. "You better hurry."

"Yes ma'am!" said Ammy and Link, and they raced off to make forward progress.

A few minutes later Link was racing back to Oki and Shiranui.

"NO AMMY, NO, DON'T MAKE ME, SAVE ME, OKI, OH GOD!" Quick as lightning, Ammy caught up to Link and dragged him, sobbing, back through the now unlocked door. Oki was left baffled and confused.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO," wailed Link as Ammy tossed him into the cannon. "SOMEONE SAVE ME, OH GOD HEEEEEELLLLLPPP." And for the second time since pairing up with Ammy, Link wished he was religious.

"Oh, come on, it's not going to be that bad," Ammy said. "Shut up and take it like a man." And she set the cannon off.

"WAAAAAAAAGH!" sobbed Link.

"HEADSHOT," boomed the mysterious voice.

Ammy used her newfound power to create ice blocks across the gap and peeled Link off the ground for another round. When she and Link destroyed all the evil cannons, the path opened and a giant ball of ice appeared. Ammy headbutted it, forgetting that it was ice and would therefore freeze her. She grumbled darkly. She would have to use Galestorm instead.

After numerous failed attempts, Ammy got the ice ball into the door and through the corridor in the room with vigorously spinning gears on fire.

"Easy-peasy," she said, using her Matrix power to slow time. Unfortunately, this didn't stop the wheels from being on fire, so she used Blizzard to freeze them. She hopped across the frozen gears with Link on her back and blew up a hole that she hoped would have treasure but only came up with an exorcising arrow, which meant a demon lock nearby. She scowled and hoped it was the last one she'd ever have to find.

After opening the door, they found Oki waiting for them on the face of another clock.

"Wait, how'd you get here before us?" Ammy asked. "And where's Shiranui?"

"A Poncle came for the other one and told me to help Amaterasu," Oki replied, ignoring the first part of her question. "Hurry, we cannot allow the demons to rest any longer!"

The clock moved upwards, bringing them towards the second summit of Ezofuji. When at last it stopped, Ammy charged forward, shouting, "YOU'LL RUE THE DAY YOU HURT MY AWESOME PAST INCARNATION, YOU—wait, WHAT THE HELL?"

Lechku glared at her for a moment and then sipped at his tea. _How rude_ , read Nechku's sign.

"What the hell?" repeated Link. "They're having a teaparty?"

 _But of course,_ said Nechku. _We ARE gentlemen, after all._

Lechku nodded in agreement.

_Would you care to join us?_

"We came here to fight, not to fraternize!" Oki growled. "Today is the day you die, demons!"

 _Good, I didn't want to have tea with a glowing sword-carrying lunatic anyway. Did you, Brother?_ Lechku looked down his beak disdainfully at Oki and Kutone glowing innocently on his back.

_I thought not._

"Hey, you don't bash on Oki, we're cool now that he's in the glowing swords club!" Ammy snapped. "I've got a glowing sword for a brother, I would know."

 _How sweet,_ said Nechku. Reading sarcasm was even more irritating than hearing it.

"You know what, I don't have time for this," Ammy said. She gave Oki a nod and they leapt forward into battle. Lechku and Nechku seemed to anticipate this and flew into the air, meeting them with their metal claws. Ammy was prepared for the barrage of junk flying past their heads, but Oki wasn't so lucky. He was hit with a shoujo manga and, confused by what had hit him, began to read it.

"OKI, DON'T GET SUCKED IN!" Ammy shouted at him, but it was too late.

"Here, Ammy!" called Link, jumping up and down and waving his hands in the air. She spotted him on the ledge right next to another grill he must have set up again. She didn't even know where he bought those. She realized what Link wanted her to do, however. Using the grill's fire, she burned all the manga and freed Oki form his temporary enthrallment. He blinked around in confusion for a moment before recovering from the unhealthy amounts of fluff and plotlessness exposed to his eyes. Ammy hit an oncoming fruit out of his way.

"Thank you, Amaterasu!" Oki called, dashing over to her. "Now pull me back! The enemy is weak! I'll distract them while you finish them off!"

Something that looked like a bow was attached to Oki's back, so she pulled on it and let him loose. He flung onto Nechku's face and began waving Kutone about while Ammy flailed wildly with her rosary beads. Nechku fell backwards onto his head like a top, then crashed to his side where he lay in pieces.

"That was easy!" Ammy said, before she realized that Lechku was still there. "Hey, I thought we were done."

"They're twins—they're not one entity, Amaterasu," grunted Oki, waiting to be pulled back for a go at Lechku. She obliged, and together they defeated the golden demon, who, together with Nechku, promptly burst into flowers and ugly black smoke.

"Phew, good work, team!" said Link, hopping down with the grill tucked under one arm.

"Once again, you had no part in this," said Ammy. "And where'd you get that grill, anyway?"

"I borrowed it from Kokari," Link said. "He caught me that salmon, too. Which reminds me, you owe me a salmon."

"Oki owes you a salmon."

"…What?" said Oki, who had been trying to salvage some of the shoujo manga to read later.

"Don't worry about it," Ammy said, leading the way back down the summit. Despite their victory, she was feeling a little glum about Shiranui. "Let's get back to Wep'keer. Besides, Kemu owes me."

"Salmon?" asked Link hopefully.

"NO." Although it wasn't a bad idea.


	35. Which is Also Not an Intermission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy makes Link tastes the rainbow. A familiar face seeks revenge. Many walkthroughs and cheatsheets are used.

Ammy led their little procession down the summit of Ezofuji and out the gate of Wawku Shrine, which, much to her irritation, was still broken. She slowed her pace a little and Oki bumped into her.

"Sorry," he mumbled, his face buried in _Fall in Love Like a Comic_ (which is somehow a real manga).

Ammy sighed. "C'mon, Oki, you're a hero now. Heroes don't read shoujo manga."

"I DISAGREE," Link said.

"Yeah, well, you're also not a hero."

Link pouted. "Yeah, well, you still owe me salmon."

"SINCE WHEN HAVE I OWED YOU SALMON?"

"Amaterasu!" trilled Kai, running up to greet them. "And Issun and Oki! You're back! The blizzard has stopped!"

"Yeah, thanks to us," Link said, puffing out his chest. Ammy rolled her eyes. Kai noticed Kutone in Oki's free hand.

"Kutone!" she gasped. "Oki, you got it to shine?"

"Hm?" Oki glanced down at Kutone again. "Oh. Yeah." He shrugged.

"Well don't just stand here, come and see the rest of the village! They want to congratulate you!" Kai tugged at Oki's sleeve and pulled him down the slope to where everyone was watching Lika recite the Volcanic Incantation and something about saucepans. Saucepans are hot, give us a nice, simmering fire to warm our winter like that under a saucepan…something like that.

Lika had already finished by the time they approached, and when they reached the shrine of Kutone, she shrieked with joy and hurled herself at Oki. Kemu came up and praised him loudly, "accidentally" bonking Link on the head while doing so, and Tuskle nodded at Ammy with a knowing sparkle in her black eyes. Everyone had finished their congratulations except Samickle, who hung back almost reluctantly. Kai ushered everyone away so that the two wouldn't be interrupted.

"Well," Samickle began, clearing his throat. He looked too hot and irritated in his heavy coat. "Good work, Oki." He extended his hand awkwardly. Oki blinked in confusion, and then smiled a small smile and took Samickle's hand.

Ammy grinned knowingly at Kai, who grinned back while frantically drawing portraits of the two men in a somewhat more intimate atmosphere.

"You should write a fanfic," Ammy whispered.

"Oh no," replied Kai, shaking her head so her pigtails swung. "It's fanart for me."

_So that's who's been posting those OkixSami drawings,_ Ammy mused. She had them all saved on her desktop.

"Are you quite finished with that ridiculousness, Kai?" Samickle snapped, although Ammy could've sworn she saw red under that mask. Samickle was definitely a tsundere. Poor Oki. "And Oki, what is that garbage you're reading?"

Miffed, Oki tucked _Fall in Love Like a Comic_ into his jacket and returned Kutone to its proper place in the shrine. As soon as he did so, a light struck out from Kutone onto the lake, and the lake shuddered and cracked. The ice broke away, and the Ark of Yamato rose to the surface and, strangely, into the sky, where it hovered as if it weighed nothing at all.

"Woah, Ammy, how does it do that?" whispered Link, who thought whispering was a suitable thing to do in these kinds of situations and not ones that required tact.

"Magic," replied Ammy, who didn't actually know either but was practicing her cool one-liners.

More magic ensued, and a rainbow appeared from the small door that opened in the ark. The Oina, who had never seen a rainbow before, were entranced. So was Link, who was eagerly searching the base of the rainbow for signs of gold and treasure. Ammy, however, had better things to do.

"Hell yesssssssssss," she said, taking one step onto the lake and relishing in the power to walk across the surface. She chuckled gleefully, running round in circles and collecting stray beads. It was probably the most fun she had had since coming to Hokkaido. Which reminded her, she needed to collect some tribute from Kemu for completing this quest.

"Hey! Old man Kemu!" she called. He pretended not to hear. "Dammit, KEMU!"

"Eh? Oh, yes, hello again, Shiranui!" he said cheerfully. "Mere words cannot express the gratitude of the Oina—"

"Yeah yeah, I know, that's why I've come to get a more—substantial reward, if you get me."

"A Subway sandwich reward?"

"God, no, Subway makes the worst sandwiches, where the hell did you get that—hey." Ammy narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "You're stalling."

"It appears the wall of ice from the prophecy was Laochi Lake, not the blizzard, as we suspected," said Kemu, swiftly changing the subject.

"Stop pretending to be senile, old man. You're not fooling anyone. Also, WHY DOES EVERYONE PRETEND THEY CAN'T HEAR ME?"

"Don't worry Ammy, they're not pretending. They're just straight up ignoring you," said Link cheerfully. Ammy acquired a magically delicious™ box of Lucky Charms and chucked it at his head. She then proceeded to throw Skittles at him, one by one.

"I hope you can taste the fucking rainbow™ now, you bastard," she muttered darkly, hitting him in the eye with a purple one.

"OUCH! THE HELL, AMMY! Besides, I don't think that's the actual—OW, GODDAMMIT, THAT WAS MY EYE AGAIN!"

"Woah there, let's keep this kid-friendly!" said Kemu. Ammy felt embarrassed for forgetting about Lika, but Samickle was scowling and covering her ears, so it was all good.

"Wha—this is all your fault, old man!" Ammy protested. Kemu skipped away, happily ignoring her, as she called after him, "WHY YOU—YOU OWE ME A SALMON!"

"Shaweet!" said Link.

"Oh, shut up," snapped Ammy. "Let's get on the ark. I'm done here."

They made their way up the rainbow bridge, but when they reached halfway, they were stopped by a mysterious force that had to be none other than their favorite Clover.

_Are you sure you're done here?_ A scroll on the bottom of the screen read, with parentheses, _(Point of No Return)_.

Ammy felt irritated that she couldn't come and go off the ark as she pleased, but more than that she felt a nagging doubt. There were so many side quests still left undone. Namely operation become-a-full-fledged-god and feed-the-animals.

"On second thought, I think I'll finish up things here on earth," she said.

"Yeah, we never completed my quest to get all the treasure chests!" put in Link.

Ammy stared at him. "That was never one of your quests."

"…I thought it was obvious."

In any case, the two of them said goodbye to the Oina, who were all still entranced by the rainbow and the floating ark, and headed out to explore every last nook-and-cranny in the world and fill in all the boxes for treasure, animals, and fish in their scrolls menu, collect all the stray beads, and max out Ammy's powers. Many walkthroughs and cheat sheets were used.

Their first stop was Kokari back near the dance studio, in an attempt to collect all the fish from the Hokkaido area. Ammy caught an octopus, which somehow managed to get deathly attached to Link's face, and a huge tuna that she sold to the merchant at the sought-after price of 1000 yen (which was only about ten dollars). After much fruitless searching about Sei-An (aristocratic quarters), they also found Benkei of the 1000 swords, and caught all the freshwater fish the city had to offer. While they were there they got some cool upgraded smiting power that was epic in battle and paid a visit to Himiko's grave, which Link couldn't see for three minutes without bawling his eyes out.

"She was s-such a…pretty babe!" he lamented.

"And kickass," Ammy added softly. She would have to remind Waka to erect a statue in Himiko's likeness.

Ammy went back to Ryoshima Coast (North) and rode around to all the islands one more time, just to be absolutely sure she didn't miss anything, but after the third time around Orca finally kicked them off and they moved on to Kamui, which was the last place they needed to collect stray beads.

"Alright, so the walkthrough says I need to race Kai through Yoshpet and win," she said. "That shouldn't be too hard."

It was a lie.

"Are you sure you want to try again, Amaterasu?" asked Kai, concern glowing in her brown eyes.

"One…more…time!" panted Ammy. "Damn…snowballs…" They got to her every time.

Link had talked his ents into forgiving Ammy and not throwing fruit at her, which helped considerably. After about the sixth try, Ammy had also gotten the hang of figuring out where the icicles fell and being able to dodge them. It was the snowballs that were the problem.

"DIE!" she commanded, making the infinity sign and melting those damn snowballs into oblivion with her upgraded Inferno. She had tried to use her upgraded smiting power first, but apparently snowballs don't melt when you fry them. Which made no sense to her, but whatever.

After much tribulation, Ammy beat out Kai to Ponc'tan and won a stray bead for her work.

"WOOT," was all she had to say to that, and they moved on to bigger and better things, namely destroying the demon gate left by the Spider Bandit, which Ammy had defeated previously and was neglected to be mentioned.

This challenge was hell as well. An endless stream of demons came at her, and when she had finished one battle, she gained a brief respite only to fight another, harder one. At last she grew tired of flinging her rosary beads aimlessly and resorted to Exorcism Slips. When she ran out she went to buy more at the merchant, only to come back and find that leaving made the whole thing reset.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me," she groaned. She didn't bother wasting slips and left to buy as many as she could before maxing out, then returned to breeze through the challenge on slips, which was still difficult to do seeing as there were SO MANY FREAKING FIGHTS GODDAMMIT. When Ammy saw Waka, she thought her dreams had come true, but when Wakas sprouted all over the place she knew she was only fighting soulless copies and slayed them all mercilessly.

"All that torture was most definitely _not_ worth this tiny bead," she grumbled when at last the battles were over. "Unless I get a completely freaking awesome power."

"Alright, Ammy, last one!" said Link, who had taken control of the laptop and was being the designated walkthrough guide.

They fell through the hole and saw a familiar scene of trees and rabbits and grass and a treasure chest.

"Wow, this must be the easiest bead I've gotten so far!" said Ammy.

"FUAH!" shouted a familiar, horrifying face that sprung from the ground in front of them. "White Demon of Death! I have come to avenge my brethren!"

"Oh god, not this again," Ammy shuddered. She tried to avoid looking at Brendan Fraser's face straight on.

"HA! I am the toughest of my brothers!" boomed Blockhead. "You will have no easy go of it defeating ME!"

"Yeah yeah, that's what they all say," said Link. "C'mon, Ammy, only one more bead, right?"

Only one more bead. Ammy laughed bitterly. She had lost count of how many tries they were on now.

"Okay, we can do this, this is a matter of pride!" Link panted, glaring at the wall looming craggily over him. "I'll memorize the first four, you get the last four…"

"No, Link, you can't memorize for anything. You get the first two positions, and I'll just wing it and hope it turns out for the best, got it?"

"Got it."

"Hey author, you're getting in on this too."

The esteemed author of this story laughed and shook her head. "Sorry, Ammy, you're on your own for this one."

"Why, god damn you, WHY?"

"To nurture you, obviously. Hardships make you strong. Besides, I got through just fine with only two people."

Ammy gritted her teeth. "You want this story to hurry up and get finished, don't you?"

"Hm. That is a fine point."

Luckily for everyone involved, however, all the fourth wall breaking broke Blockhead as well, and Ammy collected her final stray bead from earth. Much rejoicing was to be had, and many bitter tears were shed.

"Well, I think I've just about had enough," said Link, who was feeling queasy from all that work and running around business.

"Same," Ammy groaned. "I'm ready to beat that final boss. You?"

"How bout we get some sake first?" he suggested, drooling at the mere thought.

Ammy opened her mouth to argue in the case of forward progress, but she decided they deserved some sort of reward. To be honest, she didn't really want to stick around Japan any longer. The stupid eclipse was already starting, and the darkened sky was rather depressing. "One round in Sei-An," she agreed.

"YES," Link cheered, dancing his celebratory jig, which he hadn't done in a while. It almost made Ammy feel nostalgic. Mostly it made her want to gag.

"DRINKS ON THE HOUSE!" cried Link, which he had always wanted to say, but was never really applicable (and still wasn't) because he was always the guest, not the house. Ammy threw a Skittle at him, because she still had some. And then she whisked them away to Sei-An with her upgraded Mist Warp technique for one last night of getting dead drunk on earth.


	36. In Which the Final Prophecy is Foretold and Secrets are Unfortunately Not Revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy demonstrates resolve. Link becomes strangely OOC. Waka imparts his (arguably) greatest prophecy.

"Th-There's nuthin' like savin' the world drunk!" hiccupped Link. He straggled off somewhere in the snow, and Ammy dragged him back.

"Wow, you really can't handle your sake, can you?" Ammy sniffed. "I drank just about as much as you, and you don't see _me_ stumbling."

"Whaddya talkin' bout, Ammy, I'm as sober as a stone! Right, Stoney, old buddy old pal?" He swatted at Samickle's leg and missed.

Ammy rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, I'm proud of you. You better not get in my way when I'm fighting the final boss, okay?"

"Oh god, Ammy, it's a DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY," said Link, his eyes wide as saucers.

Ammy threw him in the icy water of Lake Laochi, which sobered him up a bit, although as soon as she got him on her back he discovered her hidden stash of Steel Soul Sake that she never used in battle, and his defense was temporarily raised.

Once again, their progress toward the ark was halted by Clover, asking them if they had the resolve to move on. Ammy mentally made sure she had completed everything she wanted to do, but decided to screw all that anyway because frankly she was getting tired of side quests and just wanted a nap. They were so close to the end now—why prolong it any further?

"Yes," she said with grim determination. "I'm ready."

 _…Are you sure?_ Asked Clover.

"I'm sure."

_We don't believe you._

"Well you should."

_…So you're sure you're sure?_

"Goddammit," grumbled Ammy. "Isn't there anyone _else_ I could speak to?"

"Why indeed there is, my dear Amaterasu!" announced Waka, magically falling down from the sky. "I have returned, now that the pathway I have waited for for so long has finally opened! How long has it been, anyway? 200 years? No, it must have been longer than that…"

"UGH," muttered Link, tossing away the empty jug of sake with a disgruntled look on his face. "Seeing your pretty boy face makes me wanna puke. Plus, I'm sober now. And how old are you, anyway, you beastiality freak of nature?"

Waka tsked and shook his flute at Link. "Now now, my dear bouncing friend, it's rude to ask a person their age, you know. It is a very sensitive topic for me."

Link snorted and fished for another jug of Steel Soul Sake (which sounded more like a genre of music than anything).

Ammy watched Waka with bright, keen eyes. The setting was perfect for revealing secrets, and she knew if she played her cards right, those stilettos would be hers.

"BAH," scowled Link. "You slither outta everything, don'tcha? Can't give an explanation, much less a concrete answer, can you?" The way he was glaring so intensely at the prophet made Ammy think he was about to launch into another conspiracy theory again, but instead he turned aside and said, "No, you know what, I don't care. I'm not a part of this anymore. You go on and have fun with Ammy, doing whatever the hell it is you two do. I'm outta here."

Link hopped off Ammy's back, and for a moment, she was too stunned to do anything but stare as he started to walk away.

"Hey, get back here, you dumbass!" she finally called after him. "Why you—you can't just _leave_!"

Link looked abashedly down at his feet. "I had a fun time with you, Ammy," he said. "All those parties…and babes…and making fun of Sakuya…"

"Link, you're being completely OOC right now," Ammy said, trying frantically to reason with him. "What about kicking ass with me in that boss fight? You have yet to prove yourself useful in battle! I mean, you did some things a couple times, like with possessed Rao, but you have to admit even that was a little pathetic. I…I don't know if I can do this without you! You lighten up the mood! Who else will I have to pick on?"

"Because that's all I'm good for, apparently," Link muttered.

"I wouldn't say that," said Waka. "You are also rather good at being useless. Oh wait, I forgot, you also have value as a projectile, do you not?"

Ammy could feel the hatred boiling off Link. His hand twitched as if to reach for his wand, but with an immense amount of self-control that even Ammy had to admit was admirable, he managed not to jump around and slash at the air below Waka's pants.

"Heh, you won't get on my nerves this time, prophet! I've learned a few things about being a man after all my losses to you!"

"Congratulations," Waka yawned, inspecting his flute. "What a man, to be afraid of the legendary ark."

Link's self-control and Ammy's admiration did not last long.

"WHY YOU DAMN, FLAKY, HALF-BAKED PROPHET! SAY THAT TO MY FACE, WOULD YOU?"

"I would, indeed, my little friend, but it seems you are too short even if I bend over," Waka replied, dancing circles in the air around Link. He was quite enjoying himself, Ammy could tell.

Link finally stopped, panting and glaring angrily. "You know what? I'll show you! I'll board that ship and do my windwaking dance all over the place and THEN we'll see who's sorry!"

"Probably my poor _cherie_ , to tell the truth."

"HA!" cried Link, leaping into the doorway. He was promptly tased by two semi-transparent angels wearing police hats and fell off the rainbow. "WAAAAAAAAAH!"

Waka made a strange noise, and Ammy looked up to find him trying to stifle a laugh.

"It's not funny," she reprimanded.

Link spluttered to the surface of Laochi Lake and shook his fist at Waka. "A CONSPIRACY, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS! GET DOWN HERE SO I CAN FIGHT YOU LIKE A MAN, DAMMIT!"

"I wish I could say it was, that'd sound so much more interesting," Waka sighed. "But the truth of it is, my little bouncing friend, you were never serious about this from the start. You were only in it for…how shall I put it…the LULZ, as they say?"

Ammy facepalmed. "NO one says that." But then she remembered Kabegami.

At that, Link had nothing to say. Or maybe it was because he was starting to drown. Ammy watched as Tuskle pulled him out of the lake and wrapped him up in some furs.

"YEAH, WELL, SO WAS AMMY!" he shouted hoarsely.

"Yes, but she is also a god," Waka replied. "And you don't even belong in this game."

"I—" began Link, but he truly had nothing to say to that. He looked down sadly.

"Never fear, my friend!" Waka said. "For I have another prophecy for you! Alas, it is also my last (and best, might I add) so listen up!"

Ignoring Link's protests of "Why the hell do I get a prophecy? Goddammit, you prophet bastard, you do them just to annoy me, don't you!" he swept Ammy off her paws and danced her around the doorway, singing, " _It takes two to tango! May the bond of the brush intercede!_ " He turned to face Link and struck a pose.

The look of revulsion on Link's face was priceless.

"Good, no? Better than the moon one? No, no, you don't have to answer me now, time is running short." He waved goodbye as the door began to close on them. "I'm sure the meaning will become crystal clear when the time comes!" he shouted down.

"As they always do," said Ammy. "And he'll meet up with us eventually, right?"

Waka raised an eyebrow at her. Her heart sank. "But—but he's—we're always together, you can't do this to me!"

"It is Clover's wish, _ma cherie_ ," Waka said, shrugging his shoulders. He patted her head reassuringly. "You will understand in due time."

Ammy sniffed. "I thought you were going to explain things. That was the perfect moment."

"…Well I must be off," said Waka. "And so must you, Amaterasu. We've got a date with destiny, we mustn't keep her waiting! _Au revoir_!"

"…Damn him," Ammy cursed. She still wasn't sure what Waka's motives were or where his true loyalties lay. He should be loyal to her, dammit, not some mysterious entity that whispered to him from the clouds. Or the studio, as it so happened to be. The door of the Ark of Yamato finally sealed behind them, and Ammy found herself alone, confronted by total darkness.


	37. In Which Ammy Fights Old Battles Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Celestials share their tragic backstories. Link is conspicuously absent. Ammy definitely isn't sad about it.

It was strange being without Link. She had briefly felt this way before, when the Lucky Mallet knocked Link through the hole in the wall of the Emperor's Palace and she thought he had run off to hide in shame and anger. But this was different. She _knew_ he couldn't catch up to her this time—the rainbow had disappeared and the door of the ark was sealed shut, leaving behind no trace of where it had been. Her back felt strangely cold and empty.

"Dammit, this is getting too serious for me," she muttered, blinking her eyes fiercely. They were merely adjusting to the light, of course. Or lack thereof.

Finally, her eyes actually did adjust, and she took a look around the ark. It was surprisingly spacious. Her first instinct was to explore around the bottom of the ark for hidden treasure, but when she tried to jump down she was abruptly stopped by a large, semi-transparent man wearing a garland and a toga.

"No, Okami Amaterasu, please do not jump!"

His eyes were wide with concern, and she looked at him strangely.

"I know sometimes life is not working out as you might like, and it's really hard to deal with, but understand there are people who need you out there, Okami Amaterasu! Please do not take your life!"

"Oh, that's what you were talking about," Ammy said, stepping away from the ledge. "I was really just trying to explore, and besides, I'm a god, I don't think I would die that easily. Thanks for caring, though."

"Phew," the Celestial sighed in relief. A scroll along the bottom of the screen announced that his name was Marco. "That is good to hear then. I have not seen you in so long, dear Okami Amaterasu. It is good to see that you are well."

"And it's good to see that…that, um…you're taking death well…" Ammy replied, trying to be considerate. It was hard when you had to watch your words carefully and not make any accidental death jokes. On second thought, she decided that it was better Link wasn't with her after all.

Marco smiled sadly. "I have come to terms with my death, yes. So have the others. They wish to speak with you as well, before you charge into battle to avenge us."

"Avenge?" mumbled Ammy. She thought she was just here to tie up this crazy adventure and go home (or die again and become a statue). Oh, and to save the world, too, she supposed.

"If you would be so kind as to leave us an offering, I will give you what I can," Marco told her, and to be polite she bought as many exorcism slip Ls that maxed out her items.

"Good luck, beloved Okami Amaterasu!" he called after her as she headed to the center of the ark and down the path with a glowing figure that she interpreted to be Ninetails.

"Amaterasu!" Another Celestial sparkled into being in front of the chamber, this one titled Hakuba. "It has been worth waiting under the cold ice to see you again. We thought we would never get to see you once more after we fled the Celestial Plain on this terribly fated ark. Good luck on this battle, Amaterasu. Even though I am but a spirit, I will utter my most heartfelt prayers to your cause."

"Thanks," was all Ammy could say before Hakuba disappeared again. She had kind of hoped that—gah, it was stupid. It was stupid, but…she had kind of hoped that Hakuba would join her as a sort of battle companion or something. Even when she was Shiranui, she never battled alone.

A portal whisked her to an open battlefield, eerily similar to the one from the top of the castle on Oni Island. There were even lightning clouds that conveniently thundered in the distance.

The ugly, black smoke Ammy recognized from the corpses of her slain enemies rose and swirled to meet her in the form of Ninetails, who grinned and loomed craggily over her.

"You thought you had done in for me, hadn't you?" he chortled. "Well, the Lord of Darkness called back my spirit before it was completely destroyed. His power is strong here, fake god. And so am I!" He lifted his pronged sword high in the air. "Prepare to feel the wrath of JUSTICE!"

"Feh. This is just the same old thing, isn't it?" Ammy said, and promptly struck the pseudo-jedi master with true divine justice.

"DIE, MINIONS OF EVIL!" she shouted maliciously, cackling as she zapped the oncoming shawled foxes one by one. She dispatched Ninetails much more quickly than before, and spat in his good eye before dealing the final blow.

"Stronger, you say?" she repeated. "I say too weak."

And once and for all he disappeared in a flourish of grass and flowers.

"Okami Amaterasu!" Hakuba cried when she emerged from the chamber. "It seems one being of darkness has left our midst. If we could cleanse the ark of its darkness, then I am sure it will return to the Celestial Plain. I wish you good luck on the rest of your journey. Farewell."

Hakuba's spirit went limp, and she disappeared in a small sprinkle of sparkles.

 _That was kind of sad,_ Ammy thought. She moved on to the next battle, which looked like an ox with a sword. _Who the hell could this be?_ She wondered.

"YOU DARE FORGET ME AGAIN?" Crimson Helm roared. "FOR THAT YOU SHALL DIE! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Ammy was finished before she even had time to remember Crimson something-or-other's name.

"Ah, that's right!" she exclaimed. "Crimson Helm!"

"CURSE…YOU…" Crimson Helm rumbled bitterly, before bursting into bloom.

Ammy whizzed on to the next battle, but was stopped by another Celestial named Sado.

"Lo and behold, it's the guardian of our home, the Celestial Plain!" said Sado. "Okami Amaterasu! I knew as soon as the ark began to stir that it was you." He paused, pondering something with a frown. "Why did such tragedy befall us? The ark was built by the lunar civilization as a rescue boat. When the monster attacked us, we all fled here, thinking it to be safe. Who knew we would all be devoured in the end. Please, Okami Amaterasu," Sado said, looking her in the eyes. "Relinquish us from the darkness. Good luck."

 _Damn, the Celestials' lives sucked,_ Ammy thought as she was warped to a battle with the Spider Queen. This battle was slightly harder than the other two only because she was depressed by the Celestials' story and because the Wii remote was being its irritating self as usual and refusing to connect lines. In the end, however, even the Spider Queen joined her brethren beings of darkness in Yomi, or wherever it was they went after this.

"Okami Amaterasu!" Sado called urgently. "I can feel another presence on this ark. Could it be that man of the moon tribe?"

"Yeah, he was the one that let me in here," she said.

"Oh. It seems you are one step ahead of the game, as usual," Sado chuckled abashedly. "But you must return to the Celestial Plain without delay! I pray that you will watch over from the heavens, and that you will bestow peace upon us all."

His spirit, too, left the ark, leaving Ammy with a few winking sparkles shimmering in the air.

"Alright," Ammy muttered to herself, entering the chamber of Orochi. "I guess it's that time again."

 _"What time, foolish god?"_ Orochi sneered. Ammy noticed he was wearing his True Orochi armor this time, and that there was already sake in the rivulets. She remembered the past two times of sake disputes with Link during Orochi battles and couldn't help chuckling a little.

"Time to kick your ass for the fifth time, that is!" she cried.

 _"Five?"_ Orochi scoffed. _"It_ can't _have been that many. You're overestimating yourself."_

"Well, I'm counting this one too, even though it hasn't happened yet," Ammy said, "but if you really want, I'll count it out for you. So there's the time on the Celestial Plain, as Shiranui. Then there's the time 100 years ago as Shiranui. And the time in real time with Susano. And then the time again when I came through the Spirit Gate with Oki 100 years ago. Add this, that's five."

 _"You can't count what happened 100 years ago twice, that's cheating!"_ Orochi hissed.

"Take it like a man," was all Ammy's reply, and after some tedious busy work making all the heads drunk, she sent that tenacious bastard's ass away for good.

"One more," she told herself, to keep her spirits up. Once again, she was stopped by a Celestial with strange hair named Azumi.

"Okami Amaterasu, I'm afraid my fleeting spirit will not last much longer," she said. "But I am glad to have met you before I depart. Long, long ago, you and Orochi fell together to this world. Here, you waited for the chosen one to put an end to Orochi's life. When at last Nagi was born, you killed that dreaded monster of the moon. You may not have realized it, but that was one ripple in a wave of darkness! This is your last battle. I hope I can hold out long enough to see your victory."

"Don't worry, it'll be a breeze," Ammy assured her, and portaled her way to a fight with Blight, who she wasn't sure exactly why was there.

Blight was so unimportant, in fact, that he couldn't say any last fighting words before she finished him off.

"Okami Amaterasu!" Azumi exclaimed. "It has begun at last. The waves of darkness have begun to roll. All this evil power…I cannot hold on much longer! Good luck, Amaterasu…and tell the man of the moon tribe with the golden hair…tell him…we remember he fought beside you on that fateful day…and are forever grateful."

Azumi sparkled out of existence, and Ammy thought her sparkles looked like tears.

"Okami Amaterasu…"

Ammy had forgotten about Marco. He appeared before her at the central portal. "Just being able to see you with my own eyes…I can't tell you how much joy it brings me. It pains me that I can't remain with you until the end, but I know that you won't let us down. I pray that you will always shine brightly, Amaterasu!" And he too disappeared, leaving her totally, completely, all alone.

"Well, Link," she said. Her voice echoed sadly in the dark, spacious ark. "Leap before you think, right?"


	38. In Which Secrets are Disclosed and the Lord of Darkness is Unveiled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets are spoiled. Waka loans out his coveted stilettos. Yami has a special surprise for Ammy.

"It's busting Yami time, then," Ammy muttered to herself, mostly because she had no one else to talk to. At this point, she would have given anything to have _someone_ to talk to, even if it was Sakuya or Urashima Tarou. Suddenly she got an idea.

"I'M FIGHTING YAMI NOW! HE'S A FISH IN A BOWL, AND I'M, UH, FIGHTING HIM! AND HE…GAVE BIRTH TO ALL DARKNESS, OR WHATEVER. AND WAKA'S FROM THE MOON TRIBE! AND…AND…SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE! SPOILERS!"

She waited, but apparently Sakuya's Guardian Saplings didn't have any power within the ark, so there was no scolding from Sakuya. Plus, all those things had been spoilered already.

"Damn Celestials…talking too much about things we already knew," Ammy grumbled. She neglected to omit first-time Okami players from the "those-who-already-knew" list, because they obviously didn't. Deciding enough time had been wasted, she stepped into the portal and was beamed to someplace on the ark that looked more like it was a secluded dome in the sky than any sort of place on a ship.

Ammy's ears were greeted with the clash of lightsaber and sword on metal. In the center of the dome was a giant ball, which was being viciously sliced at by a vaguely pinkish shape. Ammy's eyes followed the green lightsaber (which was really the only source of light besides the weak glow of the brush god constellations) and watched as it struck the giant ball in the wrong place and flew out of its owner's hand over the edge.

"Oh no! Pillow Talk!" Ammy exclaimed. She then turned to the pink figure, who had stepped back and was breathing heavily. "By the way, I hope in your explanation you tell me why the hell you named your lightsaber that."

"You ask too much of me, _ma cherie_ ," Waka , managing a small grin. "I don't have much time for explanations, so I'm afraid I'll have to leave out some of the more…insignificant details."

"Geh," Ammy muttered. "You're just sidestepping me again. I already know about Yami and the Day of Darkness and that you brought the Ark of Yamato to the Celestial Plain and that we fought Orochi together and everything else, but I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THOSE STILETTOS, DAMMIT."

Waka sighed and shook his head. "Ah, _ma cherie_ , you forget that this information is for the benefit of those who are unfortunately not blessed with long life and longer memory, or those who have not already played the game or been spoilered by walkthroughs."

"No, it's just cuz you like to tease me."

Waka pretended not to hear her and tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Also for those who are naturally dim-witted and hot-headed," he said. A wide, evil grin spread across his face. Ammy wanted to slap him. "You know, I like to imagine our little bouncing friend heard me and is currently spouting nonsense and cursing my name to the heavens."

"Wow, you really are an egregious asshole."

"I try."

Yami, whom they had completely forgotten about the entire time, apparently did not appreciate being ignored, and all of a sudden the platform trembled and the lights flickered, revealing Yami's true form. It was nothing much more than an elaborately decorated ball, but before Ammy could make some smartass remark, it roared and sucked out all her hard-earned brush powers.

"AAHHHH DAMMIT!" she screamed. She trembled and fell to the floor, watching helplessly as her beautiful brush powers disappeared into Yami. "My…my powers…my strength…my weapons…" she lamented. Yami roared again and opened up at the top, revealing on a small, square platform in the center of the ball a man smiling smugly on a comfy office chair.

"Why hello, Amaterasu."

"You…" Ammy sputtered, glaring at the man. "Of course it would be _you_. Clover."

" _Monsier_ Inaba-sama?" said Waka, his eyes wide with surprise.

Atsushi Inaba smiled down at them. "CEO of Clover, actually. What, were you expecting someone else?"

Ammy thought about the fish she remembered being as Yami and became thoroughly confused. "I mean, I'd always wondered why the final boss was a fish, cuz to tell you the truth I always thought Orochi would be the final boss, but this…?"

"We thought it'd be more fitting," Inaba explained, "since we've been antagonizing you throughout the game."

"That's true," Ammy said ruefully. She thought about the snowballs, and being wakened from being a statue, and her half-assed smiting power that could only be used whenever a thundercloud was near. She wished she had it now, even if there were no thunderclouds available.

"Why…Why did you wake me from being a statue?" Ammy demanded.

"You were getting lazy," Inaba answered. "You were making your way towards becoming exactly like one of Fuse's lap dogs, and then what use would you be as a deity? You neglected your country. It was time for you to go out and save Nippon."

"It's JAPAN!"

"NI-PPON," Inaba stressed, irritating Ammy even more. "But now you've failed to prevent the Day of Darkness, and everyone's faith in you is diminishing. We made a huge mistake trusting you for this position. And now, I'm afraid it's time for you to be erased."

Inaba pressed a button, and a laser beam shot out at Ammy, who was still defenseless on the ground. She closed her eyes, prepared for the worst…

But it never came. Either that, or death didn't feel painful at all.

She opened her eyes, and in front of her was Waka, deflecting the deadly beam with his remaining sword.

"Amaterasu!" Waka cried. He slid backwards a little from the strength of the beam and the slipperiness of his stilettos. They didn't have very good traction. "I cannot reset my actions, nor undo the past," he said. "But know that my faith in you has never wavered since that fateful day you put your trust in me, all those years ago. And you must remember, there are others who feel that way as well (thoughnotnearlyasmuchasme)."

There was a blinding flash, and Waka's headpiece fell to the ground with a clatter.

"Phew," he said. His hair was shiny and glorious. Ammy would have squealed if she had the energy. "One more thing, Amaterasu," he panted. "Take these…these _geta_ , not stilettos, mind." She stared at him with wide eyes while he took them off and passed them to her.

"Waka…" she said, her eyes shining with what might have been tears. "You're really short."

He sighed. "YES, I KNOW."

"Enough," Inaba yawned, and pressed the laser button again. As the laser charged, Waka said to her, "About the secret of my geta, I—" But before he could finish, the deadly beam blasted him into the air and off the edge, falling down the same path as his beloved lightsaber flute, Pillow Talk, which he also had not explained to her.

"Well, that's that," Inaba said. "Any last questions, Amaterasu?"

 _He'll be fine, he's Waka, after all,_ Ammy tried reassuring herself, and turned to Inaba, her heart burning with worry, fear, and anger. "Yeah. Why didn't you have me fight Lechku and Nechku in the ark? They were much more badass bosses than Blight, let me tell you."

Inaba raised an eyebrow. "Would you like to fight them now?"

She thought about it. "To tell you the truth, not really."

"Good," Inaba said, stretching his hands out in front of him. "Because you would need a partner, and I knocked your only chance of one off the stage."

At this, Ammy was filled with rage, and she flung herself up and into battle. Since she had no weapons, she made do with kicking the giant outer core Inaba surrounded himself with, while making sure not to get caught by his hammer. It was much easier with Waka's stilettos, which were basically weapons anyway. After one brush power was returned to her, all her weapons and stuff returned, for which she was glad.

"ALRIGHT! POWER SLASH TIME, BABY!" she cried, but her line disappeared as soon as she drew it. "What the hell?" she said, and checked her menu. Under brush powers, the only one that was there was Rejuvenation.

"Damn, I forgot this was a power," she grumbled, and, with even more reason and determination, she whipped at Yami with her rosary beads until she earned her true Power Slash. She then earned Bloom, and used it to open Yami's outer protective layer. Inaba was no longer inside, instead being replaced by the fish-in-a-ball that Ammy was used to. Disappointed, she still flung at the ball with all her might until she killed it.

"SUCCESS!" she shouted, grinning madly, until Yami transformed into a ball with green stripes instead of red, and then she glowered.

Yami floated towards her with fire all around, so she couldn't get close enough to attack. When it stopped burning, however, she hit it with a full barrage of beads.

"YES," she cheered when another brush power emerged. "GODDAMMIT, WHY DO I GET ALL THE USELESS ONES FIRST?" She scowled at her newly obtained Cherry Bomb power. When she at last obtained Waterspout, she doused Yami's flames and power slashed until it changed into its blue stage.

This one took a while only because she could only attack it when it shot things at her as a slot machine, but in the end she prevailed and gained back Galestorm, Inferno, and Matrix power.

"I hope that's the last one," she muttered, but groaned when Yami transformed yet again into a dumb-looking yellow form. It stood upright on its thick legs, and then wiggled and grew flimsy arms.

"What. The hell," said Ammy. As per usual, her lame brush powers came first, but at last she earned the smiting power, which was all she really cared about.

"DIE, MUAHAHA!" she shouted joyfully, grateful for the thunderclouds placed conveniently in the sky. Yami's arm things became lightning rods, and she electrocuted them. Yami flopped over and the fish-in-a-ball plopped out onto the ground, where she viciously attacked it. With one last fling of the rosary beads, Yami was thrown into the air, and this time it didn't change.


	39. In Which Link Finally Proves Himself to be Useful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ammy reaches her darkest moment. Link tangelos. Everyone has something to say.

Ammy panted, worn out from killing all the various forms of Yami. She still couldn't believe it had been Clover this whole time. Well actually, she could. Something had been strange about them ever since the beginning.

"Alright, Ammy!" Link said, slashing his wand in the air. "We showed that thing, huh? Time to do our celebratory victory dance, baby!" And then he danced up and down.

"Huh, you didn't do anything, as usual," she scoffed. "And since when have we done a celebratory victory dance?"

But Link wasn't there anymore, and then she remembered the whole scene about leaving the ark. "Oh right," she said, feeling lonely and stupid. Even Waka had been thrown off. She didn't have anyone to celebrate with, which was depressing.

"Damn, Link drank all my Steel Soul Sake, too," she muttered.

She heard laughing, and whipped her head around to glare at Atsushi Inaba, CEO of Clover Studios, who was the one responsible for putting her through all this hell. He was sitting on top of one of the raised pillars, and flicked a switch on a remote control. From behind her, yellow Yami whipped out a flimsy arm and scooped her into the air, crushing and electrocuting her all at once.

"UWAAAAAAAGGGHHH!" she screamed, writhing in agony. One by one, the brush god constellations were wiped from the sky, and the whole dome became black. She was flung to the ground, where she lay, whimpering.

"There's no hope for you now, Amaterasu," she heard Inaba say.

"Dammit…"she muttered. She tried standing up.

In what should have been the center of the dome—if Ammy could have seen anything—Yami transformed and unfurled a giant, red hand. It was terrifying, as all disembodied hands inevitably are. Those who have played Twilight Princess were inevitably reminded of the hand. You know which hand I'm talking about.

"I don't," Ammy winced.

The author sighed. Link probably would have.

"Hey, are you talkin' about me?" came Link's voice. "Damn, Ammy, why'd you leave me all alone down here?"

"Ha!" Ammy managed. "I…should be asking you the same thing!"

"Yeah, sorry about that," he said, and sounded sincere. "I guess I was kind of scared, you know? I hate to admit it, but the prophet was right on that one. The Celestial Plain and all that…that's your destiny, Ammy, not mine."

"Since when have you been all hung up about destiny?" Ammy asked. "And why's there so much background noise? Are you…in Sei-An, Link?"

Link was silent. Ammy might have thought he was another hallucination except for the background noise still present from their long-term call session that the author so magnanimously hooked up for them. "…Alright alright, so I guess the whole _Point of No Return_ got me, and you know me, Ammy, can't give up my sake and parties, right?"

Ammy snorted.

"Plus, I doubt there's any babes on the Celestial Plain, and if they're all like Sakuya anyway, I say forget about it."

Ammy laughed, and although she was still hurt, her wounds felt a little bit better.

"Good to have you back, dumbass."

"You too, Furbrain."

"God, you're really an idiot, though. Leaving me to fight for my life while you're partying it up in Sei-An."

"Huh!" Link pouted, sounding like his grandfather. "And here I was going to tell you about all the praise I managed to spread for you throughout Japan!"

Suddenly, the voices of all those she had met and helped on her journey came up to her.

"Why hasn't Fido come to visit me yet?" huffed Susano. "I know gods have their agendas and things, but it can't be _that_ hard to keep the sun shining, can it?"

 _Get your act together, dear little sister,_ said Tsuki. _I've saved my half of Yumigami's mochi for you when you get back._

"I know _that's_ a lie," Ammy replied, smiling, but other than Link, no one else could hear her.

"Who would've thought that that rascal was really Shiranui reborn!" cried Mr. Orange.

"My, my, how that god loved my cherry cakes!" Mrs. Orange said fondly.

"Snowy…I'll make some of my sake for you!" Kushi called. "You helped me in my time of need—it's time for me to help you!"

"That wolf sure had a fiery passion," Tama puffed. "I might just have to send up a little surprise to ignite that passion once more."

"Why is the sky so dark?" Kokari asked. "Do you think that wolfie lying hurt somewhere, Ume?"

"Hm, that wolfie was one of my finest students," said Onigiri Sensei. "Bust a move and show 'em, wolfie!"

"Oh my, so that doggie was a god!" Princess Fuse exclaimed. "Oh, I hope she has not succumbed to death…or worse!"

"…CHIRP," said Big Daddy Jamba.

"Uh-oh!" said the SWWOWTTOROTT.

"Da boss is…PRAYING!" said the other sparrow.

"I should have made an offering of my bamboo to wolfie!" Mr. Bamboo said. "Is it my fault the sun isn't shining?"

"Amaterasu…you have aided me and my husband through much. Our prayers are with you," said Otohime from the bottom of the sea, and from the Emperor's Palace in Sei-An the Emperor said, "My, my lucky wolf has been gone for a while, hasn't he? Maybe he is out collecting more demon fangs to trade!"

"Huh! Whatta lazy bum!" scoffed Naguri. "Fooling around up there while we're stuck in the dark!"

The ghost of Himiko and Rao appeared, and they both smiled encouragingly at Ammy.

"You've done well, Amaterasu," said Himiko. "As expected of my best friend."

"I know we never truly met, Amaterasu," said Rao, "but I would like to extend my thanks as well."

"Amaterasu, keep fighting!" Kai called. "I'll be waiting for your fanfics!"

"Your friend has done well, Amaterasu," Oki said. "He too has accepted his destiny."

Ammy's eyes blinked with tears.

"Thanks, everyone," she murmured. "Thanks, Link."

She suddenly had a disturbing thought.

"Hang on," she said. "Link, don't tell me you…"

"Danced my way across Japan, singing tales of our glorious adventures? HELL YEAH I DID!"

"Oh god," she shuddered. "I don't know how that inspired people to pray to me, except to maybe ask me to put an end to your existence."

"And I'm gonna keep on dancin' til eeeeeeveryone's praying for you, Ammy!" he announced proudly. "I'm roaming the land as your traveling minstrel! What'd that annoying prophet say again? It takes two to tangelo, or something? WELL I'M TANGELOIN', LET ME TELL YOU!"

"It's tango, Link," Ammy corrected.

"Oh whatever," Link said. "Anyway, you've got a boss to fight!"

Praise from all over the country rose up and filled Ammy with new power and strength. When at last all the praise had been taken, she felt stronger than ever before, almost like when she was Shiranui.

"Am I a badass now? HELL YES, I'M A BADASS!" she cried joyfully upon seeing the new marks and swirls of light around her body. "Alright Yami, or Clover, or whoever you are!" she shouted. "BRING IT ON!"

The hand that was Yami made a hissing noise and shot missiles at her, which she dodged easily. She dodged in and made a hit, but the opening on the bottom of Yami's hand remained shut, causing it to be undamaged. "God, how do I do this, then?" Ammy muttered to herself after dodging yet more missiles and whirlwinds. She tried all of her powers, and finally tried drawing a sun in the sky.

Yami shrieked as the light enveloped it, and the ball with the fish inside popped out of its hand.

 _Right, it's the Lord of Darkness,_ Ammy said, mentally slapping herself for being so stupid.

"THIS. IS. FOR. ALL. THE. PAIN. AND. TRIALS. YOU. PUT. ME. THROUGH. YOU. DAMN. BALL. OF. DARKNESS. YOU! GRAWGH!"

Yami writhed in the air as the last hit sent it reeling, and the hand flexed open and closed. Ammy panted and watched as the Lord of Darkness finally poofed out of existence, once and for all. She waited suspiciously, but neither Yami nor Inaba reappeared. Finally, with a wolfish grin on her face, she howled in victory and the sun burned bright and bold over all of Nippon—I mean—Japan.


	40. Which is Something Like an Epilogue, I Suppose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Celebrations are had. Link makes a video call. A quest begins anew.

There was a round of applause as Atsushi Inaba arrived back in the Clover studio.

"Wonderfully executed, Inaba-san!" said Hideki Kamiya, the director and lead designer of the project.

"It was nothing at all," Inaba replied, waving away his companions' applause. "This was a group effort. And in the end, we succeeded in testing Amaterasu's strength."

A cheer rose up from the studio members.

"Sake, anyone?" asked Kamiya, grinning.

They cheered once more as the sake was poured and set about swapping ideas for the sequel of Okami, and how they would motivate Chibiterasu to save Nippon, if he was anything like his mother.

* * *

The flush of victory was waning, and now Ammy stood awkwardly on the abandoned platform, wondering how to get…wherever it was that she wanted to go. Mostly she wanted to go back to earth and party it up with Link in Sei-An, but she had a feeling her lot was with the Celestial Plain. Which was dumb, considering there'd be no one there and she'd be bored out of her skull.

" _Fantastique_ , Amaterasu!" clapped Waka, soaring toward her in a miniature flying saucer. When he saw her expression, he sighed despondently. "You forgot that I also call the Celestial Plain home, didn't you, _ma cherie_?"

"Of course not," she lied. "And what's with the spaceship? It's not like you built it during your long fall down."

Waka smiled secretly and winked.

Ammy gaped, then shook her head vehemtly. "…No. No. I refuse to believe you made that while I fought the final boss."

"Ahaha, you should really know when I'm teasing you, _ma cherie_. No, this here is a Jomon period spaceship. They were very sophisticated, you know."

Waka beckoned her to board the ship. She noticed he had found his flute. She looked at the spaceship warily.

"Do I _have_ to go back to the Celestial Plain?" she asked, a little plaintively.

"Well, _someone_ has to keep the sun shining," said Waka absently. "And besides, something tells me that your long absence from our beloved homeland has left the place in quite the mess…"

_Good work,_ whispered Clover, giving him a mental thumbs up. He mental thumbs-upped back.

"Gah!" sulked Ammy. "You know I hate leaving things undone." She hopped into the ship, nevertheless, and pouted at him. "You know, I kind of wanted to just sort of chill out after all this."

Waka smiled indulgently. "You will after we sort things out. I'm sure it won't be difficult at all. Blooming things here and there. Also, I would appreciate if you returned my geta."

"WHAT!" Ammy cried. "No way! You gave them to me!"

"My dear Amaterasu, that was a short-term loan. Besides, you like them better on me, no?"

Ammy grumbled, but as always, he was right. Waka simply wasn't Waka without his stilettos.

"Geta," he corrected.

"Whatever," she muttered. She suddenly remembered something. "Hey. You never got the chance to finish telling me where you bought those. All your Tao Troopers have them as well."

Waka sighed. "I did promise, didn't I? Well then, as I was going to say, I—" He bent down and cupped his hands to her ear, which she offered eagerly. " _I bought them all out_."

He had, in fact, bought out all the red-painted geta from Mr. Bamboo's BambooWare store for his Tao Troopers, but as for his own, it was still a _secret~~_

Ammy glared darkly up at him. "DAMN YOU."

He grinned infuriatingly. "I love you too, _ma cherie_."

Waka pressed some buttons and the spaceship—which also seemed to control the Ark of Yamato for some strange reason—began to show pictures of their destination, and together they went soaring off toward the Celestial Plain.

* * *

After many more trials and tribulations (which included planting and securing a dangerously adorable plant that Waka had brought aboard the ship that Ammy was not aware of nor prepared for; making sure the brush gods were all accounted for and didn't cause trouble; and fighting her own horrendous laziness and divine wrath when she accidentally stirred up wind and blew all the petals off previously bloomed trees), Ammy took a nice, long nap. She had a wonderful dream about being a statue. But then Nuregami woke her for a bath, and, because she was a god and damn well better smell like one, but mostly because all the brush gods were celebrating her glorious return and she wanted to please Nuregami, she allowed herself to smell like roses. Just this once.

She was working on a juicy WakaxLink fanfic while simultaneously plotting out a fluffy OkixSami one when she got a video call from Link in Japan.

"AMMY!" Link shouted before she had a chance to respond. "AMMYAMMYAMMYAMMYAMMYAMMYAMMY"

"What the hell, Link," she said, grinning in spite of herself. "How're things going?"

Link scratched his head. "Oh, you know, just normal wandering minstrel stuff. Hey, your fight with Yami is all over Youtube, so I finally got to see it myself! God," he said, scrutinizing some corner of the screen. "You were down pretty bad, weren't you?"

Ammy groaned. "Oh, you're watching _that_ part. Hey wait, who was filming this, anyway?"

Link wasn't listening. "BUT LINK SAVES THE DAY!" he whooped, doing a victory dance.

"Link, don't do that over video, please, it looks even more awful than in person."

"Hey—HOLY SHITZ, AMMY, YOU JUST TURNED BADASS!"

Ammy facepalmed. "Link, I don't need a blow-by-blow commentary of what I did in my battle with Yami. I was _there_ , I know what happened."

"I wasn't, so I'm making up for it," he said. "But anyway, that's not why I called. Have you checked out your loot yet?"

"Loot?"

Link sighed heavily. "Ugh, seriously, Ammy, how do you survive without me? Of course you got loot from the freaking final boss battle, Furbrain!"

Ammy opened her menus, and indeed, quite a few surprises were awaiting her.

"Karmic transformers?" she said. "WOAH, look Link, I'm a fuzzball!" She barked, and it came out all cute and yippy.

"UWAHAHA, look at that one, it's so ugly!" chortled Link, pointing at the next transformer she tried.

She moved on to the other items and found the String of Beads. Her eyes widened when she read the description. "Invincible, infinite ink, infinite paper, AND 10X the attack power? LINK!" she shrieked, "I'M A FREAKING GOD!"

"I knooooooow!" said Link.

"Hang on," she said, frowning. "Link…"

"Hm?"

"I'm missing one dog on my feeding list."

She showed Link the menu.

" _Pft_!" he snickered.

"Dammit," she muttered. "I never finished my quest! Where the hell was the last dog?"

Link searched up the feeding walkthrough. "Ammy, did you ever get the one from Kamiki 100 years ago? After the Spirit Gate?"

Ammy groaned. "AGH. Does this mean I have to do all that AGAIN?"

"If you want 100% on everything. And you never found all the different types of treasure!" he whined.

"Goddammit," said Ammy. "Plus, this String of Beads isn't useful after I beat the final boss. Damn Clover, it's like they're making me go through endless torture."

Link grinned and struck a pose. "But that means more party time with your favorite person in all of Japan!"

"Did somebody mention _moi_?" cut in Waka, smiling into the camera.

Link jumped up and down angrily. "NOBODY MENTIONED YOU, YOU DAM—ASHURCHRUMPHLERMPH!" Waka covered the speakers, muffling Link's outcries.

"Well, then, _ma cherie_ , will you be undertaking your quest once again?"

"I have no choice," Ammy sighed. "It's a matter of pride. And completion. And I get to be a statue for a brief period of time."

"Ah, the perks."

"Shut up, damn pretty boy."

"AHMMY! AHMMY! GEARASHUMPLIGNSIGEREMFK!" said Link, which could have meant anything and probably concerned Waka, but no one cared.

And so, equipped with her new weapons and items and walkthroughs, Ammy returned triumphantly to the mortal realm as a statue, prepared to take on the world with her newfound awesomeness and feedbags, while Link eagerly found his way back to Kamiki and into Sakuya's clothes. He was promptly swatted like a bug.

"And just when it was getting peaceful," Sakuya sighed mournfully, staring up at the darkening clouds.


End file.
